Something Worth Remembering
by waitwhathuh
Summary: Cat wakes up in a hospital, and nothing makes sense. People are telling her that she did something she never thought she was capable of, and... why does she keep hearing that she's dating her best friend? Her life has been turned upside down, and she has to find a way to put things back in order. Cori. Contains talk of suicide.
1. Bad Dream

**Author's Note: Heey all you wonderful people. I'm back with a new story! It's definitely a darker story than my last one... It deals with some pretty serious subject matter. It also centres around a common trope that I'm going to put my own waitwhathuh twist on. This will be like a mix between Dead to You (mystery) and Falling-Out (hardship) if you've read those and want a reference point. So yeah! Here we go... First trigger warning of many.**

**!Trigger Warning: Suicide!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious or a joke for this disclaimer because I'm trying to keep the mood serious. Bruh. **

* * *

><p>This is weird. This isn't normally how things work in the morning.<p>

Usually I'm woken up by Sam's snoring or my alarm clock. Not this… beep beep beeping. Did Sam change my alarm tone without telling me? Did Goomer think my alarm clock was a microwave again?

Ugh and I feel yucky… I must be coming down with something. Or maybe I ate something bad… I should've known all those free Inside Out burgers and too much Blue Dog Soda would catch up with me. Okay, self. Time to start eating healthier. Except candy, I'm still going to eat that.

Bleh, even thinking of candy right now makes me feel sick. I'm definitely staying home from school today. I should probably drink some orange juice. Nona always said orange juice helps you feel better faster.

…

That's funny. This isn't what my half of the room normally looks like. Where's the pink? The girly decorations I love so much? Why is it all white? What are these wires? Why does it smell like plastic? What's on my face?

Okay, I know I'm normally confused, but this is getting ridiculous.

Oh, good… something familiar. Tori's sitting beside my bed. I feel better seeing her. A lot better. Just seeing her makes me feel like everything's okay. I'm sure everything's okay. I'd be a lot more worried if Jade or Sam were sitting next to me. They have a weird sense of humour. But if Tori's here, this probably isn't a prank or something.

Actually, why does she look so sad? She's wringing her hands together, and her normally tanned skin is looking pretty pale. She almost looks as sick as I feel. She's also not looking at me, so she doesn't see that I'm awake yet. She looks very zoned out. Usually that's what I do. Ohh, now I'm getting worried again. Tori doesn't usually look like this.

"T…Tor…i…" Ow. My throat is all stingy. Talking isn't fun right now. Normally I love to talk!

Tori looks at me very quickly when I speak, her eyes wide. Now I notice she's been crying, and she looks like she's about to again.

"Cat…? Cat?" Tori shuffles closer to me on her chair, taking my hand in her hands. My hand feels warm now. I didn't even realize how cold I felt before. "Oh my god… Oh my god you're alright." She bows her head, pressing her forehead to my hand. "Thank god… thank you, God…"

I'm alright? Of course I'm alright! …I think.

I try to clear my throat to talk, but that just hurts my throat more. Aw, now my eyes are watering.

Tori leans forward, touching my cheek. "Shh, just relax. You've been through… so much. Just hold tight, I'll get a nurse or the doctor." She murmurs, giving me a long look before getting up toward the door. She glances back at me, looking so sad. "I'll be right back, okay? I'll be… I'll be right back." She assures me, and I just give her a nod to show her I understand. She smiles at me before she leaves, but it looks forced. I know what a real Tori Vega smile looks like by now.

She said she was getting a nurse or a doctor… does that mean I'm in a hospital? That would make sense because of all the wires and beeping and stuff. But I don't know _why_ I would be in a hospital. Am I CubeFist Man again? I know Sam always threatened to get me psychologically checked out… but last time it was a misunderstanding. But then why is Tori so sad?

Tori walks back into the room with a man who looks like a doctor right behind her.

"See, Doctor? She's awake." Tori informs him, and he nods.

"Thank you for letting me know. I'll take a look at her." He states. He looks at a clipboard at the end of my bed and then looks up at me with a kind smile.

Tori walks back to beside my bed, giving me an intensely affectionate look. She's never looked at me like that before. "He's here to help, Cat. Don't worry." She says softly. I give her another nod.

"Alright, let's get this off you, shall we?" The doctor comments, slipping the mask off my face. Good. The plastic smell was gross. "Now, Miss. Valentine, can you tell me how you're feeling?"

"My throat hurts. And I feel yucky." I croak out, my eyes watering again from the stinging of my throat. I try to sit up, but I collapse down again. That was hard to do. "And I feel tired all over."

"That's all very normal for this type of situation. And you'll be weak for a while, but it will pass." He gives me another kind smile. "I'm just going to check your blood pressure if that's alright with you."

"Kay, kay." I mumble. I'm still so confused, but Tori said this doctor is trying to help, so I believe her. I feel the pressure of the cuff inflate and deflate on my arm.

"It looks good." The doctor nods at the screen. "I'll be back to test your reflexes and take a blood sample once you're feeling a little bit better." He looks at Tori. "I'm going to go speak to the psychologist to set up an assessment."

Psychologist? So I _am_ here because of CubeFist Man?

"Okay… thank you." Tori mutters, hugging herself. The doctor looks at me again.

"You're very lucky to be alive, Miss. Valentine." He states before leaving. My eyes widen. Lucky… to be alive? Of course I'm lucky to be alive! I like being alive! But when a doctor tells you that after you wake up in a hospital, that usually means you almost weren't alive!

"He's right." Tori whispers, sitting down and taking my hand again. "You're very, very lucky."

"What happened?" I choke. Her jawline seems to tighten, a fresh coat of pale painting her face.

"I found you. I found you just in time." Tori breathes, releasing my hand to put her face in her hands. "Thank god I needed those shoes you borrowed to go with my outfit… such a superficial thing… needing a pair of shoes to match my outfit… But it saved your life." She sniffs, shaking her head.

She found me? Were we playing hide and seek? And when did I borrow Tori's shoes? Oops… I must've forgotten and never given them back… how did that save my life?

"Cat… I know that… You're probably really sensitive right now, and you probably don't want to talk about it. I'll understand if you don't want to tell me right now, but I just need to ask. I need to because it's literally eating away at me." Tori whimpers, looking up at me with tears in her eyes. "Why?"

I stare at her for a moment, trying to figure out what she means. I don't know why anything is why it is right now.

"Why what?" I ask. She inhales a large amount of air, looking at the ceiling. She looks like she's in pain.

"Why would you try to kill yourself?"

…Wh-what? Kill myself?

"What are you talking about? I didn't try to kill myself!" I gape. Tori grits her teeth, her face going red as she sits up straight.

"Oh yeah? Then why did I find you collapsed on the bathroom floor, seizing? Why did an entire bottle of sleeping pills have to be pumped from your stomach? I know you didn't think it was candy or something! I know you're not that dumb, Cat!" Tori snaps. Her mouth pops open, along with mine, and she slumps back in her chair with her hand over her mouth and her eyes tightly screwed shut. "Oh my god… I'm so sorry… I just… I don't understand. I'm trying to understand."

"I don't understand, either." I stare at her, trying to think hard. It doesn't make any sense. Suicide is what people try to do when they don't want to live anymore, right? That's not me! I've never thought about doing that! "I don't remember taking any pills."

Tori's hand falls away from her mouth, her eyes opening to look me over. "You sure?" She whispers.

"_Yes_." I gasp. My throat hurts so much, but I'm bearing it because I don't want Tori thinking I tried to kill myself!

"You promise you don't remember? Promise you aren't just saying this so you don't have to talk about it." Tori pleads.

"I promise, Tori!" I exclaim. She stares at me for a moment, staring really hard. It's like she's studying me, trying to figure me out. After about a minute, she nods slowly, crossing her arms.

"Okay, I believe you." She breathes.

"Thank you." I mumble. "Did you really find me like that?"

Tori's eyes shut again. "I wouldn't lie about that." Tori whimpers. She's right, she wouldn't. And she seems more than upset enough for it to be true.

"I don't get it…" I mumble, biting my lip. I really don't. Why would I do that? Like Tori said, I'm not dumb enough to think sleeping pills are candy. My parents more than made sure I learned that when I was younger.

"I guess… In a moment like that… maybe your brain blocked it out. Maybe you weren't really aware of what you were doing." Tori ponders, but she doesn't look like she completely believes it herself. "What about before? Can you think of anything that would have driven you to that?" She asks further. "Sorry, sweetheart. I don't mean to interrogate you. I'm just trying to get to the bottom of this."

"It's okay. Me too." I squint my eyes, trying to think. No, there isn't anything in my life that would make me not want to live it anymore. I love my life. Also, she called me sweetheart. She's never done that before. I like it. I like it even more than my other nickname, Lil Red. It makes me feel cared for. "I can't. I really can't." I assure her. "I'm just as confused as you are."

"Well… I'm relieved but I'm also concerned… I'm happy you're not thinking that way, but there's still the fact that you tried it and… almost succeeded…" Tori's brow scrunches up as she thinks. "I guess that's what the psychologist can find out." She also rubs her chin thoughtfully, and now I notice the bandages on her wrist and arm.

"Tori? What happened to your wrist?" I question. She blinks at me, and then stares at her arm.

"This? I badly burned my arm about a week ago, remember?" She recalls, and her face drops into worry when she sees my confusion. "You don't remember?"

"I don't remember you burning your wrist." I comment, giving her an odd look. That happened a week ago? But I'm sure I saw Tori every day this week, and her arm has been fine!

"But… you helped apply the burn cream every day and everything." Tori mutters. I grimace a bit. That sounds gross. I would have remembered that. "You really don't remember…" She breathes.

"Nope." I shake my head. Her eyes go wide, and she looks terrified.

"Cat… What day is it?" Tori asks. Well that's random. I have to think for a moment because sometimes I get my days mixed up.

"November 20th." I state. She gawks at me, and I see her tremble a bit. "What? What's wrong?"

"Um…" Tori stands up slowly. "Don't worry about it. I just need to talk to the doctor for a minute."

"No! Tori, tell me. I'm already so confused. Do you know something?" I pout. She lets out a sigh, hesitating.

"Cat… it's December 24th." Tori sighs. My jaw drops.

"What… What?!" I exclaim. "No, that… that doesn't make any sense!"

"Here." Tori pulls out her phone, showing me the screen. It really does read December 24th.

"That… that can't be… It's not even Thanksgiving yet! How can it be Christmas Eve?!" I gasp, Tori quickly cups my cheek, stroking it with her thumb. It surprises me enough to calm me down.

"Cat… Don't worry… I'm going to talk to the doctor. We'll figure this out. Just hang tight." She leans down and presses her lips affectionately to my forehead. Again, I feel cared for.

"Kay, kay." I breathe, and she gives me a soft look before heading out of the room once again. I already regret letting her leave. I feel so lost right now. Nothing makes sense, and I need a friend. I hope she comes back soon.

I close my eyes, trying to remember. I remember last year's December. But I know I don't remember any of this year's for sure. That makes no sense… how could I forget? And then, somewhere along the line… I took a bunch of pills… And I don't remember that either.

"Cat." Tori's voice jolts me out of my thoughts and I open my eyes to see her and the doctor. Both look concerned. "Your doctor wants to ask you some questions."

"Try to answer as best as you can." The doctor says. "What's the last thing you can remember?"

"Um…" I muse, trying my best to sift through my already confused thoughts. "Coming home from school. I think… I wanted a snack…" I bite my lip. "I don't know. It's all really hazy. Like my memory is filled with fog."

"I see." The doctor mumbles, lifting my head carefully and feeling around my scalp. It tickles a bit. "And this foggy memory is from last month?"

"I guess so… I swear it just happened today, though." I sigh. He places my head back on the pillow and looks at Tori.

"There's no head injuries from what I can see or feel. Did you see any sign that she might've hit her head? Was there any blood?" He asks. Tori shakes her head.

"No, Doctor. No blood. But it was a small bathroom and I guess she could've hit her head on anything." Tori recalls. The doctor looks at me.

"How does your head feel?" He asks. I shift it a little bit on the pillow.

"A little tingly. But it's okay." I explain. He nods slowly, marking something down on my chart. He's frowning slightly.

"Can you tell me your full name?" The doctor asks.

"Caterina Valentine." I answer.

"What are your parent's names?"

"Eric and Susan Valentine."

"When is your birthday?"

"June 26th."

"What school do you go to?"

"Hollywood Arts."

The doctor looks at Tori. "Is this all true?" He asks her, and Tori nods

"Yes." She confirms.

"Why'd you ask Tori? I wouldn't lie." I frown.

"I know you wouldn't. I just needed to confirm you retained those parts of your personal memories, and I figured your girlfriend would know you just as well as you do." He explains.

"Oh." I sigh. Wait. What'd he say? "What do you mean by my girlfriend?"

Both the doctor and Tori stare at me.

"That's how this young lady here aligned herself to you when she brought you in." The doctor says, and I furrow my brow.

"Tori's just my friend." I claim. They look between each other. Tori looks even paler than she did before.

"Cat…" Tori says slowly. "You said your last memory was in November, right?"

"Yes…" I eye her curiously.

"How long have you been together?" The doctor asks Tori.

"Longer than November." Tori mutters. The doctor takes a deep breath.

"Miss. Valentine… can you tell me what year it is?" The doctor asks. I feel even more confused now.

"It's 2013." I state. Both their eyes widen. "Right…? Right?!"

"Oh… Oh, fuck…" Tori gapes, stumbling back and clutching her chest. I can't believe Tori just said a word like that… And she looks mortified…

The doctor seems to shuffle through my chart. "This is… abnormal…" He mutters.

"Can you fix it?" Tori gasps. He shakes his head.

"I don't know. Memory loss to this extent… it's never happened before with a drug overdose. Not that I've ever heard of anyway." The doctor ponders. "It's hard to know what to fix if we're unsure what caused the problem."

"What do you mean memory loss to this extent? Why is everyone so freaked out?" I frown, looking at Tori. "Tori… tell me!"

Tori stares at me, looking like she's at a loss for words. Her mouth just opens and closes uselessly. The doctor lets out a sigh, sitting in the chair beside me.

"Miss. Valentine… Sometimes the brain reacts in ways to trauma that we don't really understand, and since you seem to have gone through a traumatic experience before coming here, your brain might have been doing its best to protect you." The doctor explains slowly.

"Just tell me what's wrong with my brain." I mumble. He pauses a moment, rubbing his forehead.

"Maybe nothing, but… my concern is that you believe it's November 2013," He takes a deep breath, "When in actuality it is December 2014."

It takes me a moment to fully realize what he just said. It was mind boggling for me a second ago to believe I had forgotten a month of my life… but a _year_? _More than a year_?

"What… no… nooo…!" I shut my eyes because that's about all I can do right now. Just to shut out this reality. A year? I've forgotten a year? Why would my brain do that? "Please tell me you're joking."

"I'm sorry, Miss. Valentine. I'm not sure how it happened, but I've had experience with amnesia patients before. We'll make sure you adjust." The doctor assures me. My eyes pop open, and they feel wet from tears.

"Adjust? I just want to remember! Can you help me remember?" I plead. He looks at me sadly.

"Unfortunately there's little options to reopen those pathways to the memories beyond counselling. However, as I said, perhaps it was a defense mechanism triggered by your trauma that put you here in the first place." He explains. "In that case… it might be in your best interest to keep these memories locked up until we figure out what event caused your suicide attempt."

I pause for a moment. I didn't think about that. Something happened to me in the next year… or… the last year, I guess… that caused me to want to kill myself… and I have no idea what that is. That's… that's so scary. How do I even react to this?

"Cat…" Tori breathes, her voice reaching me. "It'll be okay. We'll figure this out. You'll get through this. Okay?" She promises, and part of me really wants to believe her. But I'm also scared and confused out of my mind.

"We'll of course still set you up with counselling on a regular basis to try and help you along the way, and you won't be alone through this. Like I said, you'll adjust." He gives me a smile before turning to Tori. "I'd like to discuss some things with you privately."

"Yeah… okay." Tori nods. "You'll be okay for a bit, Cat?"

"You'll be right back?" I mumble, and she gives me a compassionate look.

"Right back." She swears, and she follows the doctor out.

Over a year of memories gone… I wonder what the world is like now. How have things changed? How have I changed? A lot can happen in a year… just the thinking about it makes my head spin. I feel sick again, and I guess that's mixed with how I apparently just overdosed on pills. Ugh this is so much to take in. Too much. I just want to go home to bed and hope I wake up and find out this was all a bad dream.

True to her word, Tori comes back soon and sits back down beside me. She looks just as worried as I feel. Maybe even more.

"So this is how things are going to go. The doctor is going to wait until the pills are a bit more flushed out of your system, and then he'll put your discharge through so you can go home tonight and not have to spend Christmas in a hospital bed. I'll come with you, of course." Tori explains slowly.

"Oh… good. I really just want to go home right now." I mumble.

"I know. I can imagine. I don't want you staying in this place longer than you have to, either." She gives me a small smile. "You also can't see anyone else quite yet… I was told to reintroduce you to everything small steps at a time so you're not… more overwhelmed than you already are." She tilts her head to examine me.

"Good idea." I mumble. I see her fingers curl over her thighs. There's a slight shake in her fists.

"Um… But I need to make sure… Cat, do you remember that we're dating?" Tori asks in a small voice. What? First the doctor says she's my girlfriend, and now Tori herself is saying we're dating? A lot isn't making sense… but this?

"Tori… I have no idea what you're talking about. We're just friends. Good friends. But I've never felt more for you than that…" I frown. Tori seems to bite her lip really hard.

"Are you one hundred percent positive? If you dig really deep down… you can't remember or even… I don't know… sense your feelings for me?" Tori croaks. Is she being serious right now?

"Tori! Stop it! Why would we be dating? That doesn't make any sense. You're really freaking me out." I whine. She shuts her eyes, sucking in a deep breath. If she had any colour left in her face, it's gone now. A moment later, she exhales and opens her eyes, a smile on her face.

"Sorry. Of course you're right. I was just testing to make sure you had your thoughts all sorted out now." Tori assures me.

"Then why'd the doctor think you're my girlfriend?" I ask.

"I wanted to make sure I got to stay with you and I figured saying I was your girlfriend would let me do that." She explains. I nod slowly.

"Okay! That makes more sense. You had me worried there for a second. That would've been a _big_ change." I gape. "It's been a year, though… we're still friends, right?"

"Yes, Cat. The best of friends." Tori smiles, although her lip is trembling a bit. "Um… why don't you see if you can sleep more? I bet by the time you wake up, you'll get to go home."

"That sounds nice." I yawn, as if my body agrees with Tori.

Just before I fall asleep, I feel her lips on my forehead again.

* * *

><p>"Okay, here we are. Apartment 22." Tori announces, opening the door. I hesitantly look in, and I let out a sigh of relief at what I see. The same apartment, the same That's a Drag furniture.<p>

"Thank god." I breathe.

"What?" Tori asks, closing the door behind her.

"I don't know. I guess I'm glad things are still the same. I'm glad I'm still living here and the outside doesn't look like the inside of Bots… with like flying cars and robots and stuff." I note.

"Cat, it's only been a year." Tori tilts her head.

"A year seems like a long time when you can't remember anything. Anything could've happened." I muse. Tori looks at the ground.

"You've got that right." She mutters, glancing at me. "If you have any questions, just ask when you're ready. I'll fill you in."

That's a loaded statement. I'm afraid to ask anything. Tori was right back at the hospital – taking it in steps is probably for the best. If I asked Tori to fill me in on everything tonight, I _know_ I'd pass out.

While I look around the apartment, I think of at least one question.

"Where's Sam?" I ask.

"Italy." Tori states. My eyes widen.

"She moved all the way to Italy?" I gasp. One year and Sam becomes Italian?!

"What? No, no! Carly invited her and Freddie there for Christmas." Tori clarifies. "You're still roommates. Your babysitting service is still going strong."

"Oh, good." I breathe. More things that are the same. I give Tori a puzzled look. That explains why Sam didn't find me or come with me to the hospital… but what about my closest family member? Surely if I ended up in hospital, she'd be right there… "And… my Nona?" I ask softly, swallowing the lump in my throat. "She's still alive, right?"

"Cat." Tori gives me a half smile. "Relax. Your Nona is fine. Elderly Acres opened a branch in Florida and your Nona decided to transfer there."

"Oh, okay." I breathe a sigh of relief. "Does she know?"

"Yes. I told your parents and Nona on the phone while you were sleeping. There's been… pretty intense snow storms where your parents are so it might take a few days for them to get down here to see you." Tori explains. Typical.

"And my Nona?"

Tori bites her lip for a moment. "I left a message for her. She may or may not call you." She states. Not typical.

"Why wouldn't she?" I tilt my head. Tori seems to falter a moment.

"Um. You know how she is with technology." She says fleetingly. I get the feeling she's not telling me everything, but I'm letting it slide for now. I already feel over my limit. "Anything else?"

"That's it for now." I sigh. Tori nods and sits on the couch, patting it beside her.

"Come sit. I can't imagine how drained you must feel." She sighs.

She's right. I'm still feeling yucky. I don't know what my past self was thinking, but I know I'm never doing that again.

"I'm pretty tired. And hungry." I stretch, sitting beside her.

"Yeah… that'd make sense, considering." Tori mumbles. "What about… how are you feeling with everything?"

"Um…" I think for a moment. "It's all very… weird. Like, it still kind of blows my mind that I've forgotten an entire year." I twiddle my thumbs for a moment.

"It must be overwhelming." Tori nods slowly.

"I'm trying not to think about it too much. I'd probably explode my brain." I groan. "Right now I'm just disappointed I missed out on Thanksgiving. I was looking forward to it this week… I mean… over a year ago? Ugh!" I huff, flopping back on the couch.

"Don't let your brain explode, please." Tori expresses worriedly, and then her eyes lighten up and she smiles. "Actually, I happen to know there's a Christmas Eve dinner in your fridge waiting to be warmed up."

"Are you serious?!" I gasp, a large smile spreading on my face. She laughs, which is great because it's the first time I've seen her look genuinely happy since I woke up in the hospital.

"Yes, I am. I'll go prepare it for you. Whatever you want, you got it. Just relax for a bit. Maybe turn on the TV." Tori chuckles, standing up and heading to the kitchen.

"Yay!" I squeal, feeling in a better mood already. But I notice her open the fridge with her bandaged hand and I start to have second thoughts. "Wait, are you sure you can handle it on your own? Because of your arm…" I frown. Her head snaps up to look at me.

"What? Why?" She asks quickly. I tilt my head, confused at her frantic reaction.

"Because it probably hurts and I don't want you putting it through too much." I note, and she lets out a breath.

"Oh. Sorry, I thought you remembered something. I did this while cooking, so I thought you were talking about that." Tori rotates her arm in front of her. She flashes me a smile again. "Anyway, don't worry. The skin is still healing but it feels fine. You took very good care of it."

"That's right! You said I helped apply the burn cream." I recall, and she nods with a doting smile.

"Yeah, you did. You are… an extremely caring person…" Tori trails off, and she stops what she's doing. I hear her choke on a sob as she hides her face behind her hand.

"Tori…" I breathe, standing up and approaching her slowly. She wipes her face quickly, trying to collect herself.

"Sorry. I… ugh. Just thinking about you… _you_ of all people… in that situation where… where you felt like you couldn't be here anymore…" Tori chokes out a few more sobs. I stand there, blinking, not sure what I can say. I can't really defend what I did if I don't remember why I did it.

"I'm really sorry, Tori." I sigh, because that's all I feel like I can say. I clearly caused her a lot of pain. I must've caused a lot of pain for a lot of people… my other friends… my parents… how must they have felt when Tori told them?

"No, Cat… you don't need to be sorry. It's not your fault. You don't even remember. And even if you did…" Tori shakes her head. "I don't know much about it but… I've heard that if you're at that point…" She trails off, her lip trembling. Then she lets out a large huff and practically tackles me, her arms tightening around me and pulling me close up against her.

At first I'm surprised, but I very easily relax into her arms. I think I needed a hug, and I love hugging Tori. Something's different about it this time, though. It feels very safe… familiar. It's like Tori knows exactly where to put her arms and place her head for the best snuggling position for me. I feel okay for the first time since I was told I lost my memory. I feel content.

I'm sad when she jumps back quickly.

"Erm… Sorry." Tori mutters. I tilt my head slightly.

"For what?" I ask. Why is she sorry about hugging me?

"Uh…" Tori seems to find the ground very interesting, but I don't see anything interesting there. "I'm supposed to be making us dinner. Go watch TV. Turn on Netflix or On Demand. Everything's pre-cooked so it won't be long."

"Kay, kay." I nod, and she gives me a soft smile before getting back to work. I carefully make it back to the couch, and flip on the TV.

Good. TVs work the same. I don't know what'd I do if they all went 3D and touch screen within a year. Ooh, or you could control it with your mind! That'd be cool. I'd be okay with that happening.

Know what I'm not okay with? Seeing all my favourite shows and looking at the description to see that all their plots are far past the point that I had been watching last November. I have so much to catch up on. And what are these new shows? What is Faking It? And The Red Band Society? When did How I Met Your Mother finish and why does the last episode have such a low viewer rating?

W-wait, Mockingjay Part 1 is out? I haven't even seen Catching Fire yet!

I quickly turn off the TV and flop back into the couch, feeling dizzy. Tori notices right away.

"Cat?" She questions.

"I have a lot of TV and movies to catch up on…" I mumble.

"Oh… Oh my god, I'm an idiot." Tori groans, coming over to me. She picks up the remote, turning back on the TV and scrolling through herself. "Sorry. I didn't think. I'm not doing very well at making sure you're not overwhelmed." She flicks on an episode of Friends for me. "There you go. Old. Timeless. Classic. I know you could watch these a billion times over."

"Thanks, Tori." I smile up at her. "And I think you're doing a great job at making sure I'm not overwhelmed."

She bites her lip. "I hope so." Tori whispers before heading back to the kitchen. I watch the iconic gang from New York get into their daily antics. It makes me feel better. This was from the 90s and early 2000s. I remember that. I lived through that. These guys have no idea what 2014 was like either, at the time they filmed this. I don't feel so alone.

I catch a whiff of turkey and stuffing before it's even placed in front of me. It makes my stomach churn hungrily.

"There you go. Christmas Eve dinner, courtesy of Chef Tori Vega and your microwave." Tori states, sitting beside me with her own plate.

"You're like Monica." I point out in reference to Friends, and she laughs again. I hope I can keep making her laugh like that.

"I guess I am. Eat as much as you want." Tori urges. I poke at my cranberry sauce gingerly.

"Sam didn't prepare this, did she?" I inquire.

"If she did, the turkey would be deep fried." Tori notes.

"Good point." I sigh, taking a bite of turkey. Even though Tori just warmed it up, it practically melts in my mouth.

"Yeah, it was just you and me who made this meal. We were planning on having it tonight together, anyway." Tori explains.

"You weren't going to spend Christmas Eve with your family?" I question. I'm happy I wasn't ruining any of her plans with her family in the first place, but why would she be spending this time with me and not her family?

"Well I… I knew Nona and Sam were gone so I didn't want you to spend Christmas Eve alone. Christmas Eve at the Vega house isn't that eventful anyway." She shrugs.

"Oh. I see. That's really nice of you. You really are the best friend I could ask for." I murmur. I scrunch my eyebrow for a moment. "Is that… why you had come over…?"

"Uh… well I actually had a performance today downtown. A Christmas concert thing. Like I told you in the hospital, I wanted a pair of my shoes that you borrowed to go with my outfit." She stops eating, placing her fork down. "That's when I…"

We're both silent for a moment. It still doesn't feel real. It's like Tori is telling me about another girl who borrowed her shoes – another girl that she found unconscious in the bathroom. But it wasn't another girl. It was me.

"You missed the concert…" I mutter.

"Yeah, but… it's okay. I'd miss it every time if it meant finding you and making sure you're okay." Tori expresses. We're silent again. I try to take another bite of food, but I just can't stomach it. I'm hungry and the food is delicious, but it's like I physically can't take another bite.

"I can't eat anymore." I sigh. I hardly ate anything. Tori nods in understanding.

"I don't blame you. Your stomach probably isn't completely settled from… everything. I'll wrap it up for tomorrow. Hot turkey sandwiches for lunch." Tori forces a grin, taking my plate.

"Thank you, Tori…" I breathe, but I say it so quietly I don't even think she hears it. I feel exhausted.

"Want to call it a night?" Tori asks, looking concerned at me while she places the leftovers back in the fridge. I guess she knew just by looking at me.

"Yes please." I sigh. "You're staying over right?" I ask. I really don't want to be alone tonight.

"Of course." Tori promises. What would I do without her? I'd definitely be passed out from being so scared, that's for sure.

When we get ready for bed, I notice Tori flinches a bit before going into the bathroom. I guess she's remembering what it was like to find me. It must've been awful. Great Christmas present, Cat. Ugh. She keeps saying it's not my fault, but I feel really guilty… I just need to sleep. I don't want to be awake anymore.

I change into my warmest pajamas and Tori enters my bedroom, changed into hers.

"You okay? Need anything?" She asks. I shake my head.

"No, I'm good." I mumble. I'm sitting on my bed, hugging Mr. Purple to me. Tori seems to give me and my bed a longing look before walking over to Sam's side. "Um. I don't think Sam would like it very much if you slept in her bed without permission."

"Sam's not here." Tori yawns.

"But it's not very…" I glance over to the bed with a grimace. "…Clean."

"Well the couch bed won't cut it. I want to make sure I'm in the same room with you." Tori states. "If… that's okay."

"Of course it is." I smile, relieved at her answer. I want her to be near, too. If she went to the couch bed, I probably would've crawled right into it with her. "I'm just warning you… That bed… I've seen some things." I frown. And I don't even know how many of those things I've seen in the past year.

"I'll brave it for you." Tori sighs, crawling into bed. Aw, that was nice. For some reason, I feel my heart beat a little faster, but I don't know why. Tori suddenly gets a disgusted look on her face as she pulls out a half-eaten chicken wing, and she tosses it aside. Shaking it off, she gives me a warm look. "Goodnight, Cat. Wake me if you need anything."

"Kay, kay. Thank you for everything. Sweet dreams." I coo.

"Same to you." Tori sighs, lying down. I turn off the light and lay down, curling into the tightest ball I can muster. She asked me to wake her if I needed anything, but what I need, she can't give me. What I really need is to wake up and find out that this was all a bad dream and that it's still the 2013, and I'm happy and healthy Cat as usual.

I'm still holding out hope that this is a dream.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes: Alright, there's the first chapter of my new series. I told you it was dark. Now Cat has to deal with this shocking revelation that she did something she never thought she was capable of, and Tori... Even though Cat survived, she seems to have lost something very important to her. They'll both have to figure things out. Plot. <strong>

**Okay, let me know what you think, since it's a new series and all that. First chapter reviews are very important to gauge everyone's reactions and if I'm going in a good direction. I really hope you guys like it. As dark as it is, I enjoy writing it, and I have some great stuff planned for it. Hope you stick around to read more! **

**Fun Fact: My internet history because of the research for this story would be the most concerning thing for anyone to look at. **


	2. Cat-Sitting

**!Trigger Warning: More Talk Of Suicide!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious any more than I did during the first chapter but I'll keep you updated.**

* * *

><p>It wasn't a dream. I knew the moment I woke up and saw Tori sleeping in Sam's bed. No one would sleep in Sam's bed without a good reason.<p>

So it's real. I've forgotten an entire year after a suicide attempt.

For the first time since I woke up in the hospital yesterday, I cry.

No, I sob. I was trying to be my optimistic self, but as much as Tori tried to protect me, it's hit me. I'm overwhelmed. I can't believe what's happened. I don't know how to feel or what to think and I don't know what to do. How do I handle this? It's too much to take in.

Thankfully, my mind can still see a bright side in everything. In this case, it's the fact that not moments after I sputtered out my first sob, I felt Tori's arms wrap around me. I could've sworn she was sleeping, but it's like she was hyperaware to how I was feeling and immediately reacted once she sensed something was wrong. I'm grateful for her. I'm grateful for a shoulder to cry on this morning. Tori is my bright side.

"It's okay." Tori whispers into my ear. No, it's not. Not really. But she makes it feel like it is, sort of. I trust her.

"Why…" I choke out. Why would any of this happen?

"I don't know, hun. I don't know." Tori strokes my hair soothingly. Her voice sounds like she's trying not to cry, too.

"What'd I do to deserve this?" I cry, burying my face deeper into her chest.

"Nothing… you haven't done anything wrong. You just got… a chizzy situation." Tori sighs, and she rocks back and forth. She lets me cry for a while. I don't think I've ever felt so lost and sad before… although I guess I have, even more so. I just don't remember it.

Eventually I pull away, wiping my eyes and mustering a smile. "Merry Christmas." I sniff. She stares at me with confusion before she gives a small smile, shaking her head.

"Not letting everything going on kill your Christmas spirit, huh?" Tori murmurs, brushing some of the hair away that got stuck to the tears on my face.

"Of course not. Christmas is my favourite holiday… next to Yay Day." I mumble.

"Oh, I love Yay Day, too. New favourite holiday." Tori states. Wait, I didn't have Yay Day with Tori… although I guess I might've this year… it'd be nice to _remember_! "Cat? …Do you remember anything?"

"No… not at all." I mutter.

"Good." Tori breathes a sigh of relief.

"Good?" I gape. She shakes her head.

"Sorry. Not good. It's just that when I heard you crying I was worried that you might've remembered what upset you so much yesterday before… everything happened." Tori explains.

"Oh…" I mumble.

"Believe me, I want you to get your memory back too, but… I also don't want you to remember that… whatever feeling you had…" She sighs, taking my hand.

"Yeah… I'm scared of that, too." I nod. "I guess I better figure out what happened."

Tori bites her lip. "We can worry about that later. You have enough going on. Let's take it in steps." She states. She seems really adamant in helping me through this… I'm really grateful, although I feel bad I'm dragging her into my problems. "How are you feeling today? Still yucky?"

I shift a little bit, trying to see how my body feels. "Less yucky, still weak and tired." I relay.

"Okay, so just make sure you take it easy. No extreme sports today." She smiles.

"Aww." I giggle. I'm glad Tori can help me feel lighthearted about this. She's probably still upset about what happened to me, but she's making an effort to smile through it, which makes me feel like I can, too. "There goes my Christmas Day bungee jumping appointment."

She narrows her eyes slightly. "You wouldn't even remember if you _had_ made a bungee jumping appointment, you silly."

"That's why I made it last night when you weren't paying attention. I was in the mood for bungee jumping and I'm sneaky like that." I joke.

"Ah, well, we'll be sure to reschedule that appointment for when you feel better." She winks, and I grin. So, so grateful for her right now. I don't think I've said that enough. She seems to move towards me a bit, dipping down, and then her smile vanishes and she pulls back. I give her a questioning look. That was odd. "Um… so since you're tired, do you want to sleep in more or have breakfast?"

I let out a sigh, forgetting about her strange motions. "I don't think I could sleep now. So, breakfast."

"Great. I'll make you some light fluffy scrambled eggs and pour you a glass of orange juice." Tori proclaims. I light up a bit.

"Ooh! I love having orange juice when I don't feel so good." I grin.

"I know you do." Tori touches my cheek and leaves my bed, heading out the door. She knows? She seems to know me so well now. I mean, she always has – I've always thought she had the best grasp of who I am out of the gang, next to Jade, but now… It's even the little details. Maybe we grew even closer over the last year. I mean, obviously not in a romantic sense like that doctor thought. That would be…

Would it be weird? Is it really so farfetched? I don't have feelings for Tori, but it's not like I've ever been against dating a girl. Like I said yesterday, a lot can happen in a year… It's kind of unbelievable but… no, Tori said we weren't really dating, so we aren't. She'd tell me about something so important, right? Right. Good. I mean, the idea I fell for my best friend in the last year… that would make my head spin!

"Tori," I walk out into the kitchen. "You don't have to do everything for me. I can help with breakfast, too."

Tori turns to me from cracking some eggs. "Hey. I said no extreme sports." She scolds lightheartedly.

"Since when is cooking an extreme sport?" I raise my eyebrow. She raises her bandaged wrist. "Oh."

"Just relax, Cat." She chuckles. "You've been through a lot. Take the opportunity to be lazy."

"But you're really breaking your back over me." I frown. She gets a serious look on her face.

"Trust me… I want to help you out. It's no burden." Her look brightens up a bit. "Just consider it my Christmas present to you."

"But I didn't get you anything." I pout. Tori looks down into the pan, the eggs sizzling as they coagulate in the heat.

"Yes you did." She mutters.

"I did?" I question. Maybe I did. It's not like I'd remember it.

"Yeah." She looks up at me. "You're alive. That's the best gift I could ask for."

"I… um…" I blush, turning away. The way she looked at me there… It was so compassionate and genuine and… I feel like I don't deserve it.

"Sorry. I don't want to make you feel uncomfortable." She sighs. "Just, you know… spending Christmas with you. It's more than enough."

"Tori…" I mumble, shifting my feet. "Maybe it's because my mind is still on Thanksgiving, but… All this morning and… last night… I've just been so grateful for everything you've done. For having you here." I force myself to look at her, trying to match her look. I don't think I even come close. "So I'm happy I'm spending Christmas with you, too."

She's silent for a moment. "Cat… do you want to know about something that's changed in the past year? Are you ready?" Tori asks. I blink at her, then take a deep breath.

"Sure." I nod. She looks back at the eggs.

"We're a lot closer now than we were a year ago. And this is what we do. We're there for each other more than ever. We spend a lot of time together. We're grateful for each other's presence. I'm glad you're still keeping up with that." Tori murmurs. "Is that okay with you?"

"Yes, of course it is." I confirm. "That's a change I can agree with."

"Good…" She breathes out. At least I think that's what she said. It was barely audible. She seems to shake a thought out of her head. "Eggs are ready."

Dang it. She kept me talking so I couldn't help with the eggs.

"Fine. But I'm pouring my own orange juice." I state, and she laughs.

"Fine you wild child." Tori chuckles, filling our plates up.

After breakfast I forced Tori to let me clean up. I was happy to do it, but I guess I really haven't recovered much from yesterday. It was just scrubbing a pan and our plates but I feel exhausted. I didn't want to worry Tori, so I just said I was going to read. That's relaxing enough. I fetched a book from my room that I was reading before I lost my memory.

"What's wrong?" Tori asks as I sit down on the other side of the couch from her. I'm looking at the book, frowning.

"I probably already finished reading this. Maybe even twice." I sigh. Tori chews on her lips for a moment before sitting up on her legs.

"You ever read a really good book or see a good movie and you think 'wow, I wish I could experience this for the first time again'?" Tori inquires.

"Yeah… all the time." I nod slowly. Tori leans back against the arm of the couch, a warm look on her face.

"Well… this is your chance." She states. My brow furrows.

"I didn't think about that." I gape. She points at the book I'm reading.

"I happen to remember that you told me you _loved_ the ending of that book." Tori proclaims, and I glance at the cover.

"I did?" I ask.

"Mhm." Tori smiles. "Enjoy experiencing it for the first time again."

"Kay, kay." I grin, suddenly excited at the opportunity.

I pick up where I last remember. Tori stays nearby, just on the other end of the couch. I want to offer her a book or something, but she seems content just to sit here with me while I read. Like she's done it often. I don't think it'd be very fun just sitting there and doing nothing. Eventually I notice her get out a notebook and start writing something. I'm about to ask what she's writing, but it's possibly her diary or something so I don't want to be nosy. Besides, the main character of my book is about to get into some trouble!

I lose track of time, but at some point I'm returned to reality by a song. It's a really catchy-sounding song I hadn't heard before. I guess it's a song that came out this year. I look up from my book to see Tori pull out her phone, the source of the music. She brushes her hair to the side and answers it with a smile.

"Hello? Hi mom! Merry Christmas!" Tori exclaims. Tori looks over at me. "Yeah, she's doing okay this morning. Still no memory of the past year." Tori pauses for a moment and then pulls the phone away. "My family wants to wish you a Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas, Vega family!" I shout. Tori chuckles and puts the phone back to her ear.

"I know. She doesn't let much get her down. Typical." Tori flashes me a smile. Her mouth quickly forms into a frown, though. "Um… No… not yet." She pauses again, her frown deepening. "Mom, I'm fine… don't worry about me." She glances at me again. "I'll… talk to you about it another time. Not now."

"Is everything okay?" I question.

"Yes, it's fine. Just go back to reading." Tori urges to me. She turns her attention back to the phone. "You want me to what? …Mom, I want to but I don't think it's a good idea right now. I want to stay with Cat." Another pause. "I know I said I'd spend Christmas Day with you but… plans changed." She sighs. I didn't think about that… I'm keeping her from her family on Christmas.

"Tori…" I start, but she shakes her head.

"Cat's not ready." Tori continues to her mom. "She's been through too much. She got exhausted just from doing dishes this morning." Tori huffs. Oh. So she noticed that. "Plus I can't trust Trina to be sensitive to her… situation right now." Tori bites her lip as she listens to her mom's retort. "I'll make it up to you, I swear… And don't worry about me… no, it doesn't. It doesn't hurt. I'm fine being around her. She needs me right now, anyway." Tori insists. Why would her mom be worried about Tori being hurt? Is she talking about her wrist? "Yeah… I'll talk to you later. Send my love to daddy and Trina. Bye."

She hangs up and lets out a breath, staring at her notebook stoically. I take in a deep breath. Tori's already sacrificed enough for me.

"You should-" I begin, but Tori cuts me off.

"No, I know what you're going to say." Tori mutters. "I'm not leaving you."

"But they're your family! They're here for you during Christmas!" I argue. She gets a guilty look on her face. She seems to know what I mean by that. I woke up to find that my family wasn't even visiting this Christmas. They're all in another state. "You should be with them. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine on my own for a while."

"Let me rephrase." Tori takes a deep breath. "I _can't_ leave you."

"Tori… I don't want to make you feel like you need to stay here. I'm grateful, yes. But I don't need to be babysat. I'll just sleep or something. And read more. Plus, you're only a phone call away…" I try to explain.

"Cat." Tori says sharply. "Not happening. It's out of the question."

"Why not?" I whine. "You said yourself on the phone that you want to go. I want you to go. I'll be fine!"

"I don't know that!" Tori snaps, and then quickly recedes, covering her face. "Ugh… Sorry… Just… don't argue with me on this okay? It's just easier if I stay here with you. Please."

"Okay." I nod slowly, but then I shuffle over close to her and she looks up at me with tears in her eyes. I lean close and touch her knee, causing her to tense up. She hugs her arms close to her body as if she's trying to keep control of them. "Just tell me why? Why do feel like you can't leave me alone?" I ask softly. She looks away.

"I don't know if I should tell you." Tori whispers. I squeeze her knee a bit.

"Please, Tori. I need you to be honest with me. I need to be able to trust you during this." I plead. Tori meets my eyes and we're locked in a moment of decision, figuring out just how we're going to handle this together. Can I trust her or not? Eventually, she seems to release a breath that she was holding for a long time.

"Okay." Tori agrees. "First of all, you need to know that I _want_ to be with you during this. I want to help you out and watch over you as you adjust and feel better. That's a personal obligation." Tori states, and she hesitates before taking my hand. "That being said… The doctor talked to me about the… risk of you very suddenly getting your memory back, and if that were to happen when you aren't being monitored… well… there's also the risk of a repeat incident."

"I'm… on suicide watch?" I gawk. Tori nods slowly.

"Officially, yes." Tori confirms. "The only reason you were even let out of the hospital so early without a counselling session or psychological assessment is because you don't even remember what drove you to that point."

"But… But I wouldn't… I won't-!" I sputter. Tori squeezes my hand tightly.

"I… I know, Cat. I trust you. But I don't trust your memories. I don't want them to blindside you when nobody else is around. I can't…" Tori starts to choke up again, "I can't run the risk of losing you again."

I seem to lose focus on everything around me, thinking about the possibility. I was scared thinking about what drove me to that point before… but knowing I might remember at any moment? That I might feel that way again in a split second? Does that mean… my life is in danger? I'm my own worst enemy?

"Cat…" Tori takes my shoulders, forcing me to focus on her. "I won't let it happen again. I swear. Not on my watch. Not ever. You're safe." She promises. "But do you see? Do you understand why I can't leave you on your own?"

I nod slowly, flopping against the back of the couch. "Mhm… I understand." I breathe. Tori clenches her fists together.

"Maybe I shouldn't have told you." She mutters.

"No, I'm… I'm glad you told me. I need to know these things. I'm in the dark enough as it is. An entire year. I need to know as much about my situation as I can. Thank you for telling me." I express. She seems to get a guilty look on her face, but only for a moment. "But… but Tori… I might never get my memory back, and it might take a long time to find out what triggered my… attempt without my memory."

"Then I'll always stick by your side. Just in case." Tori claims adamantly. I shake my head.

"Tori that's… too much to expect from anyone. You can't _always_ be there to watch over me. You have your own life." I sigh.

"But…" Tori trails off, not knowing what to say. She knows I have a point. I take her hands again.

"Why put that pressure on you now? Tori… Go be with your parents on Christmas. Surely there's _someone_ else you trust to watch over me while you're gone?" I question. Tori looks at me for a long moment, her features tight.

"You sure about this?" She asks.

"Yes. I don't want to screw up Christmas for you." I mutter.

"Cat, you couldn't if you tired." Tori sighs. She thinks for a moment before pressing her forehead to mine briefly. "There is someone I trust with you."

"Great. Get them to fill in for a bit." I urge. She gives me a small smile before dialing something on her phone and holding it back up to her ear.

"Jade? Yeah, it's Tori… You ready to see Cat?"

* * *

><p>"Make sure to look out for any sudden changes in mood."<p>

"Uh huh."

"And don't let her overexert herself. She needs lots of rest to recover."

"Got it."

"Also, try not to overwhelm her. If she has questions about what she's forgotten, be tactful."

"Vega, I know how to Cat-sit. Unbunch your panties and go don your gay apparel with your family." Jade rolls her eyes. Tori narrows her own.

"I just want to ensure that Cat's in the best hands." Tori states. I touch her arm lightly, causing her to snap her attention toward me.

"Tori, I'll be fine. Don't worry about me. Just relax with your family." I urge.

"You say that as if you actually expect any day spent with Trina to be relaxing." Tori smiles, and I smile back. A pause seems to hang between us, and then she pulls away slowly, heading out the door. "I'll be back tonight." She assures me.

"Have a good time!" I call after her. The door shuts and Jade seems to side-eye the whole situation, but she shrugs it off.

"God. That girl worries way too much." Jade scoffs, heading further into the apartment.

"Well… she has a reason to be worried, doesn't she?" I question. Jade raises her eyebrow.

"Does she?" Jade throws back. I look down slightly.

"Maybe. I mean, I put her through a lot. I probably put everyone through a lot." I mutter. I hear Jade let out a sigh.

"Is that what she told you?" Jade asks. She looks softer than usual. Did Jade soften up over the last year?

"What? No! I just… it's obvious. I tried to kill myself and she's upset about it. Who wouldn't be? I know I am." I mumble. Jade crosses her arms, looking me up and down.

"You're an idiot." Jade says plainly. Oh. So she hasn't softened up at all. That's… good?

"What?" I blink.

"You said you put her through a lot. Does that mean you blame yourself?" Jade inquires.

"Well… yeah, I guess. I mean… I don't know. It's not like I remember or anything. But I made a choice and… I… ugh." I clutch my head. "This is all so confusing."

She stares at me for a moment. "Do you have any red wine?" She asks. I stare back at her. Now my head hurts even more.

"No. Alcohol is yucky. And we're underage!" I grimace. Wait, are we underage? I guess I'm… seventeen now. Yep, still underage.

"Pity. I like a glass of red wine when I have deep conversations." Jade sighs, sitting down on the couch. She pats the seat next to her, and I obediently sit down because I know how Jade gets when you disobey her. "Have you told Tori you blame yourself?"

"She knows I feel bad." I mumble.

"And what'd she say to that?"

"She said it's not my fault." I fiddle with the sleeve of my sweater awkwardly. I don't want to talk about this.

"That's it? That's all she said about it?" Jade asks.

"Yeah." I nod. Jade rolls her eyes again.

"Figures. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised. I'm sure Vega believes it's not your fault, but she probably doesn't know how to articulate why." Jade muses.

"About what?" I tilt my head.

"Suicide." Jade states. "Unlike Vega, I have more of a deeper understanding of the topic."

"You mean…?" My eyes widen.

"Now before you go there, no. I've never been to that place myself. I like to have an attitude of life can't handle _me_ rather than I can't handle life." Jade says with a slight smirk, but it falls off her face quickly. "I can, however, sympathize with the mind being filled with uncontrollable dark thoughts at times." She pauses a moment. "Tell me, would you blame a cancer patient for putting you through grief?"

"Of course not. It's not their fault they have cancer." I gasp. Jade nods at me.

"See, therein lies my point. There's a stigma surrounding depression and suicidal thoughts that make society believe it's something you can control." Jade crosses her arms again, looking thoughtful. "I prefer to call it more like a battle. The same way any other person might battle a sickness."

"So… whatever drove me to… try and take my life… you're saying I couldn't control it?" I question.

"Sort of. You couldn't control how you felt. You lost the battle… but thanks to Tori, you got another chance to fight." Jade nods. "You were lucky enough to have help. That's the huge problem with the stigma… it makes you feel isolated when in truth, you don't have to fight the battle alone. The difference between this and something like cancer is that you have a choice. A choice to ask for help. Losing the battle isn't your fault, it doesn't make you weak or selfish, but neither does asking for help."

"But I don't remember fighting any battles." I frown. "Do you… remember anything? Anything that might've set me off?"

Jade thinks for a moment before answering. "I saw you two days before yesterday. You seemed as bubbly as ever. Maybe a bit distracted, but that's pretty normal for you." She explains. I look down at my lap, worried.

"So you don't remember anything about what might've caused it, either." I mutter. As scary as it is, I really want to find out what triggered me so I can deal with it and then Tori and the rest of my friends don't have to worry about watching me 24/7.

"No, I don't… I wish I had noticed any changes, but I didn't. I can't say I wasn't shocked when Tori called me last night to let me know what had happened to my best friend…" Jade trails off, a deep frown on her face. I frown as well, and then jump on her with a hug. "What? …Why. Just Why." Jade mutters, limp in my embrace. I guess she hasn't gotten any more huggy in the last year, either.

"Nothing. I'm just glad you're still my friend. I know people can grow apart and… I'm just glad you weren't one of them." I declare.

"Yes. Well. You don't have to worry about that." Jade rambles, gently shaking me off. I'm used to her dislike of affection so I'm not insulted. In fact, it really is more of a relief just to see her as the same old Jade. Even Tori has seemed to have changed her behaviour around me but Jade? Jade seems like she'll never hesitate to scream at me and stuff cereal in my mouth. And that's just how I like her.

"I hope you don't feel too bad about not seeing a change." I mutter.

"Oh, you don't have to worry about me. I'm upset I didn't see anything so I could help you sooner, but I'm not upset at myself for it." Jade states. "I'd be more worried about Vega if I were you."

"She's upset at herself?" I question, and Jade shrugs.

"I can imagine, knowing her."

"But that's ridiculous. She couldn't have been able to tell any more than you or anyone else." I reason. Jade lets out a small scoff.

"If anyone could've seen it coming, it would've been her." Jade explains, her brow furrowing. "Which… is why she would be taking this harder than probably anyone else in your life. Not that I _care_, but you should probably be watching out for her while she's watching out for you. Last thing we need is a Vega mental breakdown."

"What? But why would she see it coming? Is she psychic?" I ask honestly. She blinks at me, assessing me for a moment before she realizes I'm not joking.

"No… But Vega would have the most insight on how you're feeling, you know… being your girlfriend and all…" Jade says slowly. My mind goes blank for a minute. Not her, too!

"Seriously? First the doctor, now you? Why does everyone think Tori is my girlfriend!?" I exclaim. Jade's eyes pop open wide.

"Because she _is _your…" Jade trails off, eyes going even wider. "Oh my god. Your memory loss goes back even farther than that, doesn't it? Holy chiz… Vega left that little tidbit out…" Jade gapes. I rarely ever see Jade genuinely surprised, so seeing her like this is kind of freaking me out.

"What? What tidbit?" I demand. "Tell me!"

Jade shakes off her shock for a moment, giving me a curious look. "Tori didn't tell you that you're dating?"

"Wh-what?" I stutter. "Dating who? Tori? The doctor thought so too, but she explained she only said that so she could come into the hospital with me!"

Jade blinks rapidly at me a couple times. "_That's_ what she told you?" Jade gawks. "Damn… Vega must feel completely destroyed. I don't know how she's functioning. I actually kind of feel bad for her."

"Then why are you smiling?!"

"Sorry. Automatic reflex at Vega's pain." Jade shakes her head, giving me a serious look. "Listen, this is probably the most important gap you can fill in about your past."

"O…kay?" I question suspiciously. Jade takes a deep breath.

"You and Vega are dating. You've both been in a relationship with each other for about a year now." Jade reveals. I stare at her a minute, trying to take in the information. I know I teased the idea earlier… but I didn't actually think it was true! How could we… Why would we…?

"You're joking." I giggle a bit.

"Cat, does this face look like I'm joking?" She points at her own face, looking unimpressed at my reaction. My face falls immediately.

"You're not joking." I gasp.

"'Fraid not." Jade leans back. I stare ahead, trying to contemplate. So it's true… Tori and I… we're… girlfriends? We've been together for about a year? But then…

"Why did Tori say we weren't then?" I argue.

"I can imagine why, but this is probably a conversation you should take up with her." Jade casually stretches out her shoulders.

"But… how…?" I breathe. "I don't have feelings for Tori!"

"Well at some point you got them. And so did she. Now you're together, whether you remember it or not." Jade explains.

"Did I really?" I blink at her, pleading for more answers. She lets out an exasperated sigh.

"Yes, you two were in oodles of love." Jade states. In love?! "Now, I'd really rather not get involved in your relationship issues. I only told you the truth because, as your friend who saw how much Vega meant to you, I felt it was only fair. There was no way you'd ever want to forget your feelings for her. Please take up the rest of your inquiries with your girlfriend. Or… ex. I don't know." She shrugs.

"But-"

"Ah!" Jade presses her fingers to my lips. "Not another word about Vega, you hear me?" Jade scolds, and I silent nod my head. She removes her fingers. "Good. But I will say one more thing. Again, _not that I care_, but when you confront Vega, try to remember she lost a year of a committed relationship down the drain in a day. Like I said, you should watch her carefully."

"Oh… okay…" I trail off, tears filling my vision. This has definitely become too much.

"Ugh… great. I went too far, didn't I?" Jade groans.

"No, I just need to… I think I need a nap." I mutter, rushing off the couch.

"Cat!" Jade calls after me, but I've already leaped into bed with the covers over my head.

Me and Tori? Dating? In love? I forgot all that? And then she lied to me about it? This just… doesn't add up. If I think about it, it really does make sense. It makes sense with Tori's new behaviour around me. How it seemed… It seemed loving. And stuff like hugs felt so familiar and… natural… But I don't love Tori! Or… Maybe I do? I just… I can't handle this right now…

I hear Jade come into the room, but thankfully she doesn't disturb me. She simply stays nearby, watchful, which allows me to drift off to sleep, leaving this new warped reality behind…

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes: Hiii. Yeah, Jade spilled the beans. Cat and Tori have a lot to talk about... I wonder how Tori will respond? And what will Cat think of this whole situation once she thinks it through? It must be confusing for both of them. Certainly things won't go back to normal so easily...<strong>

**Also, another disclaimer: I'm not a psychologist. I took a couple psychology courses but that's it. My knowledge on suicide stems from both in depth research and empathy, so I did my best with Jade's lecture. I think Robin Williams' death really shone a light on it in a way that it never has to such a degree before. It's controversial, yet worth discussing. What I do know is, if you're feeling that way, the best thing you can do is talk to someone. You can even talk to me, if that's your comfort level at this point. Again, not a psychologist, but I'm a certified good listener.**

**Fun Fact: There were so many Christmas jokes that I cycled through for Jade to say to Tori. Don your gay apparel seemed to fit best (Others being "Go deck the halls before I deck your face" and "Thumpity thump thump look at Vega go" but also "I wish you a merry get the hell out").**


	3. Unrequited

**Disclaimer: Victorious, a Nickelodeon show, is owned by someone else, not me. That is to say, Nickelodeon is the owner of said show and therefore can not be in the ownership of me, Mooojo Jojo! If I was Nickelodeon and Victorious was in owner ship of Nickelodeon, then it would be in my ownership since Nickelodeon would be me, Mooojo Jojo! BUT, I am not the Nickelodeon that which owns the Victorious and therefore the ownership of the show which is owned by Nickelodeon is not belonging to me, Mooojo Jojo!**

* * *

><p>I wake up all sweaty because the covers are still over my head and I can't breathe. I throw them from me, gasping, and check the clock. I slept for four hours. I feel a lot better, about a lot of things. I guess I really did just need some more rest. I feel my energy back, I'm starting to think a little more brightly about everything and how it'll turn out alright, and… I've accepted that in the past I was in love with Tori. Well, accepted parts of it. Tori and I have a lot to talk about.<p>

I notice Jade isn't in my room anymore. I stretch myself out and let out a squeaky yawn before heading into the living room. Jade's there, sitting on the couch and watching a movie. I only catch a glimpse of it before I have to cover my eyes.

"Jade!" I squeal.

"Oh, you're awake. About time." Jade sighs.

"I told you you're not allowed to watch The Scissoring or any of its sequels in my house!" I whine.

"Um… Actually you got rid of that rule in the past year. You just don't remember." Jade states. Wait, I did? Why would I… hey!

"Yeah, right! I'd never do that!" I snap.

"Ugh, fine." I hear Jade turn off the TV and I lower my hands.

"Way to try to take advantage of the amnesia patient." I pout.

"Hey, there's got to be an upside to this somewhere." Jade shrugs.

"And you left my room!" I glare. She blinks at me.

"Yeah, so?" Jade inquires.

"So, I could've gotten my memory back! I'm on suicide watch, remember? That's why you're here!" I scoff.

"You were out like a light. Trust me. I would've noticed if you had made your little trek to the bathroom again." Jade comments, side-eying me. "I don't have to be glued to your side to watch over you like Vega does."

"Right… Tori…" I frown, rubbing my arm. She holds up a finger.

"I told you I'm not getting between you two." Jade warns me.

"No, I know." I nod. "I just hope she's doing okay." I mutter. I keep thinking about what Jade said… about how Tori lost me as her girlfriend very suddenly.

"She's texting me every fifteen minutes to ask how you're doing. I've been thinking of turning my phone off but then she'd probably burst through that door a minute later. And probably on fire." Jade muses. I stand next to the couch and she gauges me. "So now that you're up and you won't let me watch The Scissoring… Now what?"

"Um…" I bite my lip. Like I said, I'm already feeling a lot brighter about things, but I could still use a little help… and I know what always makes me feel better. "Can we sing?"

"Now you're talking." Jade grins.

Jade popped in the newest game for karaoke. A lot of good songs came out this year! I picked them up quickly and soon we were having duets to all these new jams. I mean, that's one good thing about this memory loss. I'm not going to be tired of hearing the same old music for a while, since all this stuff is new to me. And I think my voice has actually gotten better in the last year.

After we basically sang every song twice or more, we settled down and Jade turned on the news. I shrink back a little.

"What's your issue?" Jade asks, noticing my sudden change in mood.

"Should we be watching the news? I mean, I'm kind of scared about what I'll see." I frown. Listening to new music is one thing. Seeing the change in current events from one year ago? That's scary.

Jade sighs and mutes the news. "So what are you going to do? Be ignorant to the world?" Jade questions.

"Um… maybe?"

"Hey, you didn't like being kept in the dark about you and Vega's relationship, right?" Jade says slowly.

"Right…" I nod.

"So wouldn't it be better if you just got all caught up on world events, too?" Jade reasons. "I mean, not knowing about what's happened in the world might cause some problems, don't you think?"

"I guess." I sigh. "Maybe give me a brief summary?"

Jade smirks, crossing her legs and facing me.

"Let's see… countries are invading other countries. Planes are disappearing out of thin air. Kings and queens of comedy have passed away. Racism still exists for some reason, as shown by intense riots and a prejudiced justice system. Sexism still exists for some reason, as shown by a massive privacy invasion of many female celebrities. Homophobia still exists for some reason, as shown by the Olympics…" Jade lists off, counting each point off her finger.

"O-Okay." I gape. "That's enough information."

"Too much?"

"The world sounds like it's dealing with some crazy chiz." I whine. "Is it really that bad?"

"Yep. And not the good kind of bad." Jade ponders. Ulgh, Tori was right. I should've taken it only one step at a time.

"Did anything _good_ happen this year?" I plead, hoping there's still some hope for humanity.

"Um… Oh, there was this giant fund raiser for a disease where everybody dumped ice water on their heads." Jade explains. "It raised millions of dollars."

"Oh! That's actually really nice." I beam. Good, so there is hope left!

"But then everyone started complaining that it was wasting water…" She recalls.

"Oh." I mutter, going limp against the couch. At this rate, I'm almost happy I forgot that all these things happened. Jade waves a hand in front of my face.

"Uh oh… If Vega could actually kill me, she would kill me." Jade mumbles.

Just then, coincidentally, the door opens and Tori enters with a couple Christmas bags. She looks to be in better spirits.

"Hey, I'm back from the Vega Christmas." Tori announces, carefully closing the door behind her and dropping the bags. "Did you guys have a good day? Cat, how are you-" She pauses when she sees me. "…Why do you look so pale?" Tori asks. I say nothing, and Tori glares at Jade. "What'd you do to her?"

"Relax. I just kind of… told her a summary of important current events in the last year." Jade shrugs. Tori narrows her eyes and grabs Jade by the shoulders, forcing her up off the couch with shocking force.

"**What** were you _thinking_?!" Tori snaps, and Jade rolls her eyes, unaffected by Tori's menacing stance.

"I was thinking maybe we shouldn't treat her like a little fragile broken piece of glass and just get the update over with so she can adjust faster." Jade states. Tori stands back, fists clenched.

"I agree we shouldn't be _too_ protective, but damnit, Jade! You still need to be sensitive! What happened to **tact**?" Tori scolds.

"Once again, unbunch your panties. Just because I have a different approach of taking care of Cat, doesn't mean you have to jump down my throat. She'll be fine!" Jade argues. "God, it's not like you own her. Especially now." Jade glowers, her annoyance at Tori clearly getting the better of her. Tori tenses like a statue.

"Get out." Tori orders.

"Fine. Whatever. You're _welcome_ for leaving my non-existent family Christmas to come watch the patient." Jade scoffs, heading out the door.

"Yeah, and I was going to give you some Christmas cookies for helping out, too!" Tori snaps. Jade turns around with a mock-sad face.

"Oh no! Now I don't get your cookies? Christmas is ruined!" Jade expresses dramatically before Tori slams the door. I can practically hear Tori grinding her teeth before she lets out a deep sigh and turns to me. Her features softening and fists unclenching, she slowly walks over to me and sits down.

"I'm sorry. Maybe I shouldn't have trusted Jade with you." Tori sighs. I shake my head.

"No, it's okay. I actually had a lot of fun with her. We sang and stuff… It made me feel better." I explain.

"Oh. I guess I was a little too hard on her then." Tori shoots a guilty look to the door. "I'll have to send her some cookies…"

"But… has a lot of bad stuff really happened this year?" I frown. Tori runs a hand through her hair, thinking.

"Yeah, I guess. Bad things happen every year, though. And they're spread out. You just learned about a lot of bad all at once. It's really not all bad. Good things happen, too. It's just the bad things get more coverage." Tori rationalizes.

"That's true." I nod.

"But…" She sighs, "I admit a lot of societal issues have been a large part of the bad this year." Tori pauses for a moment. "But people notice. People are sick of it. We're in a transitional stage right now so there's going to be some kinks in the system. But I really believe that we and the next generation are going to make it better."

"Good." I smile. "That makes me feel better." I express. I'm glad I'm not ignorant to a sudden doom-and-gloom attitude of society after a relatively tough year… and knowing Tori (my girlfriend?) also has an optimistic outlook, I can probably cross that off the list of suspects that drove me over the edge.

"Good." Tori smiles back, taking my hand. I shoot down to look at it. This simple hand-holding must mean so much to her in ways I can't imagine right now… except I know I used to understand and feel the same way. My heart starts to race, and I don't know if that's my heart desperately trying to remember or if it's because I need to tell Tori I know…

"Tori…" I whisper, still staring at our hands. She bends her head down to try and catch my eye.

"Yeah, Cat?" She inquires. I shake my head. Maybe I should find a way to lead into it. What's that word Tori used? Tact?

I look up at her with a smile. "How was Christmas with your family?" I ask. A bright look returns to her face.

"Good. It was good. Trina even behaved herself." Tori recalls. "My mom wanted to give you this…" She stands up, ruffling in one of the Christmas bags and pulls out a really pretty green and blue scarf. "It won't do much to keep you warm since it's LA… but it's fashionable."

"I love it." I grin, taking the scarf and wrapping it around my neck.

"They also wish you the best." Tori murmurs, and she gently runs the scarf through her fingers. "It looks great on you… goes well with your hair."

"Thanks." I blush. Before I was confused at the kind of looks Tori was giving me right now, but now I get it. She's looking at me with love. I don't know how to react to it. "Um… so were you able to talk? Did they make you feel better?"

"You mean about everything? I guess so. You've been through more than I have, though." Tori sighs. I give her a curious look, my eyes searching hers.

"Well… on the phone with your mom she did seem to think you'd be hurting about something." I say slowly. "Maybe what happened to me… and my memory loss… has affected you more than you let on?"

"What? I… I mean yeah, if I'm being honest…I did almost lose my best friend…" Tori stumbles, looking nervous. I take a deep breath. This is it.

"Am I really just a friend to you, Tor?" I ask quietly. Her eyes widen in shock, her face going red, and then her eyes darken.

"Jade told you." She doesn't say it like a question. I merely nod slowly. She covers her face with her hands, letting out a low groan before snapping her head towards the door again. "Well she's **definitely not getting any cookies now**!"

"Tori." I stop her by putting my hand on her knee and she looks at me again. She looks scared. Terrified. I can practically sense the pit in her stomach just by looking at her. "Jade felt that… I had a right to know about something so important. And… I agree with her." I mumble. Her face drops into a look of guilt. "Why did you lie when I asked about us dating? Why didn't you just tell me?"

"Cat… believe me. I wanted to. More than anything. But… so much happened yesterday. And then when I found out you didn't… remember us…" Tori seems to bite back some emotion before continuing, "I didn't know how to react. And then the doctor told me not to overwhelm you with too much information because it could have a negative effect on your recovery… so when you asked why I was called your girlfriend," She bites her lip, "I panicked. I lied because I wasn't sure how you'd take it. How do you think you would've reacted if I told you yesterday?"

"I… probably would've freaked out." I admit, and Tori nods.

"I didn't want to lie to you… but I always do what I think is best for you. If you remembered what we've been through together… you would've known that." Tori explains softly. "I just… put myself in a difficult position of figuring out how to tell you after I had lied… I'm sorry you had to find out from Jade…"

"What we've been through together…" I breathe, looking away. I suddenly feel a weight of anxiety land on me. Jade said about a year. That's a lot of together things to forget.

"I guess… no matter how or when you found out, it'd be shocking. Maybe Jade was right. Maybe I have been treating you too much like a fragile broken piece of glass." Tori mutters, and pauses before adding. "Fine. I'll give her cookies."

"Tori, I'm… I'm fine with knowing that we were dating." I breathe. "It's not like I'm against it. But…" I bite my lip, "No matter how I felt… I'm not… I'm not in the same place anymore."

"No, Cat don't worry about that." Tori waves her hands. "I know. I don't expect anything from you. I just want you to be safe… to feel better."

"But... Doesn't it hurt?" I whisper.

"No, I'm fine." Tori says too quickly. I finally look at her again. She has her acting face on. To anybody else, they'd see someone completely content with the fact they lost their girlfriend. But to me? I was oblivious to it before, but I realize how well I can read her now. Just based on the way her eyebrows are angled, and in what position her jaw is set in… the number of crinkles in her forehead and the clarity of her eyes… I know exactly how she's feeling. I guess it's something I picked up on while I was dating her. What's that called? Muscle memory?

"You're lying again." I state plainly, and she lets out a breath.

"Okay, yes, fine, you're right. I'm messed up." Tori frowns. "Half of today at my house was spent practically sobbing at the foot of my Christmas tree while my parents rubbed my back. That's why Trina behaved herself. She saw what a complete mess I am." Tori chokes, looking ready to start the sobs all over again. "But that doesn't change anything."

"What? Tori… of course it does. This isn't fair to you." I sigh. "I can't be that person for you anymore and it's not anybody's fault but… Maybe it'd be best if you could take some time for yourself and deal with your own feelings." I mutter, looking away. Tori's silent for about a minute before speaking again.

"Yeah, it sucks. But you're still alive, Cat. I almost lost you in a much worse way than just your memories of us being together. You could've… you could've been gone forever. And I'm not taking that for granted. So yes, it hurts now. It'll probably hurt for a long time. But if I don't cherish the time I have with you – even if it's just friendship – I'll never forgive myself." Tori claims. I look at her again. There are tears in her eyes.

"That… that's sweet and all, but I want you to take care of yourself." I sigh.

"I can do both. I can take care of myself and you." Tori promises, but I shake my head.

"Tor, that's not your responsibility anymore. I'm not your responsibility. I get I need help, but… the burden doesn't have to fall on you." I express. Tori whips her head away, her chest heaving before standing up and pacing back and forth a bit.

"It's not that simple." Tori mutters before facing me. "I made a promise, Cat. You don't remember, but I promised you I would always be there for you. Always. Through the good and bad, no matter what. It doesn't matter if you don't remember because I made that promise to the girl I love more than anyone else in the entire world and I swore to her that I'd be there for as long as I love her, and I haven't stopped yet." Tori whimpers, tears streaming down her face. I can only stare at her with my mouth agape.

She paces again, hands furiously running through her hair.

"But I get it, I get that you don't love me anymore. So if me _not_ being here for you is the best thing for you, then tell me." Tori stops, pointing at the door. "Tell me, Cat. Tell me you don't want me here with you. Tell me that and I won't argue. I'll start to get… Jade, Beck, Andre – whoever to watch over you instead. You won't have to deal with me anymore. Just tell me that, and I'll consider that fulfilling my promise."

I stare at her in awe. I've seen Tori in some passionate moments up on stage – whether with acting or singing – and I've never seen her like this. This is real. I can't believe how much I mean to her. I should probably tell her to leave… to let her start healing from a life where I don't love her anymore. But the thought of making her leave… it hurts. It makes me feel sick in a way that all of the orange juice in the world couldn't make it better. Even if I don't love her anymore, Tori still means the world to me.

So instead my shoulders shake with a sob, tears running down my cheeks, and I croak out, "I don't want you to go anywhere."

Tori's shaky, stiff arm slowly lowers from pointing at the exit, and she swallows her emotions down. "Then I'm not going anywhere." She promises. Tears fill my eyes more, and without even thinking about it, I leap from the couch and tackle her into the tightest hug I can muster. She holds me close, in that same familiar and perfect way as before.

"I'm so sorry." I whimper. I don't know what I'm sorry for. I guess a bunch of stuff that she probably wouldn't want me feeling sorry for. But that's all I want to say right now. I'm just sorry.

"Shh, it's okay. It'll be okay. We'll get through this." Tori coos soothingly. Maybe just she means about what happened to me, or maybe she means she believes we can fix our relationship. Either way, I'm happy to have her with me. But I just can't return her love anymore. I care about Tori a lot, but I don't want to date her… so I think we both just need to forget that we dated. Act like it never happened. I think it'll be better for her in the long run, and then I can just focus on finding out what caused my suicide attempt.

As far as I'm concerned, Tori Vega and I have never been anything more than best friends.

* * *

><p>"I'm not sure about this." I mutter, staring at the large wooden door.<p>

"Don't worry, this guy was recommended by your doctor. Complete professional. Maybe he'll be able to help get to the bottom of things." Tori assures me.

"But I don't _know_ him. How am I supposed to talk to him about my life?" I groan.

"Well… I know it's hard, but you're kind of required to see _someone_, considering your attempt… and mysterious memory loss…" Tori bites her lip. "Just try it out. If you hate it, I'll be right outside the door ready to take you back home."

"You'll be right here?" I ask.

"Right here." Tori smiles, gently shoving me to the door. "Good luck. Be honest."

"Okay…" I sigh. I slowly push the door open, looking back at Tori for a moment just to see her encouraging smile before I close the door behind me.

I look around the room. It's exactly how I would've expected it to look like. It's a dark room with a desk, a feinting couch and chair. Stuffed bookshelves line the walls, as well as various credentials that read "Dr. Faheem". Okay, so there is a psychologist who works here. But then, where is he?

As far as I can tell, it's just me and the books in here. Did I come at the right time? Tori said this was the right time… and the receptionist wouldn't have sent me in if he wasn't ready… Maybe he just went to the bathroom?

"Hello?" I ask the empty room. Suddenly, there's a bang under the desk and I let out a squeak. "Oh no, please don't be haunted." I groan, looking around frantically for some weapon I could use against a ghost.

"Ah, Miss. Valentine. I can assure you the only spirit you'll be encountering in here is the inner one." A soft voice comes from under the desk. A tall, lanky, older man crawls out from under it. He has gentle, understanding eyes and a calm smile.

And oh my god, that is the most amazing beard I've ever seen in my life. That beard deserves its own runway show.

"Uh… hi!" I greet skeptically, looking him over. "…Why were you under the desk?"

"Ah, yes, apologies, dear." He seems to liven up a bit as he presses the tips of his fingers together. "I'm sure this must seem odd to you. I must've lost track of time…" He shuffles through an agenda on his desk. "Yes, here you are. Cat Valentine, 1:30PM… And it's 1:35. I must remember to set a timer from now on…" He muses, and then gestures to the seat in front of the desk. "Please, take a seat. Or stand. However you feel most comfortable."

"Okay… I'll sit…" I sit down slowly, and he takes his one seat behind his desk. Not under it, thankfully. "So… um… desk?" I question. The calm smile returns to his face.

"You see, Cat – may I call you Cat?" He asks. I nod. "Often times many people of many variations have their own troubles to cope with. Some of these people include the counsellors, therapists, psychologist, etc. that people see to help them cope. Generally, these troubles and their journeys with them are what inspire them to help other people with their own troubles. I am one of those cases. For me, my journey led me to finding solace in meditation, and I always make sure I take the time every day to find a quiet space to sit with my thoughts and connect to my Zen." He explains. "Of course, as I said, there are people of many variations. Many different journeys. Where meditation may work for me, it may not work for everyone. I am here to help guide you towards what will work for you. Dr. Faheem, at your service."

He outstretches his arm, and I take it gladly. Great sales pitch. "Cat Valentine." I state, shaking his hand. He leans back, looking thoughtful.

"So, the way I understand it, you are a special case, yes?" Dr. Faheem inquires. I look down at my lap, embarrassed.

"Yeah. A little bit." I mutter.

"Not to worry, not to worry! We will keep it short today, since I know you have been through so much already." He assures me, and I give him a grateful smile. "Let's just get to know one another. Tell me about yourself."

"Um, well, from what I remember… I go to Hollywood Arts. I love to sing, dance, act… basically entertain people. I also love candy. Ooh! And puppies! And hamsters!" I gasp in excitement. He chuckles slightly.

"Well I certainly see you are full of life and energy. This is good to see." He smiles. "What about your family life? Your friends?"

"Um… again, from what I remember…" I start, but he holds up his hand.

"Do not trifle yourself with the memories you have lost right now. Memories make up a large part of who we are, and so what you remember now makes up who you are. If you do not remember these other things, then they are not currently part of you. I want to know about Cat Valentine. Who she is, right now." Dr. Faheem suggests.

"Okay." I nod. "So, I have a big family. But the ones I'm closest to are my mom, dad, brother and Nona. My mom and dad are great, although a little um… eccentric? They're kind of distant and off in their own world. Like me. But I love them. My brother is… the craziest one. I don't know how to describe him. He's just funny. He makes some great stories, even if I never understand him. And my Nona is really nice… she tells boring stories but I can count on her for anything."

"Good. They sound like a wonderful family." He smiles. "What about your friends?"

"I have some of the best friends in the world! There's a couple I hang out with at home. Sam is my roommate. She's really… strong. And angry. But she's a good friend. And then there's Dice and Goomer… they're fun to have around. But my most special friends go to Hollywood Arts with me. There's a group of them, and they're so talented and we've been through so much together. They're like a second family to me." I gush.

"Sounds like you have a very strong support group. That's good. I assume they've been there for you since all this happened?" He inquires.

"Oh! Yes. Well, sort of. I'm still adjusting so I haven't seen a lot of them… but one of them, Tori, she's been there for me since I woke up in the hospital. And she's been amazing. I don't know what I'd do without her." I mumble. He leans closer, as if he caught on to something I didn't notice I revealed.

"And you and Tori, you have a strong relationship?" He asks. I shift a little bit, twiddling my thumbs. I feel a faint blush form.

"Yeah. I mean. Sort of. It's gotten complicated. But… I trust her." I murmur. He leans back again.

"I see. We don't have to talk about anything you're uncomfortable with. It's just fact gathering at this stage." Dr. Faheem assures me. "Keep that in mind when I ask my next question."

"Okay?" I tilt my head, searching him.

"Now, I know you ran into some complications that landed you into the hospital. I'm in a bit of a different position since you don't remember what put you into that situation… however, I must ask, because despite memories being missing, some feelings and emotions may linger from before. How is your mental state? Are you dealing with the stress well?" He questions. I stare at him a moment. Even though it's a loaded question, his relaxed demeanor makes me feel as if he's not accusing, just curious.

"I feel okay. Yes it's upsetting but… I don't have suicidal thoughts. At all. I can't even fathom that." I mutter, and he nods slowly.

"I understand. Based on our short conversation, I didn't think you did. But it is in both of our best interests to ask." He states. "Well, Cat, you seem to be doing well so far. That will be all for today."

"Really?" I blink.

"Yes. I told you it was a short meeting today. I want to meet with you on a weekly basis though to check up on you. Is that okay?" Dr. Faheem asks.

"Yes, of course. I… I think I'm okay with that." I smile, and he smiles back.

"I'm so glad. I look forward to embarking on this journey with you." He stands up to shake my hand again, and when I let go I bite my lip.

"Um… Dr. Faheem…" I start slowly.

"Yes, Cat?"

"There's a… risk… that I might remember everything and be put back in that position where I want to… you know." I sigh. "Do you think it could happen? And when? And how?"

He stands there for a moment, pondering, before speaking. "What I suggest is that you not worry yourself about such things. Do not worry about what you do not remember. Worry about you – right now. Your support system will fill in the blanks in due time. And I'm sure the ones closest to you will make sure you have nothing to worry about – no matter how complicated a situation may be." He advises.

"Okay… thank you." I nod. "I'll see you in a week!"

"Goodbye, Cat. May your days be bright." He wishes, and I head out the door.

Tori stands up immediately from one of the chairs in the waiting room and rushes over to me.

"Already? Did you not like it?" Tori inquires gently.

"No, I actually liked it a lot… I think this'll be a good fit for me." I explain, and she smiles.

"Good. That's good. Tell me about it, if you want." Tori suggests. There was nothing about it that I'd really want to hide, so I do tell her about it.

The whole way home, I talk about his office, how I thought it was haunted, how he was under his desk… And then I told her how nice he was, and how he just wanted to get to know me. I told her that I mentioned her and how great she's been, and she blushed at that. And of course, I told her about his beard.

"So, wait, how long was it?" Tori asks as we head down the walkway to my apartment.

"Like, to the middle of his torso." I place my hand on my own body to show her.

"And how many loops did it have?" She questions, chuckling.

"Like six. And it was so _shiny_ Tori! I can't believe I forgot to ask what kind of shampoo and conditioner he used on his beard, because it was _reflective_. And-" I stop mid-explanation as we reach my door, and Tori stops beside me. I stare in surprise at the people there, and when they spot me they begin to speak.

"Cat! Oh, we were just about to give up that you weren't going to return! It's so nice to see you!"

"You had us really worried there when Tori called us. Sorry it took so long, but we're here now. You can bet we're not going to let anything happen to our little girl now."

I feel a mix of emotions as the two people waiting in front of my door envelop me in a tight hug. It's not that I'm not happy to see them, I'm just… surprised to see them so soon.

My parents have returned to LA to see me.

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><p><strong>Author's Notes: The Valentines have returned. They probably should've called first. Why is Cat so shocked? Is she really happy to see her parents? Is she upset? There's probably some underlying issues there... And how are interactions between Cat and Tori going to go now that Cat's aware of the unrequited love? How will this affect both of them? Probably with angst. <strong>

**Let me know how you're liking this... Let me know how much you want to kill me for putting Cat and Tori through so much. I swear, they never deserve the situations I put them through. Whoops. At least they have each other, or at least, they did until Cat forgot everything... Okay, I'm a horrible person. Review anyway!**

**Fun Fact: "Faheem" means something like "perceptive" in Arabic. I think. I'm just going off of Wikipedia and Google Translate, here. I don't know Arabic. It has pretty writing, though. Point is, his name means something.**


	4. Family Ties

**Disclaimer: "Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaallllllllllllgggggghhhhhhhhhuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh" - "I don't own Victorious" in zombie. Or in sick waitwhathuh.**

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><p>"Mom? Dad?" I gape as they rush over to hug me between them.<p>

"Ooh it's such a relief to see you." My mom breathes, getting emotional. "When Tori told us… I don't know. I was worried what we'd come here to…"

"Now, now dear. Let's not upset her." Dad warns, and they both pull away and my dad carefully grasps me by the shoulders. "You doing okay?"

"Uh…" I stare, not able to find my words. My head is just filled with jumbled letters. My parents looks at me worriedly and my mom glances over at Tori.

"Is she okay?" My mom asks. Tori leans over slowly to look at me.

"She should be…" Tori gauges me carefully. I shoot her a look to help diffuse the situation, as if she can somehow. I don't know, I just believe she can. "Um, remember how I told you on the phone that Cat lost quite a bit of her memory?"

My parents give Tori blank looks for a second, and then it's like a light goes off in their head. My dad slaps his forehead with his palm. "Right, yes of course! You did tell us. Sorry, it was hard to hear much else after you told us… the first part of what happened." Dad frowns, and Tori nods with understanding. My mom touches my cheek gently.

"No wonder you seem so confused." My mom sighs, looking sad. "We would've been here much sooner than we were if it weren't for the snow storms, believe me." She takes a deep breath. "We're much better parents to you this year than we were last year, I promise."

"You are?" I blink, and she nods with tears in her eyes. I give Tori a confused look, and she gives me an encouraging one back. I let out a sigh, and turn back to my parents. "Would you like to come in?"

"Of course we would." My mom grins. Both my parents beam at me as I unlock and open the door, letting them in. I feel creepy tingles up the back of my neck. I know Dr. Faheem said to focus on what I can remember, but seeing my parents like this seemed to open up a blank space in my mind. It's there, but it's blank, and it's right next to the blank space labeled 'relationship with Tori'. "Is Sam in?"

"No, she's in Italy right now." I explain. My dad gives a gruff nod.

"I'm not complaining. She kind of scares me." He shudders.

"I like her. There's something charming about her feistiness. At least we never have to worry about burglars or murderers getting to our Cat." Mom argues.

"Hmm. That's true." Dad shrugs. Wait, they've met Sam?

"And where's that boy with the fluffy hair? Dice?" Mom inquires.

They've met Dice?!

"Uh, I don't know. I haven't seen him yet since… everything." I shift slightly over to Tori. "Tori…" I whisper to her, a sense of pleading in my voice. I need some context, here!

"Right. Mr. and Mrs. Valentine, would you mind if Cat and I excused ourselves privately for a moment?" Tori requests. My mom sits down on the couch, crossing her legs with an air of grace and poise.

"Oh, of course, dears. You just got home, and you probably need to talk. Just don't get too intimate while we're here." She winks. Why'd she say it like that? It's like she thinks we're going to go make out… Oh, it's because she DOES.

"Mom, we're not-" I start, but Tori grabs me by hand and drags me away.

"Just make yourselves at home!" Tori calls to them before pulling me into my room and closing the door firmly. She rests her hands against the door, looking stressed. "I knew they'd be coming soon, but not this soon. A call would've been nice. The problem with introducing you to everything slowly is that sometimes you'll be faced with some confusing situations." She turns to me with a frown. "I'm sorry about this."

"It's okay… now is a time as good as any to fill me in." I tilt my head slightly. "So, can you explain those people sitting in my living room who are supposed to be my parents? Because based on how they talked and that they're even here… They're not the same people I remember them as."

"A lot can change in a year." Tori nods, quoting me from before. "Your mom was right. They are a lot better parents to you now than they were last year."

This is important. I had a great relationship with my family. I was pretty close with them. I mean sure, just because of the people we are we were a little distant, but they were people I could count on. That all changed when they moved to Idaho for my brother.

I was grateful that they let me stay in LA so I could continue going to Hollywood Arts, but as time went on it became more and more apparent how excluded I was becoming. Phone calls became almost non-existent. Visits really were non-existent. What really made it a breaking point for me was that after Sam got me locked up in jail one time, they didn't come bail me out. They weren't there for me at all. I tried to brush it off, but deep down it really hurt me. I lost my family, one of the biggest rocks you're supposed to have in your life.

But I never told anyone about it. Not Jade, not Sam, not even Dr. Faheem when he asked about my family, and he's paid to deal with that stuff. So, the fact that Tori knows about this at all… how I felt about my family before… that really shows how close I really was to her. I'm pretty open with my thoughts, but my feelings about my family I guarded close to my heart. I suppose Tori must've been even closer to my heart to hear about it.

"So I actually exist to them now?" I mutter, and Tori gives me a sympathetic look.

"It's not perfect, but they are working on it. They call you fairly frequently and they've been visiting at least once a month for over half a year. It's… true they weren't visiting for Christmas. But they promised to see you at New Year's." Tori explains. "Like I said, it's not perfect. There's still some tension but… they're here."

"That does say a lot, considering…" I sigh, tilting my head. "But was I happy with how things with my parents were going?"

"Yeah, definitely." Tori nods. I ponder a moment.

"I guess that's not why, then." I mumble. Now Tori tilts her head.

"Why what?" She inquires.

"It's not why I… did things." I say slowly, and her eyes widen. "I mean, I never felt that way about it in the first place. It hurt, but not that much. I guess I can cross my family troubles off the possible reasons why."

"Oh… Cat, I hope you're not obsessing about that. We'll figure that out." Tori assures me. I shake my head.

"No, I'm not. But I do need to look at all the possibilities." I state. Tori shifts slightly, looking uncomfortable.

"You're right, we do." She barely whispers, looking zoned out. I touch her arm, which seems to snap her out of it.

"I know you said you'd help me out, but if it's too much…" I bite my lip.

"No, no it's not. I need to know why as much as you do. I'll do whatever I can to figure out why what happened, happened." Tori promises, and she smiles at me softly. "But for now, let's just worry about catching up with your parents. They've been worried about you."

"Right… I feel better knowing they're trying now." I nod, turning to the door. Tori's hand on my shoulder stops me.

"Cat, there's one more thing." Tori breathes. I turn to her, curious.

"What's that?" I ask. She looks uncomfortable again, looking off to the side as if she'll find the right words to say there.

"You probably noticed, but they don't know you forgot about… us." Tori gestures between me and her.

"I know. We'll just clear it up." I turn back to the door but she stops me again.

"Cat… I don't think that'll go over well." Tori mutters. She looks extremely embarrassed.

"Why not?" I inquire. She bites her lip, and then let's out a frustrated huff.

"Because… they kind of adore us together. And… Our relationship was a big part of the reason your relationship with your parents started to repair itself." Tori reveals. I blink at her.

"What? Why?" I gape. What would Tori and I have anything to do with it? She takes a deep breath.

"A couple of months after we got together, you told your parents about us. They had a… a strong reaction. They weren't angry or anything, just shocked. When they tried to ask you more about it, you shut them out the same way they had been shutting you out. That's when they realized, I guess. That was the turning point. After that they wouldn't leave you alone until you let them in again. That's when you started rebuilding your relationship." Tori recalls. Wow, so without Tori… I might've never fixed my relationship with my parents?

"And they really like us together?" I ask. Tori gets a small tint of pink on her face.

"So much so your mom sent me a queer wedding catalogue." Tori murmurs. I feel my own face heat up. "They kind of consider our relationship the saving grace for your family…"

"So… they wouldn't be very happy if I told them I don't remember we ever dated in the first place, and that were not dating anymore." I conclude. Tori seems to flinch at my words, and I feel a moment of guilt. This isn't helping her move on.

"Right… they'd probably get a little… rattled. You know how they are. And I don't want them putting pressure on you that you don't want." Tori frowns. She's right, I know what they're like. If what Tori says is true, and I don't doubt her, then I wouldn't put it past my parents to obsessively try to pair us back together. I don't want to go through that, and I don't want Tori to suffer through that either.

"Why didn't you tell them on the phone on Christmas Eve? They might've had more time to process." I huff.

"I… Cat, you have to understand… I had just lost my year-long relationship with you. I was in pretty big denial that night. Still kind of am." She mutters. There's the guilt again. "I just couldn't tell them."

"It's okay… I understand." I assure her. I want to hug her, or something. I don't know where our boundaries are anymore. "So what should we do?"

"I guess… not tell them. Go out there and pretend we're still a couple. Then after some time, we can tell them we," She takes a deep breath, "officially broke up. Just as long as the cause for you acting like a family again isn't erased, I think that'd be enough for them."

I gape at her. "But… no… Tori! I don't want to deal with this. I told you. Whatever we had. I'm not in that place anymore. I just want us both to move on. This is the exact opposite of moving on!" I whine. "Can't we just tell them we broke up after the hospital?"

"We broke up after you attempted suicide? Really?" Tori raises an eyebrow, and I let out a breath.

"Okay. Stupid idea." I mutter.

"Cat, look… I understand how you feel about this. I respect that more than anything, I swear. I wouldn't suggest this if it wasn't important. We don't have to do anything coupley, just not acknowledge our… lack of a relationship." She takes another deep breath. "But I know this puts you in an awkward position, so if you want to tell them you can. Either way you're faced with an awkward situation. I thought this one might be the lesser of two evils."

"No… you're right, it is." I sigh. "I know you wouldn't suggest this as some sort of… final fix of being my girlfriend."

"Of course not. God, I would much rather us act coupley because we **both** want to. Acting when it's not real… well, this hurts enough as it is." Tori chews on her lip and shakes her head. "Sorry. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. It's not your fault."

"That's okay. I don't want you to bottle up your feelings either. I know you're in pain. I wish I could make it go away." I frown. She hugs herself tightly.

"I just need time, don't worry." Tori assures me. "Okay, ready to go act? Remember, we don't actually have to do anything… romantic."

"Right." I nod. I feel bad. Neither of us should have to go through this. But I also don't want my parents to pull away from me again. "Let's do this thing."

Tori chuckles and opens the door, and we walk out to rejoin my parents.

"Did you clear everything up?" My mom smiles at us as we walk in.

"Yeah…" I breathe, before throwing myself onto my mom with a hug. She lets out a small sound of surprise before squeezing me tight. "I missed you guys. I mean, Tori explained… but I don't remember. So I missed you." I mumble. I still feel some bitterness that they shut me out at all, and that I feel I have to fake a relationship with my best friend around, but at least they're here. They're trying.

"Oh honey-bun." My mom chokes. "Don't worry. We're here. Mama's got you."

"Thank you." I whimper. I never thought our relationship would be repaired. I owe Tori everything.

I pull back and immediately hug my dad as well, and he only responds in muffled sobs. They really do care.

We get through the emotional "re-reunion" moments before we settle down to talk.

"It's getting close to dinner. Should we order something?" Tori suggests. Good. Having food always makes my parents happy. And me. And pretty much everyone else in the world. Ooh, we should get pizza!

"Nonsense. Just let me poke around a bit in the kitchen and I'll whip something up." Mom offers.

"Oh… we might have to restock a bit after making Christmas dinner." Tori explains.

"Ah, I'm glad you still had Christmas dinner." Dad grins.

"Me too. I missed two of them already. And two Thanksgiving dinners." I muse. Tori shoots me a look and I freeze. Oh yeah! They're supposed to know just how much I've forgotten because that might make them realize I forget I was dating Tori. Chiz, I already messed up! Thankfully my parents can be as absentminded as I am. They don't seem to notice.

"Well I suppose we'll have to order then. How does that sound?" Mom suggests.

"That sounds great, thank you." I beam. Tori picks up the phone.

"What's everyone feeling?" She inquires.

"Pizza!" I blurt out, and slap my hand over my mouth. "Um. I mean, pizza sounds good." My appetite has been iffy ever since… the incident, but right now I feel so hungry. I think I could eat a whole pizza. Tori looks at me warmly, letting out a chuckle.

"Whatever you want, Cat." Tori smiles, and my parents agree. She orders a couple, one of them with my favourite toppings. That doesn't surprise me as much, she's known my favourite pizza for as long as I can actually remember.

"Oh I feel so much more comfortable knowing Tori is here to look after you. I know you're in capable hands." Mom sighs. "I'm glad you're not one of those people who abandons your loved ones when things get rough."

"Yeah, Cat can't get rid of me that easily." Tori claims, sitting down next to me on the couch. I shoot her a smile.

"Don't I know it." I nudge her playfully. She gives me a knowing look, a slight smirk on her face.

"Ah, you're definitely an example to us, Tori." Dad nods. Yep, Tori was telling the truth. They adore her and our relationship. I notice my mom look between me and Tori, confused.

"What?" I ask her.

"Nothing, I'm just used to you two being much more snuggly. Generally it's nearly impossible to catch you two _not_ attached in some way." Mom notes. I feel my face fill up with heat, and I can see out of the corner of my eye that Tori's is red, too.

"Um. I just thought it might not be appropriate in front of you guys." I rush out.

"That never stopped you two before." Dad raises his eyebrow. Chiz. Chiz. Chizzy chiz.

"Er… Well Cat doesn't remember being with me in front of you before…" Tori states. Great. Now we're full out lying. Sigh.

"Well you don't have to hide from us. We _love_ seeing you two together. It gives us life." Mom gushes like a school girl.

"Uh… O-okay…" Tori stumbles, shifting slightly. I can see how awkward she feels. She promised we wouldn't have to do anything romantic… and she still doesn't want to subject me to that. That's cute of her… You know, in a friend way.

I hope this doesn't hurt her too much, but we have to sell this. Might as well commit to the ruse.

I lean over to give Tori a peck on the cheek and then shuffle my back into her torso, taking her arms to put them around me. She's tense for a moment, but her body quickly melds to mine. That same familiar, comfortable feeling washes over me. It's weird, having your body remember something your brain can't. But it feels nice. I might actually enjoy it if I didn't know this was torture for Tori.

"Much better." My mom beams. I feel Tori hide her face in my hair, her breath brushing by my ear.

"Sorry." She breathes into it, quiet enough so that my parents couldn't hear her. I squeeze her arms around me to reassure her. If anything, I'm the one who should be sorry. My parents smile warmly as if they believe Tori must've just whispered something romantic into my ear. I form a giddy smile to help seal the deal, and their smiles widen. But after some time, they drop into seriousness.

"So, Cat…" Dad starts, his face full of overwhelming concern. "How are you feeling?"

I know that tone of voice and that look well enough by now. He's wondering if I'm still having 'dangerous thoughts'. I can't blame them for wondering, but I'm getting so tired of the question!

"I'm fine, dad. I don't remember anything about what happened, so you don't have to worry about that." I assure both my parents. They both seem to relax considerably.

"Any idea what might've… you know…" Mom trails off, looking uncomfortable. For a moment I wonder if they worried they were the cause, too.

"No, I have no idea." I shake my head. "I'm just as stumped as you are."

"But we're going to find out." Tori pipes up. "Trust me, whatever or whoever hurt Cat so badly… I won't let them get away with it." She mutters. I'm glad I'm facing away from her, because her voice sounded so… dark. I'd hate to see the look on her face when she said that.

"We know, Tori." My mom nods. Even though she seemed to put her confidence in Tori, she seems to shoot an intense look over my shoulder at her. I don't know what it means, but Tori seems to have an idea. I feel her practically shrink back into the couch and tense up like a rock. As an uncontrollable reflex, I start tracing on Tori's arm with my finger. I feel Tori relax immediately, but I tense up when I realize what I'm slowly tracing.

_I love you_

I quickly change to drawing a unicorn. I mean, it's not like I don't love her. I do. But it means something totally different to her. Stupid muscle memory.

Tori likes unicorns, right? Who doesn't?

My parents continue to ask about things I've already been over. Yes, I feel much better. Yes, I'm a little overwhelmed but I'm coping. Yes, I'm taking it slow. Yes, Tori is taking good care of me. No, I'm not scared because of what happened.

That last one was a lie, but I don't want them to worry. I don't want them packing up and leaving my brother to be here when I'm doing okay with Tori. I know, that's a little backwards since I should be so happy that they want to be in my life again. And I am. But I'm still a little tentative… I don't remember bonding with them again, and like Dr. Faheem said, I need to focus on what I do remember. They have to prove themselves to me again before I trust them again. Right now, Tori is still the one I trust the most.

Speaking of which, I'm still trying to balance being convincing girlfriends to my parents while not breaking Tori's heart. I think just seeing me breaks her heart, so…

Oogh, I feel sick. I don't like causing Tori pain.

"You okay?" Tori asks. I'm sitting on her lap now. The pizza arrived and we've been digging in. I stopped mid-bite when I realized how much pain Tori must be in just to be around me. "You were really excited about the pizza a minute ago. Still don't have much of an appetite?"

I bite my lip. I know she's still sensitive to my mood changes in case I remember everything. I don't want to concern her, but I can't talk about how much I'm hurting her in front of my parents. I stare at my pizza, still steaming hot and fresh.

"How do you think the pizza feels?" I ask. Tori and my parents all give me a puzzled look.

"…What?" Tori questions.

"I mean, pizza is great. It's warm and… makes me feel better. It does everything for me. But I bite into it… it must hurt a lot… and it literally takes a chunk out of the pizza. How does the pizza handle it? I feel… awful about hurting the pizza when it's done nothing wrong." I mumble.

Silence hangs in the room for a moment before my dad leans over to my mom. "I don't think we need to worry about this experience changing her. She's still as random as ever." He whispers to her. My mom nods in agreement.

But Tori? Tori pulls me closer, a glossy look in her eyes. I knew she'd get it.

"I wouldn't worry about the pizza… the pizza cares more about your comfort and happiness. So much so that you being okay drowns out any pain. Yes it feels the pain, but it bears it for you. You're worth it. And it won't hurt forever. So feel free to eat the pizza." Tori murmurs, then her eyes go wide and she blushes. "Y-you know what I mean."

"I don't." My mom whispers back to my dad.

"I do." I assure Tori, cupping her cheek. But I don't know if I feel much better. It's actually causing me pain to see her in pain, even if I can't help how we feel. But, knowing her, I'm not going to convince her any differently. She's determined to stay… my pizza.

"Any idea what they're talking about?" Dad continues his hushed conversation.

"Must be a queer thing." Mom concludes. I roll my eyes and cuddle into Tori. Not as her fake lover. As her best friend who wants her to feel better.

After dinner (that is, many slices of pizza), my parents prepare to head back to Idaho.

"You sure you don't need us to stay a little longer? I can help with the cooking, the cleaning…" Mom lists off.

"I'm good. Thank you." I give her a sincere smile, but she stares back.

"Are you one hundred percent sure…" She asks again, but my dad puts his arm around her.

"Come on, honey. Give her some space." Dad urges. My mom sighs.

"Oh, alright. I can't help being worried. I guess I should feel comfortable since Tori's here…" Mom pauses for a moment. "Tori, may I talk with you privately?"

"Uh, sure." Tori nods, but she looks nervous. They head out the sliding door in the back, closing it behind them.

"Cat," My dad starts. "I know this is all very sudden and confusing, but I assure you… things will be different this time around. Please don't push us away." He requests softly.

"Okay, dad." I nod.

"Your brother was very worried about you, too. You know he would've come but… he doesn't travel well." Dad scratches the back of his head awkwardly.

"Some things never change." I sigh. "Is he doing well?"

"Honestly, not much change in the last year." He admits.

"Oh." I frown.

"But the facility is still doing all it can, and so are we. We're just making sure not to lose sight of our other child in the process." Dad gives me a warm smile, and I'm inclined to believe him.

"Maybe I can visit him soon." I offer.

"I'm sure he'd like that." He states. At that moment, I feel gentle arms slink around my waste, pulling me to the warm body behind me. I recognize it's Tori right away. She's silent, holding me tight against her. I'm confused for a moment, but then I realize she's not doing this to assure my parents of our relationship. This embrace is full of love. She let her instincts take over on this one.

"Remember to call any time if you need anything. We'll drop everything. I promise." Mom states, cupping my cheek. She doesn't seem to want to break my embrace with Tori, so she kisses me on the forehead. I instantly notice it's not the same as when Tori kisses me on the forehead. I still feel cared for, but it's like Tori's kiss warms my entire body.

"Okay. I'll remember." I promise.

"You sure? You seem pretty forgetful lately." Dad retorts. My mom gasps.

"Eric!" Mom reprimands.

"Too soon?" Dad chuckles. "Cat knows. A Valentine always laughs off hardship."

"Got it." I roll my eyes. Tori pulls me tighter.

"Love you." My parents say in unison.

"Love you guys, too." I express, feeling a bit of a catch in my throat. We're the Valentines… and we love and are there for each other. It's all I wanted.

They head out the door, and Tori doesn't move. I don't make her. Eventually she pulls away slowly, a deep breath escaping her.

"That wasn't so bad." Tori mumbles, walking in front of me. "I'd say it went pretty well… don't you think? Cat?"

I'm too distracted by Tori's complexion to answer her question. Her skin is the same shade as it was when I first woke up in the hospital. The tight hug… the ghostly, sickly look…

"Tori, what'd my mom say to you?" I inquire. She hesitates a moment before turning away quickly.

"Nothing… just concerned mother stuff." Tori assure me.

"Like…?" I press. She says nothing, sitting on the couch. "Tori, how many times have I told you… I need you to be open with me."

"Okay… It's just hard to say. She basically just… said a lot of what I was thinking." Tori sighs, running her hands over her face. "Again, she was just being a concerned mother. I had a responsibility to look after you and I… messed up. I let you get hurt. She wanted to… remind me not to mess up again. And I won't."

"Oh, Tori…" I breathe, sitting beside her. I carefully rub her shoulder. "It's not your fault any more than it's my fault."

"Try telling my heart that." Tori chokes. I stare at her, sympathy filling every part of my own heart.

What's that thing Valentines do?

I lean down close to her chest, taking a deep breath.

"It's not your fault!" I shout into her. I pull back, a smile on my face. "There. Better?"

She blinks at me a couple times in surprise before breaking out into a smile and shaking her head. "Yeah. Much." Tori coos. She chuckles, looking at her lap. "I can always count on you to put a smile on your face."

"Hey, I'm always here for you. You don't have to be the only pizza around here. I'll be yours, too." I promise her, reaching out and squeezing her knee. A small smile still stays on her face as her eyes follow my arm to my hand's resting place on her knee. I retract it quickly. Stupid. She's been through enough. "Sorry. Are you feeling okay after everything?"

She inhales a large amount of air, closing her eyes. "Yeah." She opens them again, looking at me with a bittersweet smile. "I knew it'd be hard with it not being real, but honestly… It was nice. Being able to act that way towards you one more time." Tori muses, shaking her head. She seems to sink into herself. "But I get that was the last time. I know you want to ignore it. It's okay. Never happened."

"Tori…" I sigh.

"I think I'm going to turn in early. I just feel… exhausted." Tori stretches, standing up quickly. I watch her with a heavy heart as she heads to the back hallway. She pauses, turning back to me. "Don't hesitate to call me if you need anything." And then she heads down to the bedroom. Probably to go sleep in Sam's stinky bed again. For me.

I still think forgetting our relationship happened is the right thing to do, but… I'm actually really sad about not being affectionate anymore. I'm going to miss that familiar, safe feeling. I don't feel that way about her, but I don't know… it's so confusing. There's that huge disconnect. I want Tori's love, but…

No, that's unfair of me. I need to let her move on. I don't see myself growing romantic feelings for her anytime soon, and I don't even know how deep those feelings went before. No, this is for the best for both of us. I just need to give Tori more breathing room.

I catch up on some TV before I head to bed. It's pretty late because there were so many episodes, and you know… when a show is good, you try to convince yourself that this is the last episode you'll watch, but it never is. Eventually I make it into the bedroom all ready for sleep time. I see Tori in Sam's bed, fast asleep.

I approach quietly. She looks conflicted in her sleep. My heart pounds a bit painfully at the sight. I wave a hand in front of her face to check how deep of a sleep she's in. She doesn't stir. I bite my lip, and then I carefully lean down to leave a light kiss on her forehead. I'm hoping even when sleeping, she'll feel that same encompassing warm, cared for feeling I always experienced.

When I pull away, I'm relieved to see her still sound asleep, the conflicted and pained look washed over by a look of tranquility.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Note: I'm very sick and in need of rest so I'll keep this short. Past family issues! More Cori angst! Pizza! I don't even know what I just edited I feel so out of it. Let me know if I accidentally posted my resume. <strong>

**Fun Fact: I once had a very deep conversation about my feelings with someone, except we used pizza as a metaphor... That's where the idea came from. Also, chapter slightly inspired by Faking It because they were, you know... Faking It.**

**Quick, somebody bring me warm blankets. **


	5. From 0 To 100

**Disclaimer: If you could take my pulse right now, if would feel just like a I DON'T OWN VICTORIOUS.**

* * *

><p>"Cat!"<p>

I'm tackled with a hug as soon as I open the door. I have to take a moment to collect my bearings, because the last time I remember being hugged by this person… they weren't taller than me.

"D-Dice?" I gape.

"What? You said it'd be okay for us to visit." Dice lets go of me, giving Tori a questioning look. She's chuckling slightly. "Right?"

"I think she's just a little surprised at your height, Dice." Tori explains.

"And your voice!" I continue to gape. Dice breaks into a grin, flexing a bit.

"Yeah, puberty did me good." He looks at his arms a moment, and then he quickly hides them behind his back. "Well, for most things."

"Don't worry, Cat. Even if you did remember his growth spurt, you'd still be surprised. He grew like a weed." Tori laughs.

"At least your bushy hair is still the same." I giggle, standing on my tippy toes to pat his head.

"Hey, of course not. My 'do is iconic." Dice boasts.

"Dice, that's not appropriate to talk about in front of two ladies." A big, slow voice comes from outside. Goomer saunters into the apartment.

"What? What's wrong with talking about my… Aw, Goomer! That's not what I meant!" Dice groans, but Goomer ignores him and focus on me instead. He seems to sniffle a little.

"Cat." He chokes in his deep drawl. "Thank you for not being dead." He scoops me um in a deep hug.

"Um, no problem… Goomer." I mutter, muffled against his big form.

"I was s-so scared when Dice told me what ha-happened." Goomer cries, pulling away with a fierce look on his face. "You just tell me where this guy 'Pills' is and I will go beat them up."

"No, Goomer… I told you she _took_ pills." Dice smacks his forehead.

"And I'm sayin' I'll go beat 'em up!" Goomer exclaims. "Anyone who puts Cat in the hospital is going to get my fists in his face!"

"Goomer-" Dice sighs.

"That's okay!" I squeak up quickly. "It won't happen again! Promise. Uh… 'Pills' won't ever bother me again." I state. Since Goomer seems so ready to hit whoever put me in the hospital, it's probably a good idea if we leave out that I put _myself_ in the hospital.

"They better not." Goomer puffs out his chest.

"Trust me… no more repeats." I sigh, looking directly at Dice. He gives a relieved look, and nods in understanding.

I told Tori yesterday that I was ready to see all my friends again. I really want to lessen the load off her. I figure having my friends back in my life will help, and then the responsibility won't be all up to her to watch out for me. Although, I'm guessing she'll still take up the bulk of the responsibility, knowing her. Mostly I just want to see my friends again, even if I'm scared to see any changes.

"It's nice to see you're the same old, large height you've always been, Goomer." I beam.

"Sure am!" Goomer pounds his chest with his fist.

"Have you guys heard from Sam?" Dice questions. I shake my head.

"Not yet. You?" I ask.

"Nope." Dice sighs.

"I sent her an e-mail telling her what happened. No idea if she's read it yet." Tori shrugs.

"Maybe Italy made her forget all about us." Dice ponders.

"Hey, she never gets to see Carly and Freddie much anymore. And I bet the meatballs there are amazing. Let her have a good time. She doesn't need to rush back because of me." I state.

"I'd rush back." Dice affirms, and Goomer nods in agreement.

"Aww, you guys…" I flush.

"Goom and I would've come to see you at the hospital, but Tori wouldn't let us." Dice mutters. Tori gives him an apologetic look.

"Dice, it wasn't up to me. I would've loved to have you visit, but…" Tori looks tentatively over to me.

"Right. I know. Height difference and all that." Dice sighs. "It was just hard not knowing what was going on."

"I'm… sorry you were so upset." I frown, and he starts waving his hands frantically.

"No, no! Not upset, just… worried. We both saw them take you to the ambulance and it looked… bad. It was hard not knowing what was going on." Dice recalls. "But you're okay now, and that's all that matters."

"Those ambience people were rude." Goomer sulks.

"Ambulance." Dice corrects, and then aside to us, "Goomer thought it was an ice cream truck."

"Chased it for eight blocks!" Goomer proclaims proudly, and then grows dark. "Didn't get any ice cream. I wanted some Funky Nut Blast." He pouts. Tori and I share a smile, remembering the time that ice cream flavour was the most important thing for us. Since I lost a lot of memories with Tori, the ones I _can_ remember… they're precious. I wonder how many times an inside joke from the last year was referenced in the past couple days, and Tori would have to fight the urge to look at me with that smile, knowing I wouldn't remember.

"Well, I think I still always have my freezer stocked with ice cream… unless that's changed." I look to Tori, and she's beaming.

"Trust me, you never have to worry about that changing." Tori chuckles.

"Then please join us for ice cream." I gesture to the kitchen.

"Cat and Tori are mighty nicer than those ambience people." Goomer whispers to Dice.

"Ambulance. Not ice cream truck, not ambience." Dice corrects again. "How do you even know the word ambience and not ambulance?"

"Ain't they those things that travel around underground in a tube?" Goomer questions.

"You… you mean subways? …I give up." Dice smacks his forehead. Both Tori and I chuckle, and I know if Sam were here she'd be making a snide comment about Goomer's intelligence.

"So, tell me what you guys have been up to the last year." I inquire, getting bowls of ice cream for everyone.

"Well, my business is booming." Dice boasts.

"My business is gooming." Goomer grins.

"Oh really?" I chuckle.

"Yeah! I actually got a job in a commercial. You helped me with that." Dice gushes.

"Aw, I'm so nice." I giggle.

"Yes, you are! Since you don't remember the million times I thanked you, tha-" Dice starts, but Tori quickly puts a hand over his mouth.

"I think I remember your constant gratefulness enough for both me and Cat." Tori sighs. "Like that time Cat was in my room at my house and you brought a trampoline so you could reach my window to say thank you over and over…"

"Heh… right." Dice blushes. "Problem is, since then I've kind of lost my innocent child-like look, and the commercial world is competitive so I'm enrolling at Hollywood Arts next year!"

"That's amazing, Dice!" I beam.

"You're just excited the first time you told her." Tori chuckles.

"Hey, gotta recreate the experience." Dice shrugs.

"I appreciate it." I laugh. "But you better still be dancing at birthday parties."

Again, Dice grows red. "Er, yes. Of course. Ugh, why couldn't you have forgotten _that_ part?"

"Never." I smirk. Dice rolls his eyes.

"Anyway, and Goomer is getting ranked as one of the top MMA fighters in the country. He made it all the way to the championship match this year!" Dice exclaims.

"I lost." Goomer frowns.

"Yeah, but only because the guy cheated. You'll get him next time." Dice assures his friend, patting him on the shoulder.

"Yeah!" Goomer pumps his fist, nearly knocking his bowl of ice cream over.

"I bet his old manager is kicking himself." Dice gloats. Goomer reaches over and puts Dice in a headlock.

"Best manager a guy could ask for!" Goomer cries.

"Geez, take it easy! I'm not one of your opponents!" Dice groans, waving his arms. Goomer lets Dice go, and Dice immediately tries to fix his hair. Both Tori and I shake our heads.

"Well I'm happy it's going so well for both of you." I chuckle.

"Weren't you going to ask them something, Cat?" Tori asks.

"Oh yeah! Tonight we're hosting a small New Year's party with all of my close friends… you guys in? I know it's short notice so I'd understand if you couldn't make it." I request.

"Of course we're in! Right, Goomer?" Dice asks.

"No! I don't want new ears!" Goomer gasps.

"New _Year's_, Goomy." Dice huffs.

"Oh. Then okay. But I changed my mind about new ears. I want some like Tori's. They're pretty and tan." Goomer stares.

"Uh… thanks, Goomer." Tori blinks. I look over at her. She does have pretty great ears.

"Well… maybe that can be your New Year's resolution." Dice shakes his head. "Although my resolution will be to work on what's between your ears…"

"My nose?" Goomer asks.

Dice lets out a large groan.

* * *

><p>"Okay, we've got popcorn, chips, trail mix, salsa… what else… oh, I should make juice! Or is juice too lame for a New Year's party? I mean, we're still underage so it's not like we're going to get any alcohol. Besides, it's just a small group of us…" Tori rambles, rushing around to get the apartment ready.<p>

"Can't go wrong with punch." I suggest absent mindedly.

"Yeah! Punch is good. I'll mix some up… Cat?" Tori questions, noticing me staring at the calendar hanging up by the booth in our kitchen. It's on the last page of 2014. "You sure you're going to be okay tonight?"

She comes over, placing her hand on my shoulder. I sigh, placing my own hand on top of hers. "Yeah. It's just weird. Tomorrow's… 2015. That's a crazy thought, you know?" I sigh.

"I can't imagine… It must be so hard to believe. It must still feel like 2013 to you, and now…" We both look at the calendar again and she squeezes my shoulder. "Maybe a New Year's get together was a bad idea. We can still cancel."

"No, I really want to see all my friends. It'll be better having them here." I state. I know it'll become a lot more real when I see everything starting to read 2015. Then it'll become clear how much of a large chunk of my life I'm missing. I could start counting without 4's instead of 3's, but I feel like that won't be enough. I'll want to snuggle tonight. I don't want that to have to be Tori. I want this to be a new start for both of us.

"Okay." Tori nods. "But if you want to go to bed early… let us know. Everyone will understand."

"Got it." I agree. "Who's going to be here tonight?" I inquire. Tori texted out the invitations, so I don't actually know who's coming.

"Um… everyone who can make it." Tori says vaguely. I stare at her.

"Like…" I say slowly. She bites her lip.

"Like our friends from school." Tori shrugs, turning away. "You know, the gang."

"Okay, good. Just making sure." I smile. The gang. Good. Something else familiar. I watch Tori as she starts straightening up a bit more. "You know, if there's someone in the last year that joined our gang, you can invite them too."

"Oh. Well I'm glad you'd be open to that, but nobody has joined our group. Only ones outside of the Hollywood Arts gang that'll be there are Dice and Goomer." Tori states. I nod slowly.

"Know what this party needs?" I start. She looks up at me.

"What's that?"

"Streamers."

Tori grins. "We might have some left over decorations from Yay Day. We can make the place look a little flashier."

"Yay! Just… no decorations saying '2015'." I request.

"Agreed." Tori nods.

We set the place up all pretty and sparkly, and not a moment too soon because the doorbell rang.

"Ding dong, those must be our first guests!" I exclaim. Tori stares at me and I give her a confused look. "What?"

"Nothing… just… you kicked the ding dong habit in the last year. Weird hearing you say it again." Tori notes.

"Oh. Oops." I bite my lip.

"No it's okay. I always… found it cute." Tori admits, her face red. I look down, embarrassed and shifting my feet. The doorbell rings again and I fight the urge to vocalize it. "Um, I'll get it."

Tori opens the door, and Dice and Goomer enter.

"We brought dip!" Dice exclaims, raising the bowl above his head.

"I made it!" Goomer grins. Dice hands the dip to Tori.

"Yeah, he did. Good job, Goomy." Dice proclaims, and then leans close to Tori. "Don't let anyone eat the dip."

"Understood." Tori winks, carrying it to the kitchen counter. I turn to our first guests.

"Hey guys! So make yourselves at h-" I start, but I'm interrupted by an explosive shout from outside.

"**PARTY!**"

"What the…" Tori gapes just as a mass of people flood into the apartment. And I mean a _mass_. The living room is packed within a few seconds, and the place is filled with loud blabbering from every direction. I can only make out parts of it.

"Ohh, chips!"

"Let's pump the music!"

"Where's my boyfriend?!"

"I ordered a keg!"

"**Tori**!" I scream. I watch her shove through the crowd to get to me and once she reaches me, she grasps me carefully by the elbows with a look of confusion and concern. "I though you said nobody joined the gang!"

"Nobody did! I don't know who any of these people are! I didn't invite them. Word of the party must've gotten out." Tori chews on her lip nervously. We both turn to look at Dice and Goomer. Goomer is goofily and absent-mindedly bobbing his head to the now pounding music while Dice gives us a nervous look.

"Dice…" I glare.

"Okay, I may have mentioned there was a party here I was going to tonight. To a couple people. I didn't think this would happen!" Dice whines.

"You can't go telling people about a party! Word spreads fast in this town… especially in your business… did you happen to mention it to some of your patrons?" I groan. He darts his eyes from side to side.

"Uh…" Dice stalls. "I'm a kid! I don't know any better!"

"You can't use that excuse anymore! You hit puberty!" I huff.

"Damnit, puberty…" Dice grumbles. "I'm sorry, okay? Can we fix it?"

"I'll try…" Tori sighs, and she pushes back some more partiers before I see her stand up on the coffee table. "**Alright everyone. I know you're excited but this party is cancelled. Everybody out!**"

Nobody around even seems to pay attention to her.

"I don't think they hear her." Dice comments.

"Hear what?" Goomer asks.

"Exactly." Dice huffs. I watch Tori grow a bit more frustrated as she cups her hands around her mouth.

"**Hey! I said-**"

Tori doesn't get to finish her demand as a large group of who seem to be drunk college frat boys barrel through the door. They roughly push past us and I get knocked down, losing sight of Dice and Goomer. I stand up and look at the coffee table just as the college guys stampede over it. Tori is nowhere to be seen, either.

"Tori!" I scream out, but it's drowned out by the chants of 'twenty-fifteen!' started by the frat group.

Oh no. It's just like The Lion King during the part with the wildebeests.

I try to push through to find my friends, and I notice the TV was turned on. It looks like the New Year's Eve in Times Square… I loved watching that every year. It was always a great way to start off a new year… except I don't remember watching it last year, and 2014 never started for me. Now it's people bringing in 2015.

I feel sick again.

"Cat." I barely hear over the crowd, and a hand on my shoulder. I turn around quickly, hoping to see Tori. I don't but I see the next best thing.

"Beck!" I cheer, leaping on him with a hug.

"H-Hey! Nice to see you too." Beck gives me a tight hug back. A familiar face is wonderful right now. "I thought this was supposed to a small get together."

"It was, but…" I stop, staring at his face and pointing. "You have a goatee!"

He looks confused for a moment. "Wow, Tori was right. You really don't remember much. Yeah, I'm working on it." Beck strokes his chin. "Jade keeps making me shave it but I'm hoping I can let it grow in more this time."

Normally, I'd be fine with it. But right now, I'm already feeling frustrated about not remembering so much, so I throw my hands up in the hair.

"People need to stop growing hair and body parts and… and… relationships! Geez! Can't anybody stay the same for one year?!" I groan. Beck holds up his hands in defense and gives me a pitied look.

"Whoa! Okay, I get it. I guess I'll be shaving this one, too." Beck sighs. I instantly feel guilty. It's just a goatee.

"No, it's okay. I'm sorry. You don't have to shave anything." I express. He tilts his head, his face scrunched into a look of concentration.

"What?! What'd you say?" He questions. Someone turned up the music.

"I said, you don't have to shave it!" I shout. "Is Jade here?"

"Wh- …th-…C-…it's so-…-ow are-…" Beck's voice is almost completely drowned out.

"I'm sorry I can't understand you!" I huff. He again gives me a look of confusion. I let out a growl and am about to try again, but I see something starting to fly through the air behind Beck's head. I squint my eyes and I recognize the object. It's the light-up & sign that sits above the cupboards in the kitchen! And people are just tossing it around like it's a hot potato! "Hey!"

I push passed a confused Beck and jump in front the & sign, catching it.

"This is not a toy! It's a set piece from my favourite TV show!" I scold. The people who were playing with it give me a confused and annoyed look. I roll my eyes and head through the crowd to the closet, placing the sign safely in there. I close it and turn around. My apartment has turned into a zoo. "My neighbours are going to kill me…" I mutter.

And I lost Beck. Chiz. It might take forever to find him again. At least I'm able to make my way to the stereo system and turn the music down a bit.

"Ugh, what was in that dip…" I hear a kid moan as he runs passed me. He didn't look well. He better make it outside if he's going to puke!

"Hey Cat! Cool party!" Another voice calls to me. Thank god, someone else I know…

Except, I don't know them. She's a girl about my age. They look slightly familiar, like someone I've seen around school, but I don't know them personally.

"Uh…" I tilt my head.

"Actually I'm glad I ran into you. I want to talk about our final biology project…" She starts. I shake my head.

"I'm sorry, what?" I question.

"Our… biology class? We're partners?" She blinks. I bite my lip. Right. Of course I don't remember her. _Of course_.

"Yeah, yeah sure… Um… what's your name again?" I ask. She stares at me.

"Wow, you must be really drunk. I mean, it's fine, I just didn't think you were the type." She comments.

Great, now I'm apparently drunk. I might as well be, since I'm so _confused_ about **everything**!

Actually, I know I didn't drink anything, but I feel pretty woozy. Everything's starting to get blurring both from the tears forming in my eyes and the crushing sense of being overwhelmed. I know at this rate I'm going to pass out, and I know passing out at a party of this magnitude is not a good idea!

"Excuse me." I squeak out, pushing by the unknown girl and a sea of people wearing 2015 merchandise. I need to get away from this. I thought I was coping so well. I was keeping together. But this is too much… how can I really expect to function normally in a population that knows what I've forgotten?

Feeling wobbly, I make it down my hallway to my room. My door is wide open, and there's a couple kids in there. They look like they're about to light up a glass thing.

"Get _out_, please!" I screech. They give me a scared look before rushing out the door. I'm not usually that intimidating, but I recognized some of them from around the neighbourhood. They probably didn't want to mess with Sam if I told her about them.

I slam the door behind me and just collapse on the floor next to my bed. I could've made it to my bed, but the air just seems cooler down here. I need to breathe in some cool air. Just breathe…

In and out…

Forget that you forgot…

Forget that there was even a 2014.

2014 doesn't matter.

From here on out is what matters.

I start to feel a bit better. I feel less woozy, my vision less blurry, but I stay glued to the ground. I don't want to move until morning. I'll deal with the sore neck later. I just want to ignore the festivities and crawl under my bed…

What's that under my bed?

There's some sort of small black box under my bed. Another thing I don't remember. I know I'm already overwhelmed so I should just forget it for now… but my curiosity gets the better of me. Especially since there's some sort of label on top of the box.

I slide it out and look at the label. It makes me freeze, not even able to breathe for a moment.

_Merry Christmas to my beautiful Tori_

_Love, Cat_

This must be… the Christmas present I got Tori before I lost my memories. I bite my lip. It's probably better to ignore it… I'm trying so hard to put this behind me… but it's just a Christmas present. A peek into what the past me got for Tori wouldn't hurt.

I lift the box lid, and I see a USB stick sitting on a fluffy bed of cotton. Again, I bite my lip. So, it won't hurt to just plug this in and see what comes up…

I quickly get my laptop and again sit down on the ground against my bed. I plug it in and open the file – a file simply named 'CHRISTMAS'. It's a video.

Except it's more than just a video. This is a piece… a piece of my forgotten past that I have the opportunity to relive. It's scary, but it's also too tempting to pass up. So, I press play.

I watch myself sit in front of the camera in the video. It's on this bed, right here. I look nervous in the video, but not a bad nervous. Like a giddy nervous.

"Hey Tor! If you're watching this, it must be Christmas! Yay! Or maybe you snooped, in which case, boo." Video-me pouts. "But I'm usually the one who snoops, not you, so it should be fine! Anyway, it's not Christmas now. It's a couple days beforehand and… to be honest, I had no idea what to get you. I love giving gifts, but I couldn't figure out exactly… what would be able to say enough." Video-me tilts her head. "You know?"

Video-me pauses, biting her lip and thinking hard. So, I filmed this a few days before… everything. I look fine. Perfectly fine. Better than fine. I look… really happy.

"Like…" Video-me continues, "Like something that can really say… how much you mean to me. Something from the heart. Something to really capture how I'd do anything for you. Anything." Video-me seems serious and deep in thought for a moment before a small, affectionate smile appears on her face. "Then I remembered how much you love it when I sing to you."

She, or I, look to the side shyly with a blush on my face, and I look like I'm remembering something extremely pleasant. A memory that would be a shame to forget.

"So I decided to record a medley of my favourite love songs for you. That way, if I'm not around for… whatever reason, and you feel alone or stressed, you can listen to it and… I hope it says enough." I smile into the camera. "Merry Christmas, my love."

There's a cut in the footage, and then I'm singing. Most of the songs I know, and they are my favourite. Others I don't know, but I guess are new and became my favourites. Others I recognize and must have grown in meaning for me over the last year. My voice sounds pure and powerful, and the mash-up of songs is actually really well done… I'm impressed with myself.

But what I'm most focused on is my face. My eyes are glued to my expressions as I sing. The deep, unfathomable emotions I seem to be expressing through the songs… it's so profound. So… touching. I can't even imagine feeling what this person in the video was feeling as she sings her heart out for her girlfriend. But it's me. I felt these things. I felt these things not too long ago. And it's clear the feelings meant everything.

"I love you so, so much Tori. I always will. I promise."

Video-me blows a kiss at the camera, and then it ends.

I definitely can't show Tori this. This would rip her heart out and stomp on it, especially since I made a promise at the end to always love her. I don't mean friendship love. I mean the love that makes you sing all your favourite songs and they become more than just words with a melody.

I can't keep that promise, but I can do something. I can acknowledge my relationship with Tori – not push it aside like it never happened. I feel like I owe it to the girl in the video – to myself. And to Tori. Our relationship was the most important thing in the world to us. To just forget about it would be… it'd be too sad.

I slam my laptop closed when the door opens. Tori stumbles in, looking dishevelled, but she sighs in relief when she sees me. The music of the party muffles once again when she closes the door behind her.

"There you are. I was so worried." Tori mumbles.

"I was worried about you, too! You disappeared." I frown. Tori sits down beside me.

"You can thank the fraternity for that. One of them grabbed me and carried me outside. They wanted me to play flip cup. Took me forever to get away." Tori huffs, and then looks at me with concern. "You okay?"

"Um, it was rough for a while there. But I feel okay now." I assure her. I should feel more messed up after seeing myself experience something I forgot, but instead I just feel curious. Curious about the girl who made me so happy and giddy.

"I'm sorry. I never meant for this to happen." Tori mutters. "I'd understand if you want to be alone. I can go try to contain the party and come check on you every so often."

"No." I shake my head, and then I surprise her a bit by cuddling into her side. "If there's anyone I want with me tonight, it's you."

She tentatively puts her arm around me. "Alright. If that's what you want." Tori coos. I want to remember. I want to remember that feeling. It's not there, but I know it used to be. It's a hole in my heart now. But my body still remembers what my mind forgets, and I still feel content cuddled up to her. I'll take it. And I'll take what she remembers, too.

"Tori… can you tell me how we got together?" I request. Tori freezes, her body tense. Her head turns stiffly towards me.

"Wh-what?" She gapes. "You want to know?"

"Yeah." I close my eyes, enjoying the rhythm of her breathing against my cheek. Enjoying it and not comprehending why. Weirdest disconnect ever.

"But… I thought you wanted to move on from it. Pretend it never happened. What changed your mind?" Tori questions. I pull away from her, trying to sort my thoughts. I can't show her the video because it can't cause anything but pain, but I don't know what to tell her other than… it feels right this way.

I think I figure out a way to explain.

"You mean a lot to me." I state, licking my lip slightly and trying to keep my thoughts in order. "A lot. And that's now. Right now. And I know now… that you meant even more to me." I express, taking her hand. "I… I still don't remember how I felt. But knowing you were so important to me, to each other…" I look deep into her glossy eyes, "That's something worth remembering."

"Cat…" Tori chokes.

"I want to take it slow, like with everything… but I want to learn more about what we had. If nothing else, we can share that. If that's okay." I whisper. A tear runs down Tori's cheek.

"Yes." She breathes.

"Good." I squeeze her hand. "So tell me."

"Um, okay. Right." Tori quickly wipes her eyes on her sleeve, pulling herself together. "So I can't really tell you a series of events that led to us falling for each other. If anyone asked either of us how it happened, neither of us knew. It just kind of happened." She sighs.

"It was out of nowhere?" I inquire.

"Pretty much." Tori nods. "The reason I freaked out when you said your memories stopped at last November is because I knew you didn't have feelings for me anymore. I knew because I was in the exact same spot as you last November. I just thought of you as a friend. A good friend, but that's it."

"So what happened to change that?" I question. She shrugs.

"Like I said, I couldn't tell you. Neither could you, if you could remember. It was always kind of a mystery." She smiles slightly. "But it's not like we ever complained."

"Well obviously there was some sort of moment where we were like, hey, I like you." I note.

"Right. Which brings us to last Christmas break. All of our friends were out doing other things, on trips and whatnot. We were still here, though. So, we hung out a lot. A lot. We were basically attached at the hip. Day in, day out. Just hanging out, very innocent. Sometimes your place, sometimes my place." Tori recalls.

"Uh huh. And then?" I interrogate, interested. She smiles, a blush on her face and a far off look in her eyes.

"And then it snowed." Tori whispers, looking at me. "December 13th. Snow in California."

"No way." I gawk. She chuckles softly.

"That was exactly your reaction back then. You ran to my back door and looked through the window. I looked with you. We watched the snow together." She starts fiddling with the hem of her jeans. "And then we started watching each other…" She trails off, taking a deep breath. "And then it was just like… somebody lit a spark. I don't know. Nobody leaned first. We argued about that once, but we decided it was mutual. We kissed." She admits.

"Oh. Wow." I stare, trying to imagine it.

"Sorry. Too much?" Tori asks cautiously.

"No. Tell me more." I request. Her mouth twitches to a smile. I can tell she likes reliving it.

"And then I was crazy about you. Seriously went from 0 to 100 in a single moment. And you were crazy about me, or so you said." She smirks.

"I'm sure I was." I smile, and she giggles with a blush.

"Um… yeah…" Tori mumbles, embarrassed. "It was just so sudden we tried to fight it… for like a day. You can't fight something that strong. That need to be more than what we had already been." She muses. "We made it official."

"Whoa… so we've actually been dating for _more_ than a year!" I gasp.

"Yeah, had our year anniversary on the 14th. Just a couple weeks ago… best year of my life…" Tori sighs, bowing her head and looking sentimental… and sad.

"I'm sorry." I mutter.

"No, you gave that to me, Cat. Never be sorry for that." Tori murmurs. "I'm sad that it's gone, but I'm happy it happened. I'd never regret what I had with you. I'll always enjoy looking back on it."

"Well, we can look back on it more. Together." I promise. "But I think that's enough for tonight."

"Agreed." Tori nods. "I'm pretty tired. Those frats wore me out. I'm not too interested in waiting up for the new year. Want to head to bed?"

"Yeah, but not yet." I state, and then I snuggle back into her side. I don't actually intend to move. I don't want her to go to Sam's bed and have me on the other side, longing for moments like snow in California. So I'm going to stay and sleep here with her tonight.

"Okay." Tori murmurs, pulling me close.

Because I loved this girl deeply once. And just like she made a promise to be there for me, I made a promise to always love her.

And I'm keeping that to the best of my abilities.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes: This is probably my favourite chapter of the story so far... Little bit of some humour, little bit of angst, little bit of fluff... Cat's going against Dr. Faheem's advice from last chapter and indulging in the parts of her life she doesn't remember. Will this work out well for both of them? Who knows... (Spoiler: I knows). <strong>

**PS, Dice and Goomer were way more fun to write than I thought they'd be. I mean, this was my first attempt at writing them and I feel like I know them far less than the Victorious gang, but I think it worked out pretty well. I guess that's the great thing about taking such fascinating characters and writing dialogue for them. Good job, Dan. Also, let me know what you thought of this one!**

**Fun Fact: I got the name of the story because of this chapter. I planned that line and then I was like, hey, that'd be a good story title. And thus, Something Worth Remembering was born.**


	6. Sparks Fly

**Disclaimer: **我沒有自己的勝利

* * *

><p>I thought that the worst outcome from sleeping with Tori on the floor would be a bit of a stiff back, that's all. I didn't expect Tori's father of all people to wake us up.<p>

"Cat. Tori." He said gruffly.

"Dad…? Dad!" Tori yelped, standing up quickly and causing me to flop to the ground. What a rude awakening.

"Mr. Vega?" I rubbed my eyes tiredly, "How'd you get into my house?"

"How did all those other people get into the house? We got several noise complaints from the neighbours!" He grumbled. "Tori, I thought you told me this was going to be a small get together."

"It was. It just… got away from us." Tori yawned. Mr. Vega let out a sigh.

"Well, I'm glad I didn't find you two partaking it some of those party activities." He mumbled. "Why you two would decide to sleep while people were wreaking havoc in the living room is beyond me. Oh well. It's all cleared out now."

"Thanks, Mr. Vega." I expressed. What if they had never left? Sam is enough of a handful as a roommate.

Mr. Vega looks at me, features softening. "Cat, I haven't seen you since…" He trailed off, crossing his arms. "How are you?"

"I'm doing okay." I replied. I wish there weren't so many people wondering how I am. "Tori's been a big help."

"I'm sure she has." Mr. Vega glanced over at Tori. She averted her eyes from him, and Mr. Vega looked back at me. "Cat, may I talk to you privately for a moment?"

Tori's head snapped up to look to her father. "What? What do you need to talk to her about that you can't say in front of me?"

"Relax, Tori. I just want to have a bit of a discussion." Mr. Vega assured her. Tori just looked at him with a glare.

"There's nothing you can discuss with her that you can't discuss in front of-"

"Tori, it's okay." I promised her.

Her cold exterior melted away, but she still looked suspicious. "Okay. I'll just… head to the bathroom." She muttered, stalking out of the room. Mr. Vega peaked out of the room for a moment before approaching me again.

"Had to check that she really left. I know my daughter likes to eaves drop." He sighed. "Cat, you will always be very special to the Vega family, especially since you're special to Tori. However, I'm aware… that it is much more one sided than it used to be."

"I know." I mumbled, tugging at my sleeve. "I still care for her, though. I swear."

"That's good to hear." He nodded. "Because I worry about what this is doing to her."

"Me too." I sighed. "But she wants to be here."

"I know. I've tried to convince her to take some space, but she won't." Mr. Vega looked off to the side, contemplating. "I really can't dictate what she can and can't do since she really might be the best thing for you right now. I know you've been through a lot. I care about you, too." He took a deep breath. "So that's why it's up to you to make sure my daughter doesn't end up broken."

"I'm trying." I whimpered. I really am.

"Well, it worries me even more when I come in here and see you two curled up together. I get you've always been affectionate, but-"

"But it hurts her. I know. Believe me, I know." I hugged myself tightly. I was trying to do what I thought was best for Tori in that moment. Maybe I was wrong. "I'm trying to figure it out."

"Please figure it out soon. I know you already have a lot going on, but," He paused, looking pained. "You didn't see her at Christmas. How distraught she was. A shell of herself. I was worried that was her breaking point right there. But she picked herself up again, probably for you. You're both her saving grace and her downfall."

"What should I do?" I trembled.

"Is there a chance you could rekindle what you had?" He asked. I looked at the ground, pondering.

"I… don't know." I answered honestly.

"Then the best thing you can do is not get her hopes up. Don't let her believe you can fall in love with her again if there's a chance you won't. I don't… I don't want to see what will happen to her when she discovers you won't." He breathed.

"I'll try." I whispered.

"Alright." Mr. Vega concluded, patting me on the arm. "Take care of my daughter… and yourself."

"Yes, sir." I nodded, and he smiled. He went to the door and called Tori to come back, gave her a hug, and then left. Tori immediately looked at me in curiosity.

"So… are you going to tell me what you talked about?" She inquired.

"Um… remember when my mom pulled you aside to talk to you? About how she doesn't want me to get hurt?" I recalled.

"Yes…"

"Same kind of thing." I sighed. Tori stood silently for a moment before nodding slowly.

"I'll be okay." Tori said softly. I bit my lip uneasily.

"I hope so." I mumbled. "I still want to learn about what we had, though."

"And I still want to share it." Tori agreed. "Cat, I'm strong. I'm not going become a shattered, destroyed person because you don't love me anymore."

I bit back the urge to say 'but I _do _love you', because I know it's not in the way she wants to hear. I know that's exactly what her dad meant by keeping her hopes up.

"I'll hold you to that." I breathed. "That's a more important promise than the one you made about being here for me. Okay?"

"Okay." Tori mumbled, but I had a feeling she wouldn't hold it as high of a priority. Tori… "We should get back to bed. We'll clean up in the morning."

"That'll be fun." I grimaced, thinking about what the partiers might've left behind.

Against my better judgement, I let her sleep in Sam's bed while I slept in mine. I'm supposed to love her forever, but how do I keep a promise that might just end up destroying her if she can't keep her promise about being okay?

I should probably bring up these issues with Dr. Faheem, but I feel like I'm disobeying him by indulging in something from what I don't remember, aka my relationship with Tori. Instead, I talk about a more immediate issue… Going back to school.

I'm at my appointment now, and we have school tomorrow, which is radically stressing me out.

"Who at school is going to know about your incident?" He asks me patiently. I just spent the last however long ranting about what it feels like to go back to school after everything. Non-stop. I don't even think I breathed. But he just sat there patiently, listening. Did I mention his beard has changed? It's like, a giant swirl today.

"Um, all of my teachers have been contacted that I had an accident and lost my memory. It means a lot of catch-up for me." I mumble. "But we've only told the guidance counsellor about what the accident was. It's not because I'm ashamed, it's just… I want to keep something like that private. Need-to-know basis."

"Of course, Cat. Nobody needs to know who doesn't need to know." Dr. Faheem smiles gently. "Any changes in memory?"

"No, it's just the black pit of nothingness it's always been." I sigh. He nods slowly.

"Don't worry, Cat. We'll start tackling techniques to help you maybe access your memories at a later date." He promises. I give him an uneasy look.

"Is that safe?" I mutter.

"We're hoping to accomplish this in the safest way possible. There's a way of associating with happier things to unlock happier memories, rather than sad ones. But we'll get into that later." Dr. Faheem assures me.

"Okay." I sigh. I must have a worried look on my face, because he softens up even more… if that's possible.

"Let's just work on right now. Take it one step at a time." He states, leaning back and jotting down some notes. "You still have people to help with your adjustment at school? Who was it… um…" He flips back a page, "Tori?"

I take a deep breath. "Yes. Tori's been helping me prepare and updating me on my classes. It's too bad she only had two classes with me this semester, but I have other friends in the other two that can catch me up. They've been too busy to see me so far, though." I frown. Tori is in my advanced acting class and biology class – apparently biology is that class with the girl who came up to me during the New Year's party. Tori said she's nice, although now she thinks I'm a crazy party girl.

"It won't take too long to catch up, I'm positive." Dr. Faheem smiles. "Just take it at your own pace. Let Tori know if you're feeling overwhelmed."

"Oh, believe me. Tori won't let me get overwhelmed." I confirm, and then add, "She's not Jade…"

He raises his eyebrow a moment at the mention of Jade, but he seems to put it aside for a moment as he leans forward carefully, resting his elbows on the smooth wood of his desk. "You've mentioned before how Tori has been a big help, but you also mention how things have become complicated. How is that?"

I slump back in my chair, blowing out the top of my mouth in exasperation at the thought. "Still complicated." I admit. I don't really want to talk about Tori. He seems to sense that, and his face twists in thought as he carefully chooses his next words.

"Cat, your recovery is most important right now." He starts.

"Yeah…" I nod.

"I know Tori is a large help, but is there any chance these complications may be a hindrance to your recovery?" He questions gently. I quickly look at my lap and bite my lip, fiddling with my hands and nervously twisting my feet.

"Honestly… Doctor… I'm more worried about hurting her than how she could hurt me." I whisper. Silence hangs in the room for a moment as he absorbs what I said. Eventually, he lets out a sigh.

"Again, your recovery is most important." He states. Another moment of silence, and then he checks his watch. "Well, it looks like your time is up."

I let out a breath of relief. It's not that I don't like talking to Dr. Faheem, it's just… I didn't like where the conversation was going. "Already?" I ask.

"Yes. We're done for today." He nods. "Next week you can tell me about your transition back to school."

"Okay! Thank you, Dr. Faheem!" I exclaim, getting up and grabbing my bag. I do think he called it off a little early, but I guess he's giving me some breathing room, since I'm probably going to have to talk to him about Tori at some point, and I'm not ready. He has a really good read on people. I guess that's why he has the job that he does. "See you next week!" I call out, hand on the door knob.

"When even your mind is blind, the heart can shine the light that will dispel the darkness and bring clarity to the soul once again." Dr. Faheem recites. I pause, turning to look at him.

"Sorry?" I question, tilting my head.

"Ah, nothing. Merely one of my favourite quotes. Gooday to you, Cat." He nods.

"Um, okay. Bye!" I close the door behind me after I walk out. He seems really nice and his beard is amazing, but sometimes his words make my head spin.

Tori is waiting for me outside the office just like last time. She shoots me a smile when she sees me.

"Hey! How'd the session go?" She asks.

"Good. Encouraging… I think I'm ready to face school now." I nod. "As… long as you have my back, right?"

"Right." Tori promises. "And you are ready. Just as soon as we finish up reviewing your last semester…"

"But Tori! That sounds boring." I pout. "Can't we just, like… play Rap Attack?"

"As fun as that sounds, we should probably be responsible." Tori chuckles. She heads toward the entrance and I let out a huff, flopping my arms to the side.

"Can we at least rap the review work?" I whine, and Tori lets out a laugh that carries back to me.

"Oh, Cat…"

* * *

><p>"Tori…" I whisper. She leans to the side, closer to me.<p>

"Uh huh?"

"There's a bunch of people here I don't know… short people…" I gawk.

"Those are the freshmen." She informs me.

"Wh-what? Why are they all so short?" I blink.

"I don't know. But yes, as seniors we did find the freshmen a little on the short side." Tori explains, heading to her locker. I furrow my brow, looking over the faces of my peers – both familiar and unfamiliar. Some of them glance in my direction but look away nonchalantly. Good. Nobody seems to know what happened to me. So none of my friends told… Not that I thought they did, but it's good to confirm.

"We were never that short." I state. I mean, I know I'm short in general, but come on!

"Maybe we were." Tori shrugs, grabbing some books.

"No way." I scoff, rubbing my arm. "Okay, I think that's enough for today. Time to go home." I proclaim. Tori turns to me, hugging her books to her with a smirk on her face.

"Normally I'd take any mention of you feeling overwhelmed seriously, but I think _somebody_ wants to get out of school work." Tori accuses. Wazz. She knows me too well.

"School work is very overwhelming." I mumble.

"It is for us all." Tori smiles sadly. She shifts her books into one arm, placing her free hand gently on my shoulder. "Seriously, though… If you need any support or need to take a break _for real_… Just let me know."

"Kay, kay." I nod. I'm glad I'll have Tori with me through most of the day, but Jade and Andre are apparently in my other classes. I'm excited to see all my friends.

"Hi, Cat!" A bespectacled boys jumps out at us.

Okay, maybe not excited to see **all** of my friends.

"Hi, Sinjin…" Tori sighs. Sinjin stares at me intensely, studying me. I watch him, confused, as he pulls out a note pad.

"So, you've lost your memory, correct?" Sinjin questions. My jaw drops. So much for nobody finding out…

"Sinjin… is that really appropriate?" Tori huffs. Sinjin slowly looks at her. He seems to falter a bit before pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

"There is no time for social pleasantries when there's science afoot!" He argues, turning back to me. "What's the last thing you remember?"

"Uh… I don't know?" I blink rapidly.

"Have you experienced any tunnel vision? Aura?" He interrogates further, jotting down some notes.

"What are those?" I question.

"Intriguing…" He scribbles something else down. "How about vague flashbacks? Vivid dreams?"

"Okay, that's enough." Tori slightly shoves him. "Take your data gathering somewhere else."

Sinjin pauses a moment before side-stepping towards Tori. "Can I at least have a lock of your hair?"

"My hair…? Ugh! Sinjin, I am so close to punching you and not feeling bad about it!" Tori glowers.

"Subject is exhibiting Jade-like tendencies! Abort, abort!" Sinjin exclaims, leaping away and around the corner. Tori shakes her head.

"He hasn't changed…" I mumble.

"Unfortunately. Same old, creepy Sinjin." Tori notes. "At least he's harmless. Or, I think he is. He seems like the kind of guy to experiment on rats in his free time. He's harmless unless you're a rat."

"Good thing I'm not a rat…" I sigh. "Speaking of a rat, who blabbed about my memory?"

"Some of the gang might've spread it around. It's probably easier for people to know rather than expecting you to remember things that you can't." Tori explains.

"I guess that's true." I shift slightly.

"Hey, they wouldn't tell more than that. I promise." Tori assures me.

"Kay, kay." I mutter. People knowing about my memory is fine, I just… really don't want people to know _how_ I lost it. Tori looks up when the warning bell goes off overhead.

"Come on, we don't have a lot of time before class. Let's head to your locker." Tori states.

"My locker hasn't changed, right?" I ask, skipping after her.

"No, silly. Why would any of our lockers change?" Tori chuckles. I see her instinctively reach for my hand, but she quickly retracts her arm when she realizes what she's doing. Her fingers curl into a clenched fist, and for a moment she seems like she's going to apologize. Instead, she bites her lip and turns away, a moment of pain flashing through her face. I continue to follow her, a sad look on mine. I still don't know how to fix this, or if I even can.

* * *

><p>I'm currently in my music history class, and we're supposed to be working on a project where we mash-up and remix music together all the way from the Baroque period up until now. I had it a quarter way done before I lost my memory, but luckily I have Andre to help me with the rest.<p>

"I don't even know why I'm helping you." Andre scoffs. I gasp at him.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I pout, and he shakes his head.

"It means you don't even need the help. You just found a way to transition from Romantic to 20th century music flawlessly all on your own. I know Tori wanted me to stick close and help you, but clearly you losing your memory hasn't affected your ability to kick ass." Andre smiles, and I smile back.

"Thanks, Andre!" I gush. After being so worried about how school would go, it's nice to hear I'm fitting in well. Andre hasn't changed a bit, either. No goatees, no height differences, no relationships… it's refreshing.

His smile falls after a moment, and he grows serious. "How s Tori?" He asks. I shift slightly, feeling my jaw clench tight.

"I… I don't know." I mutter. But I do know, sort of. I know because of my power to read her like a book. The power I picked up while I was dating her. She's hurting, even when it looks like she isn't.

"Sorry, I don't mean to get involved in your relationship, or… lack thereof." Andre sighs. "But I'm worried. After Tori told me what you forgot… She's been pretty distant. I think she's not really facing how she feels about all this."

"Yeah… Well she seems to be keeping herself busy with, you know, me." I ponder. "Not exactly the best way to have some time to reflect."

"Not saying you're a burden or anything, Lil Red. I know how much Tori wants to be there for you, and how much you um… need the support," He eyes me carefully, "But she needs a vacation."

"Agreed." I nod. "Maybe… after Sam comes back, she can watch me for a night, and you guys can take Tori out and have some fun. I think that'd be good for her."

"I think so, too." Andre smiles. "Buffalo nuggets at Karaoke Dokie, candy poker, maybe we can lock ourselves in an RV again…"

"Hey, don't have too much fun without me." I grin. He chuckles and gives me a one-armed hug.

"Of course not. You're still part of the gang." He assures me. Good. I'm glad what happened between me and Tori won't cause a rift in the group. The bell rings to end the period, and Andre packs up. "See you down at the asphalt café?"

"See you, Andre!" I express, closing down the music mixing program. I head to my locker, feeling pretty good about my day so far. Thanks to Tori's prep, I haven't been feeling overwhelmed. It just feels like a new semester started. And thankfully, no one other than Sinjin has questioned me about my memory loss. What was I so worried about?

As I'm heading back to the lobby to meet with Tori so we can go to lunch, I spot the final familiar face I've been wanting to see.

"Robbie!" I jump on him from behind with a hug. He stiffens until I let go, and then he turns around with a shocked look on his face. No Rex with him, but that's a welcomed change. I hope he gave up Rex for good at some point last year…

"C-Cat?" He stutters.

"Yep! That's me. Hi!" I grin. He seems at a loss for words for a moment.

"So… So it's true… You really lost your memory…" He breathes. I tilt my head slightly.

"Well… yeah. Didn't any of the guys tell you?" I question. He seems to ignore my question, staring at the ground and shaking his head.

"No… this… this isn't what I wanted…" He mutters. Now I'm really confused.

"Wanted what? What? Robbie?" I furrow my brow. He looks back up at me, lower jaw trembling in what seems to be shock.

"Cat!" Tori rushes to my side and takes my arm, pushing close. She turns to glare at Robbie. "Move along, Robbie."

Robbie gives us a blank stare before stalking away. I can't believe that just happened. Why would Tori be so mean to Robbie?

"What was that all about?" I ask. Tori lets go of my arm, sighing.

"Sorry, I… Chiz. I let you down again." She mumbles, shaking her head. She takes a deep breath. "Robbie isn't really… part of the gang anymore."

I gawk at her. "What? How? Why not?" I interrogate. I mean, I know Robbie could be a little… quirky. But so could I! What happened that would kick him out of the group?

"Cat… Listen…" Tori rests her back against the wall, biting her lip. "After we got together, Robbie took it… badly."

Again, I furrow my brow. My face is going to get stuck like this soon. "I know he had a crush on me, but it was just a crush. How bad could he have reacted?" I question.

"Bad. Really bad. He… said some things to you that he can't take back. To both of us." Tori recalls. "We all thought he'd get over it, but he didn't. Everyone tried to talk to him but it was like all he could see was red. It got… more and more abusive to the point where we couldn't hang out with him anymore. It even started to feel… unsafe." She admits.

"No… Robbie wouldn't… He wouldn't…" I breathe.

"Cat, I'm sorry. I know how much it upset you to lose him back then and now I just… let it blind-side you. I should've told you." Tori sighs.

"Yeah, you should've." Jade saunters over from somewhere nearby. I guess she saw the whole interaction. "Still withholding information, Vega? Or do I have to tell Cat _everything_?"

"No, I'm not…" Tori gapes, turning to me. "Cat, I swear I'm not withholding anything. It's just, with Robbie-"

"Pretty important detail that she doesn't talk to one of her best friends anymore, don't you think? You're not protecting her by keeping these things from her, you know." Jade raises her eyebrow.

"It's not like that!" Tori huffs, head in her hands. "It honestly slipped my mind!"

"Slipped your mind?" I stare at her. "How can something like that slip your mind?"

"Cat… I told you how awful he was to us. To you." Tori mutters darkly. "After everything he did, Robbie basically didn't exist to us anymore. I actually forced it out of my mind because every time I thought about what he said to you, I'd…" She starts shaking, and I place a hand on her arm.

"Tori…" I whisper. I can't believe Robbie of all people would cause such an intense reaction, but seeing Tori like this… it's hard not to believe that he really was as awful as she says.

"Jade, you remember." Tori shudders.

"I do. I wanted to punch him more than a few times. And rip his ears off." Jade states. "But if you insist on taking responsibility for Cat's recovery, then you actually have to _commit_. You can't allow slip ups like this."

"I know." Tori whimpers.

"What would've happened if, while Cat was talking to him just now, Robbie started hurling the same insults and she didn't know why? That could've been emotionally crippling!" Jade snaps.

"I **know**!" Tori shouts. "I know, okay? I'm sorry, Cat. I… I screwed up." Tori chokes, the palm of her hand smacking against the wall before she stiffly heads to her locker.

"Jade… don't be so hard on her. You said it yourself. She's suffering from this, too. I can't expect her to be perfect." I mutter.

"Hey, your recovery is most important here." Jade shrugs, repeating what Dr. Faheem said. "If she lets her personal feelings get in the way of that, then she's clearly not the person who should be looking after you."

"But-" I watch Tori sadly as she approaches her locker. I really, really want to have Tori around but… Maybe our arrangement is bad for both of us.

And then I see sparks fly.

No, not romantic 'I see Tori in a new light' sparks. **Actual** sparks. As soon as Tori touched the handle of her locker, there was a bright flash and a stream of white-hot particles erupted from her locker. Tori crumples to the ground.

"**Tori**!" I screech, rushing towards her, but Jade holds me back. "Jade! Let me go! Tori's hurt!"

"It's too dangerous!" Jade snarls. She turns and snatches a trombone from a nearby student and thrusts it against the switch on the locker so hard, the metal dents. The flickering 'Make It Shine' sign shuts off, and the sparks stop. As I rush to Tori's side, the sprinklers kick in at full force, drenching everyone in the hall within seconds. About time.

"Tori, Tori are you okay?" I ask frantically. For a moment I'm worried she was knocked unconscious, but she looks up at me, wincing.

"Yeah, I – ow." Tori flinches, cradling her arm. I gasp when I take a closer look.

"Tori, your arm!" I cry. Her sleeve of her shirt is singed by the wrist, and I can see the skin is already starting to blister.

"Oh c'mon. I **just** healed up from my last burn." Tori hisses. That's right… it must hurt even more from the scar tissue.

"Tori, hold your arm out." I order, gently pulling her sleeve away and exposing it to the sprinkler water.

"Augh, that stings." She groans.

"I know, but the water is good for it." I mumble. She looks up at me with soft, affectionate eyes. "What?"

"Last time I burned my wrist, the first thing you did was shove my arm under the sink for like, half an hour." Tori recalls. I look away with a blush.

"Well I… I'd never want you to be in pain." I breathe. A small smile appears on Tori's face and she rests her forehead against the side of my wet hair. I don't blame her. I get cuddly when I'm hurt, too.

"What happened here?" Lane comes storming towards us. He turns to fiddle with something on the wall, and the sprinklers shut off.

"Vega made it shine." Jade smirks.

"It wasn't my fault." Tori scoffs, leaning off me. "My locker just kind of… exploded."

Lane takes a close look at her locker, dented and burned. "Looks like a short circuit. Are you okay?" He questions, leaning down to us.

"Yeah. Just got my arm caught in the… exploding." Tori winces as she shows Lane her wrist. He inspects it carefully.

"It doesn't look too bad, but you should go to emergency to make sure." He instructs.

"I'll take her." Andre pops out of the crowd and helps Tori up. "You okay, Tor?"

"I'm fine, really." Tori sighs, and I stand up with her. She looks over at me. "What about Cat?"

"I'll look after her. Don't you worry." Jade assures her. Tori seems satisfied with this, and she nods.

"I'll meet you back at your apartment when you get home from school." Tori touches my cheek.

"Feel better." I pout, giving her a hug. She gives me a soft smile as she starts to head out with Andre.

"You owe me for getting my hair wet, Vega." Jade glowers, but Tori ignores her as she heads out the door. Jade rolls her eyes, looking at me. "I swear, a dark cloud hangs over your not-girlfriend more than it does with me." She scoffs.

"How did that happen?" I question, looking at the locker. Jade shrugs.

"Dunno. Accidents happen." She says.

"Probably faulty wiring. We might have to implement a protocol about lockers that use electricity." Lane ponders before looking at me. "Cat, how's your first day back going?"

That's right, Lane is one of the only people who knows… the full story. "I'm fine. Tori's the one who's hurt." I frown. Honestly, it hurt me just as much she see her get hurt. When she crumpled to the ground…

My heart stopped.

* * *

><p>"Thanks for dropping me off, Jade." I say quickly, trying to open the passenger door.<p>

"Would you calm down? What's the rush?" Jade drawls.

"I just want to see Tori, make sure she's okay." I state. Why won't this door open?!

"Andre texted us. We know she's fine." Jade sighs.

"I know, but… I still just want to see her." I huff.

"Are you getting feelings for her again?" Jade questions. I pause for a moment.

"No. I don't think… I don't know. It's hard to explain." I sigh. I don't even know what my feelings are towards Tori at this point. "Just- help me get this door open."

Jade clicks her tongue and simply presses the unlock button on her side. "There."

"Oh." I flush." Thanks. Bye."

I rush out and quickly head down to my apartment. I have to take a moment to collect myself. I can't be too doting because I don't want to send her mixed signals. Even Jade thought I was getting my feelings back but… I'm not. I swear I'm not. This isn't a denial thing. I wish I remembered how I felt about Tori, but I don't. I just… care.

Just be a friend, Cat. Be a friend.

I open the door and my heart sinks at the sight. Tori's crying… but it's not from her wound. She's in the middle of an argument.

"You weren't even here." Tori chokes out.

"Yeah, but you were! You were, and look what happened!"

The other person's words seemed to hit Tori across the face, and I'd recognize that aggressive tone anywhere.

Sam's back.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes: They 'bout to throw down... which Sam has an unfair advantage in, since Tori's injured. Although let's be honest, Sam always has the unfair advantage when she fights. She's a beast. Besides that, Cat and Tori are faced with the reality that perhaps they're not good for each other at this point... <strong>

**PSA, I'm spending the next week in Iceland. Yes, Iceland. So I might take a break for a week... Originally I was going to have a chapter ready to post, but then I got sick and I fell behind in writing. So, I think I'm just going to spend the week relaxing. Cool with you? I might blog about my Iceland adventures during the week, though. Keep an eye on my twitter if you're interested in that. Also, let me know what you though of the chapter!**

**Fun Fact: I tried to find a fitting, already existing quote for Dr. Faheem to say about Cat's situation, but I couldn't find one. So I made that one up myself! Am I a philosopher yet?**


	7. Burned

**Disclaimer: Nooow this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down. And I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I'm a fanfiction writer who still doesn't own Victorious.**

* * *

><p>They don't notice that I walked in. I can tell because they're completely transfixed on each other, fists clenched and eyes narrowed. I can practically see the steam erupting from their ears. I start to notice that Tori's tears are from anger, not sadness or pain.<p>

Nona once told me to never try and stop a raging steamroller unless I wanted to become buried and flattened in the dirt in the process. I think this is kind of what she meant by that, so I stand there in the doorway and hope their steam runs out.

"And what about you? You're her roommate! We sent an e-mail after it happened, but we never heard from you. Not one word. I guess Italy was more important-" Tori starts, but Sam quickly cuts her off with some foul language that makes me cringe.

"Bullshit! I had my reasons." Sam glowers, and Tori crosses her arms.

"I'd love to hear them." Tori scoffs.

"Look, I would've contacted Cat sooner, but we ran into some… trouble in Italy. That little nub Neville decided to-" She stops, shaking her head. "Not the point. The point is that on the plane ride here I had to read an e-mail that my roommate and one of my best friends tried to commit suicide and lost a year of memories! I couldn't be here, but like I said, you were. I don't know why this would happen, but I _do_ know that Cat was perfectly fine before I left for Italy!"

"So you're putting all the blame on me?" Tori huffs, another set of tears running down her cheeks.

"You're her _girlfriend_. A little attentiveness on your part would've been nice! It might've prevented all this!" Sam spits.

"Don't you dare. You're the one who always complains about how much attention I **do** give her." Tori mutters. Sam seems to grit her teeth.

"I'm talking about emotional attention. Not just the attention you put between her legs."

Oh geez.

Tori's face burns red, which matches my complexion. Did Sam just suggest that Tori…? Noo… No. Don't be silly.

"Despite what your pervy little mind might think, I assure you that I covered all forms of attention. If Cat was willingly trying to convey how she was feeling… I would've caught it. I know that much." Tori argues. Sam steps forward, her brow crinkled into a menacing scowl.

"Unless, of course, you were deliberately ignoring the signs." She mutters. Tori tenses into a statue, save for the tremble of her jaw when she speaks.

"What the hell are you suggesting?" Tori says stiffly.

"Not suggesting. Just… thinking out loud." Sam ponders, looking at the ceiling thoughtfully. "I've been trying to think what could possibly drive someone like Cat over the edge, and anyone with eyes could see how much you meant to her."

"Don't." Tori croaks, and I notice her tears are becoming less anger-fuelled.

"Perhaps you weren't the saint girlfriend you had us believe you were. Maybe Cat gave you a decent opportunity to take your anger out when the stress of being little miss perfect became too much!" Sam spits. Tori's eyes grow dark, the darkest I've ever seen them, and she storms across the room toward Sam.

"How _**dare**_ you! I would never, **ever** hurt-" Tori stops her venom-filled sentence when she reaches Sam, and Sam catches Tori by the arm. I gasp and take a step forward, reaching out uselessly. They still haven't noticed me.

"What are you going to do? Fight me?" Sam almost laughs, and I watch as Tori doubles back in pain with a wince contorting her face. Oh my god. The burn from the locker. And Sam's grip is really tight.

"Let. Go." Tori trembles out. Sam gives a smug look.

"You're right. You're way too weak to be able to hurt Cat. I don't even think you'd know how to be abusive." Sam comments. "But there are other ways to cause damage. Cat's sensitive, you know? Perhaps you said the wrong thing. Or you were a little neglectful. And there's always the possibility that you just _weren't good enough-_"

"**Sam**!"

Their heads snap toward me. The deep look of hurt digging through Tori's features was enough to make me build up enough courage to break my silence. I hate getting involved in conflict, but I'm not about to let Sam convince Tori of such _lies_.

"Oh holy chiz, Cat." Sam breathes. Tori snatches her arm from Sam, whose grip seemed to relax a lot when she saw me. Sam rushes toward me. "I know I'm not into hugs much, but-" She quickly envelops me in a hug. I tentatively hug her back, but I look over her shoulder at Tori. She watches a moment, tears still streaming down her face, before she stalks down the hallway to the bedroom. I push away from Sam.

"What was that all about?" I question. Sam shakes her head.

"Look, if you tell anyone, you're getting the butter sock, but… I was worried, okay? I want to get to the bottom of this, and some things had to be said." Sam sighs.

"I want to figure out what happened, too. But that doesn't mean I want you yelling at all the people I care about!" I huff. Sam blinks at me.

"Seriously? It's just because _I_ care about _you_! And if Tori wasn't good to you-"

"But you don't know that!" I throw my hands up in the air.

"And you do, Miss. What Year Is It? It's not like you'd remember if she put you in an awful relationship." Sam scoffs. I pause for a moment. She has a point. I don't know…

But no. I may not know all the details of last year, but I know Tori.

"I have a better idea than you do. So, leave Tori alone. The last thing I need is all the people I care about at each other's throats when we could be working together to figure things out. I don't want to play the blaming game!" I argue. She lets out a short laugh.

"Wow. You don't even remember your relationship with her, and you still choose her over me. Cool." Sam says gruffly. My brow furrows.

"What's that supposed to mean?" I gape, and I don't think I've ever asked that question more appropriately in my life.

"Nothing." Sam rolls her eyes. "I'm hungry and airplane food sucks. I'm going to Bots. Bye."

She saunters off before I can say another word. I shake my head tousle my hair in frustration. I thought I'd be happy to see Sam again, but after what she said to Tori…

Oh my god, Tori.

I close the door and rush down the hallway, bursting into the bedroom. The lights are off and I immediately look towards Sam's bed. It's empty. Of course, duh. Her immediate reaction wouldn't be to leap into the bed of the person who just flung a bunch of insults at her. Which means…

I turn my head, and I see her curled up amongst my pink covers and stuffed animals. I sigh, sitting down beside her on the bed and touching her shoulder gently.

"Hey…" I whisper. She bunches up even more, her eyes screwed shut. "You okay?"

"I'm faced with the reality that I might be the reason my girlfriend tried to kill herself. I'm just peachy." Tori mumbles.

"Tori… That's just stupid." I sigh. "Don't believe what Sam said."

"But she had a point." Tori pushes herself up to a sitting position. "I've been wracking my brain thinking about what could possibly drive you to that point. And… it always came down to what was the biggest influence in your life. Me." Tori sighs. "It's not… it's not stupid, either. I've thought hard about this. First about how… how I didn't prevent it. And then about how I might've caused it."

"Tori, stop." I plead.

"No, I need to… I need to get this out." She breathes. "What if you weren't happy with me? What if I was making you miserable? And what if you were just… too kind to say anything? You were just festering in this awful relationship…"

"That's not true." I state.

"Do we know that? I didn't want to believe it at first… but then I kept getting you hurt… Not telling you about our relationship, about your parents, about Robbie… Oh god, and I'm still keeping things from you." She buries her head in her hands.

"What?" I blink.

"Your Nona, Cat. I didn't want to tell you but I'm done trying to 'protect' you from the bad things because clearly I just do more harm than good. Where your parents were very accepting of our relationship, your Nona was not. She was… quote, unquote _disgusted_. She moved away to Florida _because_ of me. Oh god…" Tori sobs softly. "Just another reason that I wasn't good for you."

"But…" I falter. My Nona? Homophobic? I never thought her to be the type. She seems to be very accepting… then again, she did live in a different time, and she never seemed to like my uncles on the other side of the family… You know what? Now is not the time to be concerned about my Nona. I shake my head. "Tori, you were trying your best for me. Remember, you told me everything you do is for me."

"Exactly." Tori sniffs. "And my best isn't enough. This is why I _really_ believe it's possible that I could've been the reason you… you…" Tori hiccups, and I can tell she's close to going into hysterics. I bite my lip.

"That's not possible, Tori." I declare. She finally meets my eyes, hers looking dark, red and puffy.

"We don't know that for sure." Tori chokes. "That's the problem! I can't even ask you what I did wrong because you wouldn't even remember! I can't right whatever I did wrong!"

"You did nothing wrong! Tori, I was so happy with you!" I cry. "I don't have to have my memories to know how utterly happy you would've made me!"

She clutches at her hair and I'm afraid she's going to yank it out. "I want to believe you, I do. But you don't know… You _can't_ know…"

But I do. I do and I'm starting to think she won't believe me unless I show her. I told myself I wouldn't show her because it would hurt… But if it's between causing some heartache and letting her believe that she could possibly be an awful enough girlfriend to drive me to attempting to end my life… I'd choose the heartache.

"I need to show you something." I say slowly. I get up and grab my laptop, then I take the box that I rewrapped and give it to her. She blinks at it. "I found it at New Year's. I guess it was my Christmas gift to you."

She stares at it for a moment. "What is…"

"Just… just play it." I request, pushing the laptop into her lap. I shuffle up beside her as she opens the box and marvels at the usb stick. Coming to realization, she opens the laptop and plugs it in. I watch her pull up the video, and then I turn to watch her face.

I hear my voice over the computer speakers, and she starts with a blank look. As the video goes on, however, a small smile starts to form on her face. Then it grows until she's chuckling under her breath. She cries again after my line of 'I love you so much, Tori. I always will'. But the smile stays.

She watches the screen long after the video ends, and I fight the urge to wipe away her silent tears. Eventually, she closes the laptop and wipes her own face with her sleeve.

"I needed to see that. Thank you." Tori whimpers in the smallest voice.

"So you get it now?" I sigh. "I filmed that a few days before… everything. Did you see the look on my face? The way I sang? I'm used to being a happy person, but the way I looked there… I can't even imagine that amount of happiness." I turn to face her. "You did that."

She sniffs and doesn't say anything. She merely nods, looking like she's holding back more tears.

"Tori, I don't know what happened to me. I don't know if I'll ever find out. But there is one thing I know for sure." I risk cupping her cheek, making her look at me. "You. Were not. The cause."

"Cat, I…" Tori trembles.

"And you know what? I don't even need a video to know that, because I know you. I know the kind of person you are. I'm… I'm sorry I don't have the same feelings, but I know if I did, there's no way I'd be unhappy with you. So don't ever think that. Please." I continue. She sits silently for a moment, thinking, processing… She seems to be waging an internal battle. Eventually, she nods slowly.

"…Okay." Tori concedes. I don't know if she sounded completely convinced, but it's a start. A smile grows on my face, and I take her hand.

"One more thing… I didn't know if I should show you this video. I figured it would hurt you, and maybe it does. But it got to the point where I decided to show you, because I thought that was best for you." I bite my lip. "I don't have all the answers, and I wouldn't expect you to, either. The things you kept from me… you thought you were doing what was best. And maybe it was, at the time. But it's okay to screw up. It's not like there's a… guide for this kind of thing. We're still figuring it out together."

"Oh my god…" Tori breathes. "I love you. Just… I love you." Her arms wrap around me in a tight hug. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't say it. But it's all I can say right now."

"It's okay." I whisper. I feel yet another pang of guilt. I might've just made it worse, I don't know. Like I said, I don't have all the answers. All I can do is return her hug without returning her love, no matter how much I wish I could.

Wazz it, Valentine. Why you gotta be so irresistible?

She pulls away slowly and shakes her head. "Sorry. Not just to you, but also… past you. You would've been so wazzed at the idea of me questioning how much you loved me and our relationship." She chuckles slightly, then her eyes grow wide. "Oh. Now I kind of don't want you to get your memory back."

"I promise to forgive you if that ever happens." I smile, and she smiles back.

"Good." She blows out a breath, and then looks at the usb stick. "Can I… keep this?"

"Well, it's my Christmas gift to you, so… technically it's yours." I state.

"Thank you… it was a perfect gift." Tori murmurs. "So… it's only fair…" She trails off, crawling off my bed.

"What is?" I question.

"Stay put. I'll be right back." She instructs, leaving the room.

"O…kay?" I tilt my head at where she was a second ago. I listen closely, but all I can hear is some rustling somewhere off in the distance. She comes back soon enough, though, her own small box in her hand. She sits back down beside me, looking as fidgety as I did in the video.

"I hid this here since we were going to spend Christmas Eve together anyway. I didn't give it to you because, well, it wasn't really appropriate with your memories gone. But since you gave me your… incredibly romantic gift…" She holds the box out to me. "Merry belated Christmas, Cat."

I look at her a moment before taking the box, staring at the palm-sized box. So she got me something after all… I lift off the lid and gasp. "Tori… it's beautiful."

"It's… it's nothing." She blushes. It's not nothing, though. It's a necklace with a pretty pink heart at the end. I turn it over in my fingers and see the initials **T.V.** carved into the side. First of all, I never realized that Tori has the same initials as a television. Second of all, it's really sweet. "I thought maybe… it'd just be a way to keep my heart close to you."

I don't need to have feelings for her to swoon right now. She's so adorable.

"You don't have to wear it, obviously, but I just wanted you to have it…" Tori sighs.

"I love it." I state before mentally putting my foot in my mouth. "I mean… I know I would've. It's a great gift. Thank you."

But seriously, the sentiment has me floored. It just blows my mind that I woke up to someone who loves me this much… I've never been on the receiving end of this much affection before. She gives me a small smile, and I remember how difficult this must be for her. I reach over to touch her arm. She immediately retracts it with a hiss.

"Ah. Ow." Tori bites her lip, and I gasp.

"Oh god! Your arm! I saw Sam grab it, too. Is it okay? Can I take a look?" I ask frantically.

"Uh… yeah, sure." Tori complies, holding it out slowly. She still hasn't changed her shirt… her sleeve is a little singed. "The hospital says it'll be fine. They put burn cream and wrapped it… same old song and dance as before."

"They didn't do a very good job." I note, having carefully pulled up her sleeve. The bandage is all over the place.

"Yeah, I guess Sam must've messed it up a little." Tori notes. I give her an apologetic look.

"I'm sorry about her. She just… she gets a little intense sometimes. But she was out of line." I mutter, but Tori shrugs.

"It's okay. I probably should've expected it. I never really talked to her before we started dating, but once we were, I was over here a lot… we weren't exactly best buddies." Tori explains. I start fiddling with her bandage, careful not to hurt her.

"Why?" I ask.

"I don't know. Grumpy people just seem to not like me very much." Tori ponders, probably thinking about Jade. "It wasn't like we were at each other's throats, but we just tolerated each other. Frankly, she scares me."

"She scares me too, and I live with her." I comment. "But I need to talk to her about being so mean… I don't want you two fighting, especially about me."

"Yeah, totally. I get it. I won't try to instigate anything, I promise." Tori nods. I give her a smile.

"I know. And thank you." I express, clipping the bandage into place. "There, all fixed. Too tight?"

"No… it's just perfect." Tori beams, and we stare at each other a moment. I still can't get over the way she looks at me now. It's so… powerful. Her eyes grow heavy for a moment before looking away. "Anyway it's… probably good that she's back. Now she can help watch over you."

"Right, yes. Now you can get nights off." I joke, patting her hand. She presses her lips together, looking down at her lap.

"Yeah, that's probably for the best."

* * *

><p>"<strong>Hello, Elderly Acres Florida branch. How may I assist you?<strong>"

"Hi! I was wondering if I could speak to Nona Valentine?" I ask into the phone. There's a pause over the line.

"**Nona… Valentine**?" The man on the other end asks. I let out a huff.

"Yes, I forget her first name. Is she there?" I inquire.

"**Well we do have one woman with the last name Valentine on the premise… She was recently woken up due to a small sleepwalking spell**."

"Yep. That's her." I confirm.

"**Alright, may I ask who is calling**?" He asks. I pause for a moment. Will she answer if I say it's me?

"Um… Bob Barker." I state.

"**Really? You don't sound like Bob**." He says skeptically.

"Uh… Come on down?" I squeak.

"…**Yeah, okay kid. I'll buy it. Please hold.**"

Nailed it.

Not too long later, the phone clicks back into life. My Nona's voice floods to my ear.

"**Bob! About time, you rascal. They told me you wouldn't call me after that night, but I knew! I never gave up hope after all these years-**"

"Nona! It's me." I say quickly.

"…**Cat? Why ever would you be calling me?**" She questions.

"Well… did you hear about my… situation?"

"**I got the message, yes. Are you doing okay**?"

She seems concerned for me, so that's a good sign.

"Yes, I'm fine. But I heard we aren't on the best terms right now, which isn't fine… so I wanted to call and see…" I mumble.

"**Best terms? There's nothing wrong between us.**" She answers. I let out a breath of relief.

"Oh, thank god. I was so worried-"

"**I simply needed to remove myself from an uncomfortable situation**." She states. I blink.

"You mean me and Tori?" I question.

"**Shhh!**" Nona hisses, as if someone might overhear. "**Yes. Your… relationship**."

"You know I don't remember it happening anymore, right?" I sigh.

"**So you're done with the whole… fraternizing with those on the same **_**team**_** as you?**" Nona mutters. I grimace a little. I don't like this side of Nona.

"I don't know. I don't believe in limiting myself, including who I may fall in love with. Is that so wrong?" I interrogate. I hear an exasperated sigh on the other end of the line.

"**Cat, it's late**." She says.

"Oh, right. Time change." I smack myself in the forehead. "Just… can you find it in your heart to accept me?"

"**It's not that I don't accept you, it's just that I… don't want to be around it.**"

"But Nona, I want _you_ to be around-"

"**I'm sorry, Cat. I'm just not comfortable with it. I'm glad you're doing okay, but I have to go. Goodbye.**"

She hangs up before I can say anything else. I toss my phone on my bed before tossing myself on the bed with it, letting out a loud groan.

It's gotten to the point where so much has changed that I'm just going to accept it. Fine, life. Throw more at me. Go ahead. I don't care. My care cup is empty. Sigh.

I hear a knock at the door and I look up. Sam is in the doorway, looking awkward.

"Why'd you knock?" I question.

"I wanted to talk to you." Sam leans against the doorframe.

"But it's your room, too." I raise my eyebrow.

"I was… I was just trying to be polite! Let me be polite." Sam huffs.

"Um, alright. You may enter." I gesture into the room. Sam came back earlier, and after a short and sour interaction between her and Tori, Tori left. Sam hasn't said a word to me before now. It feels lonely without Tori here.

She fiddles with her fingers as she stands in front of me. "So, I'm only going to say this once… I apologize." She sighs.

"Don't apologize to me, apologize to Tori." I state.

"Oh, come on." Sam groans.

"Sam…"

"Fine." Sam grunts, sitting on her bed. "I'll apologize to your princess."

"She's not my-" I pause, shaking my head. "Why would you say such awful things to her?"

She hesitates for a moment. "I'll only say this once, too. I don't have many friends here. It was the best being with Carly and Freddie again, but back here… I really only have you." She mutters. "Then Miss Tall Dark and Annoying came into your life and I was practically pushed out. When I found out I nearly lost you for good… it was just easiest to blame her."

"Sam, you're still one of my best friends. You could never be replaced or pushed out. I mean, we run a business together. It's not like I let Tori take that over with us. Did I?" I ask. She shakes her head and I continue. "But that doesn't give you the right to attack her. She means a lot to me, whether I have feelings for her or not."

"I know, I know." Sam huffs. "Like I said, I'm sorry."

"Ha! I got you to say it twice." I grin. She stares a me a moment before a smirk forms on her face.

"Touché, Valentine." Sam comments. She stands up again. "So, we cool?"

"_As long_ as you apologize to Tori." I remind her.

"Yeah, yeah. Guess you'll get it out of me three times." Sam waves her arm. "Oh, by the way," She turns toward her closet, pulling out a green binder and shaking some of the junk from the closet off of it. "I found this when I got home and was unpacking earlier. It was at the bottom of my closet for some reason, but I'm pretty sure it's yours."

"Ooh, yes. I was looking for this everywhere!" I take the binder from her. "Thank you."

"No problem." Sam shrugs. "I'm going to go fry some chicken or something."

"Don't get any on your clothes and try to eat them again." I express.

"Pfft, don't be silly. I haven't done that in… four months." Sam scoffs, leaving the room.

I open the binder, flipping through the notes. This was the binder I used for a lot of note taking in my classes. Tori and I couldn't find it, so we had to do the catch up with her notes. This will help for the classes she wasn't in, though. I still feel behind in a lot of my studies.

I spend some time flipping through, trying to refresh my "memories". I finally get to the back, and I notice a small note in the back pocket of the binder. I pull it out, and my brow furrows.

It's just a small post it note, but it has text generated by a computer on it rather than hand writing. I had never seen the note before in my life, but the words on it send a shiver up and down my spine.

**DON'T FUCK WITH ME**

**AND NOBODY GETS HURT**

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes: Ughhh I'm still on Iceland time. I'm so tired I can't even breathe. Ehem. So Tori seems to be getting closer and closer to having a breakdown... Cat's prevented it so far, but how long will that last? Not to mention, Cat's care cup is running on empty. I'd be fed with everything if I was her, too. Oh, and what up with the threatening note? DID THE PLOT JUST THICKEN?<strong>

**Iceland was wonderful. I'm still going to blog about it once I have some time. I have some lovely pictures - there are sights in Iceland that are just unreal. I had a great vacation, but I'm back with more Cori. And angst. And I owe Cat and Tori so many apologies. Let me know what you thought of my cruelness. **

**Fun Fact: I actually never realized that Tori's initials were TV until I wrote them out. I had to have Cat comment on that, because she totally would. **


	8. Spotlight

**Disclaimer: I'm still here bitches, and I know everything. Like how waitwhathuh doesn't own Victorious. - A**

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><p>I didn't think much of the note. I mean, it was in my school binder so… it could've been from a class, could've been a note from Jade, or just a prank. It was creepy, but it's probably nothing to worry about.<p>

What's really worrying? Sam made me breakfast.

"Um… what's this?" I blink, looking at the plate she placed in front of me.

"Eggs… bacon… toast…" Sam points at each food item on the plate as if I really don't know what they are.

"I know what they _are_ but… you made them for me?" I question. She shrugs.

"Well… I'm jetlagged and I had some time… And I was hungry." Sam explains.

"But you left some for me." I state.

"So?"

"You don't usually do that." I point out. Again, she shrugs.

"I just thought that maybe… you might like some breakfast. And stuff. Because I wouldn't want you to get, you know, stressed. About lack of food." Sam explains awkwardly. It takes me a moment to realize what she means.

"Is that what this is about? You think I'll have another episode?" I sigh, and she shifts slightly.

"Yeah, well. It'd suck to lose my business partner. I mean, I can get those kids to shut up but I'm not really good at the 'fun' part." Sam mumbles.

"Sam, you're not going to 'lose' me." I assure her. "Seriously. I'm not like a shaken Blue Dog Soda bottle that's ready to pop at the lack of breakfast in my life."

"You sure about that? Because you're pretty sensitive and, who knows? Maybe Tori didn't make you breakfast one morning…" Sam rationalizes.

"I thought we were done with the whole blaming Tori thing." I huff.

"Yeah, yeah…" Sam sighs. "Look, I know I'm not the most… tactful person usually, but I know your situation is serious and needs to be taken seriously. I'm angry, not cruel. So I figured maybe a little more…" She gags for a moment, "compassion on my part wouldn't hurt."

I'm a little touched by the sentiment. I mean, it's Sam. But I'm also weirded out. It's _Sam_. Enough has changed, and I don't want her new behaviour to constantly remind me of what happened to me.

"I appreciate that, Sam, but honestly… I just want things to be normal." I mutter. "Your job is to look for signs of a mental breakdown, but that's it. I don't want things to change."

"Are you sure?" Sam raises her eyebrow.

"_Yes_. You don't have to act differently around me. Just be yourself. Please." I request. She stares at me for a moment, shrugs, and then reaches out to take a handful of my scrambled eggs.

"Fine. If that's what you want." Sam states, shoving the eggs into her mouth.

"Good. Much better." I smile. I eat whatever's left on the plate and grab my bag. Tori will be coming to pick me up any time now.

"Hey. Nice necklace. It new?" Sam asks, and I quickly look down at my chest where the pink heart is dangling.

"Oh, this? I've had it for… as long as I can remember." I explain.

"I see. It's nice." She comments as she kicks her feet up on the couch. I know Tori just gave me this, but I don't want to explain to Sam why I like the idea of keeping the heart of someone close to me when I'm not even in love with them. I can't explain it to myself either.

And I definitely don't want to explain it to Tori, so I stuff it into my shirt when I hear her knock at the door.

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><p>This is the only class we have where the whole gang is all together… including Robbie, even if he isn't part of the gang anymore.<p>

"Okay class, you must be wondering why were are in the blackbox today instead of our usual classroom." Sikowitz announces.

"Not really." Beck shrugs. I should mention, he is freshly shaved.

"After four years, we've just learned to roll with it." Andre sighs. Sikowitz frowns at the class.

"Your lack of enthusiasm and intrigue wounds me." He gestures to me. "Cat!"

"Yay!" I exclaim, throwing my arms up in the air.

"Much better. This is why I keep you around." Sikowitz says with a satisfied smile. I give him a confused look. Well, it's nice to be wanted.

"Okay… Sikowitz, why are we here and not the usual classroom?" Tori asks.

"Thank you for asking, Tori! The dynamic duo once again reaffirms my love for teaching." Sikowitz grins. "We are here to learn about tech!"

"We've learned about tech in other classes." Jade rolls her eyes. "This is supposed to be an advanced acting class."

"Right you are! And since you've taken those other classes, you know that acting and tech go hand in hand!" Sikowitz exclaims.

"Not if you're Grotowski." Beck raises his hand. Sikowitz shoots him a glare and approaches him, close up to his face.

"Is this my class, or your class?" Sikowitz mutters.

"You're class, sir." Beck blinks. Sikowitz moves away to address the rest of the class.

"As I was saying, acting and tech go hand in hand. Today we will be working with the tech class to really get a feel for all sorts of ways an actor can relate to the set." Sikowitz states. He points up and we follow his direction toward the rafters, and the tech class waves down at us. Sikowiz then pulls out a roll of white tape. "Now, let's make some marks, shall we?"

We start with Beck standing centre stage and having a wash light across the stage. Sikowitz frowns slightly.

"Erm, you know, the point of having someone model the effects of the wash lighting is to show that it doesn't do well for a complexion. But you just look as great as ever." He sighs. Beck runs his hand through his hair nonchalantly.

"Um, thank you, sir." Beck shrugs.

"Do you take pleasure in derailing my lessons, Mr. Oliver?" Sikowitz questions.

"No, sir."

"Hmm." Sikowitz ponders. "Back lights only, please." Sikowitz announces. Sinjin, who's manning the lighting board, pouts down at us.

"Can't we just do disco again?" He requests.

"No." Sikowitz glares. Sinjin mumbles something about how someday disco will rise again, and the lighting changes to turn Beck into an ominous shadow. "There, now Beck looks like the evil student he really is."

"Hey!" Beck protests.

We did a bunch of other exercises showing how light can bring the focus more than the proximity of an actor's position on stage, and then we moved on to sound cues and how to hit them properly. Nearing the end of class, we used set pieces to show how to draw the attention of an audience. Me, Tori and Andre were on stage for the demonstration.

"Now you see, even though Cat is under the spotlight upstage and Andre is downstage, your attention is drawn to Andre just as much because he's in the threshold of the stage door. It builds a perfect outline and is very effective for drawing the eye. That's why entrances are so important, and you must be 100% in character when entering the stage. _Not_ just when the dialogue starts." Sikowitz explains. "Furthermore, even though Tori is centre stage now, she has the least amount of focus because of lack of light or a threshold."

"Hey Vega, how's it feel to not be the centre of attention for once?" Jade remarks from the audience.

"Can it, Jade." Tori scoffs.

"Touchy." Jade smirks.

"Now now, girls." Sikowitz scolds. "We'll fix this imbalance soon enough." He pulls out a really bright, boisterous orange sweater and tosses it to Tori. "Put this on."

"What? It's really ugly." She grimaces.

"Play the part of a character who likes ugly sweaters." Sikowitz drawls. Tori sighs and pulls it on. "There, now you see another way to draw focus. Colour! Specifically bold ones like red. I had a red sweater but, it was in the wash… anyway, now that you see this set up, where are your eyes drawn to most?"

"My brain is confused." One of the shruggers comment.

"To be expected! Which brings us to the final and most potent strategy to create a focal point. Movement!" Sikowitz exclaims. "Cat, do a little dance thing."

"Like this?" I ask, twirling away from underneath the light.

"Yes, but stay on your mark." He states, and I realize I've moved back from it.

"Whoops, sorry." I flush, heading back to the white taped X on the ground.

But not before the stage light hits the floor with a loud _**CRASH **_right in front of me, shattering across the floor into a million itty bitty pieces.

"Holy chiz!" I squeak, jumping back from the broken glass of the lamp. Everybody rushes up worriedly and I feel two arms tightly wrap around my waist.

"Are you okay?" Tori mutters frantically into my ear.

"Yeah. I think so." I gasp. I don't even fully comprehend what just happened. That light almost went through my brain!

"Whoa, what happened?" Andre stares, looking between me and the broken light. I actually see a crack in the floor underneath it, and I wince. Tori's arms tighten even more.

"You see, this is why fastening the technical equipment is _extremely important_." Sikowitz growls. He actually looks really angry… I've never really seen him angry before. He looks to me. "Cat, I am very sorry for someone's incompetence. I hope you're alright."

"I'm good." I nod, although I feel a little shaken. That could've easily killed me. I think Tori sees that too, because she still hasn't let me go.

"Um, sir, I don't think this was a lack of proper set up situation." Beck comments, carefully picking up the broken light clamp. "Look familiar?"

We gather around it and we can see it clearly. The metal was cut through. I feel Tori tense, and then she leaves my side in a flash.

"You." She glowers, storming towards Robbie, who until this point had been standing to the side looking shocked.

"Wh-what?" Robbie fumbles, looking scared. Tori quickly grabs Robbie by the scruff of his shirt.

"Tori!" I call out to her, but she ignores me.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Tori hisses.

"Get **off** me you crazy gank." Robbie tries to struggle away from her, but we all know he's not strong enough to deal with Tori's current rage mode.

"Not until you explain to me _exactly _why you would try to **hurt Cat**." Tori snaps, practically lifting him off the ground.

"What are you talking about?!" Robbie chokes.

"Don't play dumb. That cut on the clamp is the exact same kind that was on Trina's harness. And who was responsible for that? Your little creepy puppet." Tori snarls.

"Rex? Rex isn't even here!" Robbie cries. Tori throws Robbie back a bit in response.

"Are you being serious right now? Really? You're going to continue to _pretend_ that Rex is some separate entity and not an _extension_ of your seriously eff'd up personality?" She shouts, getting right up in his face. "I tried to look past it for Trina, but this is Cat. I told you a long time ago to never go near her, or even look at her funny. This is why. I don't care how scrunched up your little pathetic heart is over not getting the girl. If you pull this shit, I will break your kneecaps."

"Hot damn." Jade raises her eyebrows. I approach Tori cautiously, concerned.

"I wasn't anyone near the light! I was here the whole time!" Robbie argues.

"I didn't see you…" Tori growls.

"Tor…" I touch her side gently, and she looks at me. The same amount of intensity is there, but now it's worry rather than anger. "I don't think he did it."

"Thank you, Cat." Robbie huffs. Tori shoots him a look and he recoils away. She turns back to me.

"Hun, he's done this kind of thing before." Tori sighs.

"I know. I understand why you thought of him right away, but there's no way he could've cut the clamp and then got back down here in that amount of time without being noticed." I explain.

"Cat's got a point." Andre agrees. Tori's silent for a moment, allowing herself to relax a bit.

"Fine… I guess you're right." She mumbles.

"I think you owe me an apology." Robbie quips. Tori immediately tenses again. Oh, Robbie. Why couldn't you have just stayed quiet?

"I'm never going to apologize for trying to protect my…" Tori trails off, and for the first time since Tori went after him, Robbie takes his full height.

"Your what, Tori?" Robbie asks. Tori says nothing, and I just look between them.

"Oooookay. As interesting as this real time drama is, I'm just going to diffuse a bit." Sikowitz lowers his hands to make a point. "Clearly the culprit must've been someone who was in the rafters."

"The tech class…" Tori mutters, looking at me. "Have you made any enemies in the tech class?"

"Not that I remember." I tilt my head.

"Right…" She nods.

"To be fair, it might not have been directly towards Cat. There's always been some… animosity between the tech and performance departments at Hollywood Arts. Like the electric box incident of 91." He shudders. "Of course, since we were on the stage sets part, most of the tech either left or are backstage…"

"Sinjin is still in the lighting booth. Maybe he saw something." Beck comments.

"You are just a know-it-all today, aren't you?" Sikowitz mutters. Beck shakes his head.

"Hey, Sinjin! You see anything up there?" Andre calls up to him. He doesn't reply, but we can see his legs resting up on the booth.

"_**SINJIN**_!" Jade screeches, and Sinjin quickly jumps up, completely alert.

"What-who-what-? Has disco made a comeback?" He asks.

"No you dingus. We want to know if you saw anyone trying to murder Cat." Jade huffs. Sinjin gives us a blank look.

"Murder Cat?" He questions.

"Yes, someone cut through the stage light and it nearly cracked her skull wide open." Sikowitz recalls.

"Okay, no need to be so graphic." I shiver. Tori steps closer to me.

"Um, I'm sorry, I was kind of sleeping." Sinjin says awkwardly, ruffling his afro. We all let out a collective groan.

"I guess this means Lane will be interrogating the students of the tech class. He won't be happy about that…" Sikowitz sighs. "Don't worry Cat, we'll find the culprit behind the attempt at brutally killing you."

"Gee. Thanks." I hug myself nervously.

Tori barely stays out of contact with me the rest of the day.

* * *

><p>"Can I get you anything? Soda? Water? …Soda water?" Tori questions, closing her front door behind her. We decided to spend the evening at her house as a change of atmosphere.<p>

"Water's good." I state. She gives me a smile and heads to the kitchen as I sit on the couch. I hear someone come down the stairs and I turn to see Trina. She freezes when she sees me, and then approaches Tori slowly.

"Tori." She whispers. Tori turns toward her, the glass of water in her hand.

"Yes?" Tori questions.

"Cat's here. What do I do?" Trina hisses. Tori blinks at her.

"You can probably stop acting like she can't hear you right now, for starters." Tori suggests. Trina pauses, and then stands upright.

"Cat. How. Are. You?" She asks really slowly. Tori rolls her eyes.

"I'm good?" I say.

"You'll. Get. Through. This." Trina continues her slow speech.

"Oh. Kay." I nod, raising my eyebrow.

"Trina… she lost her memory. She's not dumb." Tori huffs. Trina leans close to her.

"Did you just say Cat's not dumb?" Trina whispers. My mouth pops open in offence and Tori's face burns red.

"She's definitely not the dumbest person in the room right now." Tori says through gritted teeth. Trina gets a sympathetic look on her face and pats her on the cheek.

"Aw, sis, you don't have to be so hard on yourself." Trina expresses.

"Trina…" Tori glares.

"Anyway, I came down for a glass of water. Thank you!" Trina snatches the glass from Tori and looks at me. "See. You. Later. Cat."

"Uh… yeah." I scrunch my brow as she heads up the stairs. Tori lets out a groan as she gets me another glass of water.

"Any chance you can totally forget Trina exists, as well?" She sighs.

"Hmm, don't think it works that way." I state. Tori comes over with the water.

"That's too bad. You could've had the power to forget whatever you wanted!" Tori marvels. She hands me the water and sits next to me.

"That'd be cool. Instead I have the power to forget things I really wish I could remember." I mumble. She's silent for a moment.

"I bet you wish you could forget today." She bites her lip. "I know I do."

"It was a little scary, yeah. But I'm okay." I assure her.

"But you almost weren't." Tori says quickly. "Cat, you were about a second away from…" She shuts her eyes tight, and I touch her arm.

"Is that why you went off on Robbie?" I ask softly. She bites her lip, looking embarrassed.

"Yeah, I… I was terrified. I almost lost you again. I just… I had to direct that at somebody and Robbie seemed like the biggest culprit…" She trails off for a moment, sniffing. "I already almost lost you once and I promised myself I wouldn't let that happen again, but it was so quick – there would've been nothing I could do about it." Tori whimpers. I turn to face her, putting my water down so I could take her by the shoulders.

"Tori… please. I'm fine. Look. Still alive. I've cheated death twice so I'm pretty sure that means I'm invincible at this point." I state. She shakes her head, chuckling.

"Typical. You wake up after a suicide attempt with no memory, you're comforting me. You almost get killed by a stage light, you're comforting me." She sighs, shaking herself out. "You must be pretty freaked out, too."

"It was… a little scary. I'm trying not to dwell on it." I bite my lip. _Especially_ that whole crack in the ground thing… ugh.

"Yeah… I get that. But at the same time…" She slides close, "Cat, I don't want to freak you out more… but we know that wasn't an accident. Someone tried to…" She pauses and takes a deep breath. "Needless to say, I'm definitely not letting you out of my sight from now on. And I might put you in a bubble."

"I do love bubbles." I ponder. "But Sikowitz said it might've just been the rivalry between classes. I mean, I can't think of anyone who would want to kill me. Maybe Jade sometimes, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't go through with it. Can you think of anyone?"

"…No. I've been trying to figure it out all day. I really can't think of anyone… my first and only thought was Robbie. I told you he got a little… scary after we came out as a couple. But like you said, he wouldn't have been able to cut the light down without anyone noticing. And why would he attack now?" Tori sighs. "I just can't think of anyone who would possibly want to hurt you. You're too sweet to everyone."

The note flashes through my mind for a moment, but I put it to the side. It's just a silly note. It could've meant anything, and the note might've been a year old anyway. Nothing to worry Tori about.

"Hopefully Lane finds something out in the interrogation tonight." I comment, looking at the ground. Tori doesn't say anything, so I look up. Her eyes are glazed over and she's staring at me intensely, but her gaze isn't on my face. It's lower… "Um, Tori!" I gasp, reaching up to my chest with a blush on my face. Tori automatically snaps out of it.

"What? Oh, no! Oh god, no, no, no! I wasn't… staring there. I was um," Tori gets all flustered, fiddling with her hands. "I was looking at your necklace…"

I look down and I see the chain from the necklace she gave me, visible along my neck line. Chiz, she can recognize it just from the chain?

"Oh, um… you noticed that, huh?" I blush, pulling out the pink heart. She nods.

"I spent a lot of time trying to find the perfect necklace for you… I'd know it anywhere." Tori whispers, and she gives me a questioning look. "You didn't have to wear it, you know."

"But you're right… It is perfect. I love it. How could I not wear it?" I ask, clutching the heart. "Why? Is it… Is it weird? I can take it off…"

"No! I'm happy you like it. I mean, I bought it for you so that you could wear it, so… yeah. Wear it." Tori blushes. I give her a smile.

"Okay. Good." I nod. I'm glad because… beyond it being a cute necklace, I really did feel like Tori was with me all day, even when she was in other classes. I loved that. Too bad I can't tell her that.

I watch her as she smiles and looks away, embarrassed. She's been really on edge ever since the light incident. I get it… my suicide attempt must still be in the back of her mind, haunting her. Why wouldn't it be? I'm sure if our situations were flipped, I'd feel the same way. I'm sure after someone I loved almost got hurt, I'd just want to hold them all day. Instead, we have to figure out if it's appropriate for me to wear a necklace she bought me.

I think maybe it's time for her to relive another memory.

"Tor," I start, and she looks up at me. I sit up on my legs, expectantly. "Can you tell me about our first date?"

A smile flashes over her face. "I've been waiting for you to ask." She turns toward me. "Do you want to hear about our failed first date or our real first date?"

"Oh, now you _have_ to tell me about both." I grin.

"Alright, alright." She laughs. "So after New Year's, I wanted to take you on an actual date because at that point we had only been hanging out at each other's houses. I got these tickets to a dog show because, well, I know how much you love dogs."

"I adore dogs." I gape. Actually though, that sounds like an amazing date.

"Again, that's exactly what you said when I told you I got the tickets." Tori beams.

"So what was the failed first date?" I question, and she bites her lip.

"Actually… that _was_ the failed first date."

"What? How?" I inquire. Her cheeks flush with pink.

"God… I can't believe I'm still embarrassed about this… Remember that dog from the time I sang the national anthem at the basketball game?" Tori asks.

"Oh yes, I definitely remember that." I smirk.

"Well… he was there. And he remembered me." Tori sighs. "He kind of… ran up into the audience and… then I was dragged across the floor. Again. And then the other dogs wanted in on the fun. We had to call the fire department." She mumbles.

"Oh… my god." I clap my hands over my mouth, trying to suppress my giggles.

"It's so not funny." Tori huffs. "We spent the rest of the night in emergency because I needed stitches."

"They bit you?" I gasped.

"No, but they did decide to run the obstacle course… while I was attached to the leash." Tori grumbles. "Ugh. Thank god _that_ wasn't televised."

"Oh, Tori. I'm so sorry." I chuckle. I can just imagine myself running after her and a pack of dogs, waving treats in the air to get them to stop. That's probably what happened. "At least you made a lasting impression."

"I'm surprised you agreed to go on another date with me to try again." Tori murmurs. I give her a bright look.

"And what happened then?"

"Well, this time I let _you_ choose. We ended up going to a carnival and…" Tori gets a far-off look in her eye. "It was perfect. We got cotton candy, won each other prizes at the booths, kissed at the top of the ferris wheel when it broke down for a while…" She recalls, a content smile spreads on her face. I blush, trying to picture it.

"It sounds like it was a really nice time." I sigh.

"It was. You are clearly better at picking out dates than I am." Tori chuckles. "I like to think of that as our real first date."

"Hmm… I think I probably liked both just the same." I shrug.

"Really? You think you liked the dog stampede just as much as the cute carnival date?" Tori questions.

"Well, maybe not the part where you got hurt. But you know, good dates aren't about what you do, it's who you're with. And for both I was with you, so…" I trail off, not wanting to say too much. I look up expecting to apologize to a pained look on her face, but instead she's smiling.

"Yeah, any moment I've been with you is pretty special." Tori nods, letting out a sigh. I bite my lip.

"Even now?" I ask quietly.

"Even now." Tori confirms. "Cat… I've told you this. I'm okay that you don't have feelings for me anymore. Really. I'm just happy to be with you in any sense, even if it's just friendship." She assures me. "I'd only not be okay if I really lost you… today showed me that."

"Oh, Tor…" I sigh, and I give her a tight hug.

We ended up falling asleep on the couch together, and I knew that Mr. Vega would come home later and probably not approve. But right now, I don't care. I just want to fall asleep next to a girl who cares about me, and maybe, just maybe, I can dream about those first dates.

I hate that I forgot them.

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><p><strong>Author's Notes: Yaaay, more of their past! Booo, Cat almost dying again! Cat just has the worst luck... But at least she has Tori, even if that's confusing the hell out of her. One day they'll be happy. One day. <strong>

**Sorry this was late. Reminder to you guys: If a chapter is late, you can always check my twitter. I always let you guys know what's going on there. But it's all good, because new chapter! Hurray! I'm also really tired.**

**Fun Fact: As with most of the theatre lessons I've typed in my stories, I lived through the one Sikowitz taught in this chapter.**


	9. It's Complicated

**!Trigger Warning due to showing a suicide** **note!**

**Disclaimer: Victorious is gone and I gotta stay high, all the time, to convince myself I own you, OOooh OOooh. (Just kidding. Hugs not drugs. Unless you're Tove Lo. Because that music video is HAWT)**

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><p>He leans forward slightly, eyeing me diligently. I'm not used to Dr. Faheem being so… alert. He's generally very laid back and calm, but as soon as I told him about the possible attempt on my life, he became like a meerkat. You know how those cute little rodents stand at attention when they think danger is near? That's Dr. Faheem right now. Dr. Faheerkat.<p>

"And so they didn't find the perpetrator?" He asks.

"No. My school's counsellor, Lane, has been interrogating the tech class for the last few days. He couldn't find anyone who would want to kill me. I mean, one kid, Jeremy, said my hair colour annoys him. But that's it." I explain.

"Aren't you worried?" He inquires. I give a shrug.

"Yeah, I guess. But now the school is installing security cameras. I mean, they had them before, but now they've got the kind that shoot at every angle? And they're everywhere! It feels like Big Brother." I explain. "If there's a sociopath at our school, they're going to have a hard time maiming anyone now."

"I'm happy to hear your school took immediate action." Dr. Faheem nods.

"Yeah, since Hollywood Arts is a performance school, it self-funds… it doesn't have to wait for a board to approve a decision." I state.

"Good, good." He smiles, but it quickly dissipates. "Still, it is worrying that you seemed to be the target of this attack. Are you certain there's nothing that could have marked you?"

I take a deep breath. I told myself I would be open about everything this meeting.

"Well, I did find this note…" I say slowly. He raises his eyebrow.

"A note?"

"Yeah. I mean, I think it's an old note. It seemed kind of crumpled. And it was in my binder that I lost, so I must've gotten it before I lost my memories. So it could've been anything." I relay.

"And what'd this note say, if you don't mind my asking." He inquires. I shift slightly.

"It said uh… Don't… 'bad word' with me, and nobody gets hurt." I reveal. His eyebrows shoot into the air. "But- but like I said, it was an old note. Could've been anything."

He strokes his long, crazy beard thoughtfully. "Normally I would agree, but after this recent occurrence with the stage light, I'd say it might be worth paying attention to."

"Are you saying someone might be after me?" I question.

"I don't wish to cause alarm. I am merely suggesting vigilance. There's a lot of unknowns in your life right now due to your memory loss, and because of that, things may not be what they seem. Even the cause to your trip to the hospital." He explains calmly. Does he mean this might be connected to my suicide attempt? Or… maybe he means it might not have been a suicide attempt after all?

"So… I should be careful. Got it." I nod. "I don't have to worry about it too much, though. Tori's been watching me like a hawk since the light nearly hit me. It's like she's ready to jump in front of a bullet for me."

"It's a good thing you have a friend who cares so much about you." Dr. Faheem states, interlocking his fingers in front of him.

"Well, yeah… except it's more than that." I shift slightly. I've been hesitant to tell Dr. Faheem because it's between me and Tori, but he seems trustworthy enough… and I really want to talk about it with someone. "I should probably tell you… She's in love with me."

He sits there stoically, not seeming the least bit surprised. "And how do you feel about her?" He asks. I look down at my lap.

"I… I don't know." I frown. "Apparently we were dating up until I lost my memory, and I was in love with her. And I believe that. I mean, Tori's great. She's kind and beautiful… loyal, strong… safe."

"And since losing your memories, you've also lost your love for her?" He asks.

"Not… not exactly…" I sigh. "It's so hard to explain. I feel like it's there, I just can't see it. You know? Like… like a fire. I can feel the heat of the fire sometimes, but when I look, there's just… nothing." I run my hands through my hair. "It's so confusing."

"Are you implying that Tori brings up some hidden emotions?"

"Yeah, I guess I am." I nod. He taps his chin lightly.

"Interesting…" He quickly jots down some notes, then leans back in his chair with his eyes closed. "Perhaps you should pursue this further."

I blink at him. "Really? But… before you said to focus on what I _do_ remember, because that's what makes up what I am."

"But clearly your mind has some sort of connections to your past memories when it comes to Tori. Tell me, have you had any flashbacks yet?"

"No, Doctor. I don't think so." I answer.

"Then these… confusing feelings toward Tori may be the link." He stands up, pacing slightly. "Cat, you seem very stable mentally, so it is in my professional opinion that we head to the next step."

"You mean, trying to regain my memories?" I inquire.

"Precisely." He nods. "It's become even more imperative due to recent events. It seems there will be no clear connection to your mysterious note, suicide attempt and most recent brush with death without your memories."

"So you think the key is Tori?" I tilt my head.

"I'm saying she might be the first step. Your mind and body seem to be most connected with the memories you can't access when you're with Tori. Let me guess, your body reacts in ways that seem familiar and yet you don't remember why?" He rants.

"Yes, that's it exactly." I gape.

"Hence the confusion. Your body and mind are in conflict. You see, love heightens the senses. They say the best way to recall lost memories is through the senses – particularly smell. Ergo, your masked love for Tori might be enough to help recall some of your memories – or at least open a way for us to get to them. It's called association." Dr. Faheem explains.

"But, what do you want me to do?" I whine. "I can't just throw myself back into a relationship with her. Maybe I am still in love with her… but it doesn't feel that way. What if I never get that back?" My eyes start to tear up. "I can't lead her on like that. I **can't**. She's hurting enough already."

He raises his hand calmly. "I would never suggest you do something you're not comfortable with, Cat." He whispers. "But if Tori cares about you, I'm sure she'd do whatever it takes to help you get better."

"I know she would." I mutter. "I just don't want her to sacrifice her heart for me."

"We can start slowly. You see, I also offer couple's therapy." He smiles. "Perhaps you can talk to Tori about bringing her in next week with you. We can have an open discussion about our next steps and figuring out boundaries and strategies." He states. "I'm not saying you have to date again, but simply talking through memories and experiences may be enough."

Well, we've already done that… but maybe with Dr. Faheem's guidance, this could work?

"Yeah, okay. I'll talk to her about it." I agree, but I fiddle with my hands nervously.

"We'll go at a pace you're comfortable with." He pauses, "That you'll _both_ be comfortable with."

"Okay." I nod.

"I think that's enough for today." He announces. I nod again, standing up.

"Thank you, Dr. Faheem. For everything."

"Think nothing of it, Cat. I am here to help you on this journey." He smiles, and then forms a solemn expression. "Just promise me one thing… if you find any more threatening notes, promise me you'll tell someone."

"Okay. I promise." I agree. I mean, I really don't think I'll find any more notes anyway. That was just a onetime thing.

Except it _wasn't_.

Apparently my note-finding game was on point the next day, because I was able to find two throughout the course of the day.

The first was in the morning, when I noticed the paper bin was full. I yelled at Sam to go empty it, but she insisted that she had been taking it out the whole year, I just didn't remember it. I highly doubted that, but as much as I wanted to reprimand her for taking advantage of the amnesiac, I knew it wouldn't get emptied if I didn't do it. So, I dragged the bin to the apartment complex's joint recycling station, and dumped it in the larger container.

I probably would've ignored it, if it hadn't been for the bright yellow colour of the crumpled paper. The same bright yellow of the post-it note I found in my binder. Curious, I grabbed it and unravelled it. As I feared, I was met with the same bold, computer-generated text that I saw on the first post-it note.

**YOU PLAY WITH FIRE**

**YOU'RE GOING TO GET BURNED**

Again, I shivered. But this also had to be an old note. I only saw it because it was at the bottom of our recycle bin when I emptied it out. I know we hadn't emptied it out since losing my memory, so this was from before my attempted suicide. I hadn't tried to keep this one, though. I had tried to get rid of it. Maybe because I didn't take it seriously, or maybe… because it freaked me out too much.

I'm still trying to believe that they're just stupid notes. They don't mean anything. But even Dr. Faheem seemed concerned, and then I found the second one of the day…

This one wasn't in its conventional post-it note form. Instead, I discovered it after our school librarian came up to me and asked if I knew where the "Encyclopedia of Tragic Plays" book was. I apparently had taken it out back in November and never returned it. I knew where it was, though. I had kept seeing it at the back of my locker.

I pulled it out and flipped through it, just to make sure I still didn't need it for any of my classes. That's when I got to the very last page.

**YOUR LIFE WILL END IN TRAGEDY**

**OR I WILL MAKE YOUR LIFE TRAGIC**

At this point, I started to seriously wonder if I was in a Pretty Little Liars episode.

Needless to say, I couldn't return the book like that, so I just went to tell the librarian that I had forgotten where the book was. Thanks to my 'special circumstances' I was able to avoid any fees, and told the librarian I would return the book if I ever came across it.

Unfortunately, the library will never see the book again. It's joined the other two menacing notes I've found, and it's enough to convince me that I should go speak to Tori.

It's the end of the day, so I need to find her anyway since she's my ride home. I start to head around a corner when I hear her talking to Andre.

"Are you really giving up hope?" Andre asks.

"I don't know…" Tori sighs, running a hand through her hair.

"But Tor… I saw you and Cat through the last year. I watched your relationship grow. I didn't think anything could tear you apart… I thought that you could get through anything." Andre mutters.

"Yeah. Well. Things change." Tori mumbles, stuffing her hands into her jacket pocket. "There's not much we can do about a lost memory. I'm just glad she's not weirded out that she used to date me."

"But you're Cat and Tori! Tori and Cat!" Andre exclaims. "Isn't that worth fighting for?"

"Honestly, Andre… I'm just concerned about her getting better. I don't want to put any pressure on her." She states.

"Okay, let's say she's better. We figure out why she got all suicidal, we fix it so it'll never happen again – then what?"

"Then we… see how she feels." Tori mutters. "She might love me again, one day. But she might not. She probably won't."

"Tor, don't say that."

"It's true though!" Tori cries. "I don't even know how we fell each other in the first place! It was a fluke for all I know. I mean, how could such an amazing girl fall for me?" Tori huffs, running her hand through her hair again. "Look, I don't mean to get all… self-conscious, but seriously. She's her own person. She owes me nothing… not even her love."

"And if she doesn't fall for you again?" Andre asks. "What will you do? Tori… I know how much she means to you."

Tori looks at the ground, biting her lip. "I don't know." She whispers.

"…Well, you may have given up, but I haven't. I know you two. You're my best friends, and I know you well enough that you're awesome apart… but you're even better together. That wasn't a fluke." Andre touches Tori on the shoulder. "Don't give up on her."

Tori looks away. She looks flustered.

"Alright." She mumbles. At this point I catch her eye, and she looks up. Now she _really_ looks flushed. "Cat!" She jumps. "H-how much did you hear?"

"Um…" I rub the back of my head. I feel really bad about intruding on their moment. "I just got here. Looking for my ride home." I flash a smile.

"Oh! Right. Heh." Tori blushes. "I was just talking to Andre here about how we should get the gang together tonight at my place for candy poker!"

"What? No we weren-oof!" Andre gets an elbow to the chest from Tori. "I, uh – ugh – I mean, yeah! Great idea, Tor. I'll let everyone know."

She probably knows deep down that I overheard, but what's the point of making things more awkward? It'd just be the same conversation… me apologizing for not loving her, her saying it's okay and she doesn't expect anything from me.

"That sounds fun." I grin.

"Alright! Soo, Cat, might as well bring you to my place now. I'll see you and Beck and Jade later?" She points at Andre.

"Yeah. Later, Tor." Andre waves to us.

We head to Tori's house, and she does the usual routine of grabbing me a glass a water. This time, Trina doesn't interrupt, but Tori approaches me on the couch and I'm hugging my book bag tightly to myself. My book bag which contains the over-due library book with that note at the back. I'm trying to figure out how to bring it up to Tori… I know she's not going to take it well.

"You okay?" Tori asks, placing the glass of water on the table. "You've been really quiet since we left the school."

"Yeah… I'm okay." I mutter, but I know I don't sound very convincing. She hesitates.

"Is it about what I was talking to Andre about? Because you know-"

"No, no! It's… it's not that." I sigh, biting my lip. "I'm just… thinking about my appointment with Dr. Faheem yesterday."

"Oh, yeah. You didn't talk much after that appointment, either." Tori recalls. "What'd you guys talk about?"

I shake my head. "Well, I was telling him about the stage light thing, and he seemed to get worried. Like… almost scared, in some ways."

"Scared?" She questions, and I pause. "You don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."

"No it's fine." I mumble. "It's just…" I take a moment, looking up at her. "Tori, is there a chance that… I didn't try to commit suicide?"

She blinks at me. "What do you mean?"

"I mean… maybe… it wasn't _my_ doing." I breathe. "What if someone else set it up so it, I don't know, looked like I committed suicide. But really-"

"Cat… I think I know where you're going with this. I don't think this is the same thing as the stage light. I don't think it was attempted murder." Tori states, looking rigid.

"But, how can you be sure?" I question. She squeezes her eyes tight, clenching her fists, and I know she's looking back on some bad memories.

"I found you, remember? I was there. And my dad's a cop. I would've noticed signs of struggle or… or any kind of evidence that would've caused your overdose beyond your own intention." Tori takes a breath. "And I was in such disbelief, I looked hard. Really hard."

"Are you sure you didn't miss something?" I search her cautiously.

"Cat…" Tori sighs, shaking her head. "I wasn't going to show you this, but…" She takes my hand and pulls me off the couch. I let her lead me silently, up to her room. When we get there, she opens a drawer and pulls out a book – some sort of journal. She opens it and takes out a sheet of paper, holding it close to her. "I didn't think you seeing this would do you any good, but… this is how I know."

She holds it out to me, and I take it from her slowly. I look down at it and see my writing – my neat writing, although it seems a little rough and shaken. Some of the letters are smudged, as if water had hit it – or tears…

"Tori, is this…?" I gasp, and her mouth presses into a thin line as she nods. I take a moment before looking back down at the note.

_I don't know how to start this. Nothing seems appropriate. I guess should just go with – I'm sorry. _

_To my parents – I loved you very much. I know we went through hard times there, but the effort you put across to mend our relationship meant the world to me. Know that it made my heart happy to be a family again, even when we're so far apart. Take care of my brother – I'm sure he'll be wondering where I went. Just tell him… I went to be the princess of ice cream, just like I told him I'd be when I was little. Maybe at the beginning of every month, give him a bowl of ice cream and say it's a gift from his little sister. I'm sure he'd like that. _

_To my friends – I don't know how you must be feeling. Just know there's nothing you could've done. This was my decision. You were all very bright lights in my life. I'm forever going to treasure the times we had at Nozu's, Karaoke Dokie, within the halls of the best school ever, and just wherever we happened to find ourselves. You guys made everywhere feel like home – even through the bad times. Jade, try not to be so mean to Tori, okay? Beck, make sure Jade isn't so mean to Tori. Andre, keep making beautiful music, because I want to hear it wherever I'm going. Robbie… I know you're not in our group anymore, but once upon a time I called you my best friend. I'm writing to that guy I used to know, the kind-hearted dork who would be there for his friends when they needed him. I hope that guys shows himself again. I miss him. _

_To Sam – I know I'm leaving you in a bit of a lurch here. I'm hoping you can find another roommate who can put up with your attitude. If not, we have plenty of funds saved from our babysitting. Go on! Take my half! It's not like I'm going to need it now. I'm sure it'll sustain you for a while wherever you want to go. And wherever you DO go, I know you'll be successful. There's a reason millions of iCarly fans loved you. They probably saw in you what I can see – a heart of gold. _

_To Tori – Oh my god… Tori. This is the hardest part to write. I know you're the one going to find this note. I know you're the one going to find the body. I can never stop being sorry for that. I know leaving you behind will be my greatest regret that I'll carry into the afterlife. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I love you, Tori. Oh my god, I love you so much. Please know that. Please don't blame yourself. Please find happiness again. Please move on. I can't explain to you what drove me to this – why I can't be with you anymore, like I promised I would be forever. Just know that I had to do this. And I will continue to be with you, even if I'm not here. I'll be in your heart, Tori. I'll be in your memories… and I hope you remember them, because they were great ones. Don't focus on this. Don't focus on the bad. I want you to smile for me every day, okay? If I was the reason the world never got to see Tori Vega's smile again… that wouldn't be fair. You're going to be an amazing pop star and you're going to affect so many lives. I'm excited for you. I wouldn't leave you like this if I didn't think you'd be alright without me. _

_To anyone else who has impact my life… thank you for being a part of it. Even if my time here is short, know that I am forever grateful for the way you affected me and shaped who I am. I'm sorry I won't be here anymore to return the favor. _

_I'm sorry._

_Cat Valentine_

My cheeks definitely aren't dry when I finish reading the paper. I can't even think about me writing this – I have to think about it being someone else, someone I didn't know who happened to know all the important people in my life. I can't even imagine Tori reading this… Oh my god.

I look up at her, and she's still as a statue.

"That's how I know." She whispers.

The next thing I know, my arms are tight around her and she's stroking my hair gently. I clutch her against me, eyes scrunched closed as my face is practically buried into her chest.

"Why would I do this?" I whimper.

"I don't know." Tori sighs. "I know you wanted to believe that you wouldn't have done that. I didn't want to believe it, either. But nobody could've written that but you."

I hate to admit it, but she's right. It's insane – the idea that someone tried to murder me and make it seem like a suicide is actually a more comforting thought than the thought of trying to kill myself.

"Oh god." Tori gasps, holding me tighter. I guess she felt me shaking. "Maybe I shouldn't have shown you."

"No, it's okay." I mutter, pulling away. I try to flatten out the paper than got a little crumpled in my grip. "It's… a piece of my past. At least I know the mindset I was in during that moment. That's important." I breathe.

"Yeah… I'm just… I'm glad you don't feel that way now." Tori murmurs, rubbing my shoulder. I nod in agreement.

"Mhm. And I'm sorry you had to read this…" I mutter. "And just… everything you must've gone through that day." I pause for a moment. "What you must still be going through."

"Sometimes… I when I'm at your place, I need to check your pillow, where I found the note. Or the bathroom, where I found you right after reading it." She bites her lip. "But I'm doing okay. I'm doing better. As long as you are."

"Tori… I'll never try to leave you like that again. I promise." I breathe. How could I? Not after seeing the affect it has on her.

"Okay." Tori whispers, putting her hands on my waist. She looks up into my eyes, and her look is soft and doting – it's that same look of love I've become accustomed to seeing whenever she looks at me. There's a look of gratefulness and compassion, but also worry and pain. It makes me want to curl up with her head in my lap as I assure her I'm not going anywhere.

Also, for a moment, I wish I remembered what it was like to kiss her.

Her look changes quickly into something containing curiosity and urgency, and she leans back a bit. "Cat, is there a reason that you thought someone tried to stage your suicide?" She asks quickly.

I fumble for a moment. "W-well I-"

I'm cut off by the sound of the doorbell going off downstairs. We both look toward Tori's doorway, and Tori looks back at me.

"Guys must be here for candy poker." She sighs, and her thumb drags across my cheek to wipe a stray tear away. "You okay?"

"Yeah." I nod. She gives me a conflicted look for a moment, and then takes the note from me to put it back in the drawer. I hope she doesn't look at that regularly… No one should torture themselves like that.

We head downstairs, opening the door for Andre, Beck and Jade. They all have large bags of candy, which already brightens my spirits a bit.

"Hey Cat, you okay?" Beck asks, looking at me. "You look like you've been crying."

"I'm fine. Just, Tori's house is dusty." I rub my eyes with my sleeve. I don't want to tell them about the note, because then they might want to read it… and they don't have to. They don't have to ever read that because I'm not going _anywhere_.

"Geez, Vega. Way to make Cat cry with your dirty house." Jade scoffs.

"I'll be sure to clean up a bit, starting with the trash. Jade, shall I escort you out?" Tori snaps.

"Very clever." Jade smirks. "You're officially on my chiz-list for candy poker. I hope you're not too attached to your sweets."

Jade saunters over to the table, and Tori gives me a smile. I smile back, following her to the table.

It's nice being with my friends like this, just laughing and hanging out. Almost makes me forget my little emotional moment with Tori upstairs. Plus, I'm really slaying the competition, here. I've made a nice little pile of candy.

"Geez, Cat. Don't have to worry about you forgetting candy poker." Andre notes.

"Although it did take her awhile to get the concept of not eating the candy while playing." Jade drawls.

"I can't help it. You put candy in front of me, I want to eat it." I pout.

"I think you can afford to eat some of it, Cat. You have enough." Tori chuckles. "You've practically cleaned me out."

"You've been letting her win." Jade mutters under the breath, and Tori glares at her.

"Actually I had to borrow some your candy to start with, so you get 50% of my winnings." I grin at Tori.

"Oh, sweet!" Tori laughs.

"Hey, that's not fair." Beck argues. "Jade, we're a couple, too. Why don't we get to share our winnings?"

There's silence over the table for a moment, and Beck smacks himself in the forehead.

"Way to go." Jade rolls her eyes.

"Chiz, sorry. It's… easy to forget you two aren't… you know." Beck sighs.

"Tell me about it." I try to joke, but it doesn't get much response. Andre leans forward a bit.

"Actually, we've been wondering. What are you two classified as, now?" He asks. Tori blinks at him.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, you two never really had a… break up, per se." Beck adds.

"Yeah. We don't really know how to refer to you two." Andre agrees.

"Andre." Tori hisses.

"C'mon, I'm curious, too. Are you just friends, are you girlfriends still, are you seeing other people, what?" Jade interrogates.

"It's… it's complicated." I mutter. Tori looks at me, and they all do. I can't exactly discount any of the suggestions Jade made. Not even the girlfriend part.

"We've never really… discussed it." Tori explains, and then gives Andre a pointed look. "Not the time or place."

"Alright, alright." Andre backs off.

"Cat, you still haven't remembered anything?" Beck asks, slightly changing the subject. I shake my head.

"Not yet." I state.

"Well, if you need help at all with anything, just ask. We're here for you." Beck nods.

"I know. Thank you." I smile. "Actually, my therapist recently said that he thinks it's time for me to attempt recalling my memories."

Tori raises her eyebrow at me. "Oh really, he said that? I didn't know that. That's great, Cat." She smiles.

"Yeah, but how are you going to do that? It seems kind of a complicated process." Jade comments.

I can't tell them that Tori's considered the 'link' when I haven't even had a chance to tell her privately, yet.

"I don't know, there's many techniques. Like… meditation and even hypnotism." I explain.

"What? He makes you cluck like a chicken and you'll have your memories back?" Andre asks.

"If that were the case, she would've had them back after Sikowitz's drive-by exercise the other day." Beck notes.

"True."

"No clucking." I chuckle. "Those are just some techniques. The most common one is association. You know… associating something with my past to unlock my memories."

"So like, when I smell buffalo nuggets and then I remember the taste of buffalo nuggets." Andre concludes.

"Exactly!" I exclaim.

"That's interesting…" Tori mumbles. "What could you associate with that would recall your memories?"

"Um… well…" I stumble.

"You two could kiss." Andre pipes up. We both gape at him.

"Andre!" Tori blushes.

"Oh, come on! Like nobody's thought of it." Andre huffs. "Isn't that what happens in the movies? Some sort of tragedy befalls a couple in love, and all they need to fix it is a kiss."

"This… this isn't some Disney movie!" Tori protests.

"I have to admit, he's got a point." Jade shrugs. "A kiss is a very emotional, intimate action. And you two used to kiss _a lot_. It might be enough to jumpstart her memories."

Huh. Dr. Faheem did say that the senses brought from being near Tori could be the key to the first step of unlocking my memories…

"Not you, too." Tori groans.

"C'mon, what's the worst that could happen?" Beck asks. Tori lets out a frustrated huff.

"It wouldn't be right to pressure her into-"

"Okay." I cut her off.

"Huh?" Tori stares at me, as does the rest of the group. I keep my eyes locked on Tori, my eyes darting from her lips to her eyes.

"I'll kiss you."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes: Whoops! How'd that cliffhanger get there? Aha. Aha. I'm just going to, you know... sneak out the back door here before any of you notice. Heh heh... heh. OKAY I KNOW I'M EVIL. I will be accepting forks in the face starting now. <strong>

**Fun Fact: This chapter was going to be a boring, filler chapter. Then I started writing it, and things happened. Many things.**


	10. The Most Right

**Disclaimer: Who has times for disclaimers about not owning Victorious when FINALLY THE CLIFFHANGER FROM LAST CHAPTER WILL BE RESOLVED!**

* * *

><p>"You'll… what?" Tori gapes at me.<p>

"Hell yeah!" Andre cheers.

"I'll kiss you." I repeat, feeling the weight of the words on my tongue. I look away, suddenly feeling shy. "I mean… yeah. If you want me to."

"Um…" Tori stares at me, and silence hangs in the air for a moment.

"Harsh." Jade quips, and Tori glares at her.

"Of course I'd want you to… but Cat…" Tori sighs, "This isn't just a simple kiss. I can recall kissing you like it was my job, but you…" She pauses, "I don't want you to feel like you have to do this."

"Tor, you're over-complicating it." Andre comments.

"Yeah. Remember when we kissed on your first day of class?" Beck adds.

"Unfortunately." Jade sulks, and Beck rolls his eyes.

"Well that didn't mean anything. This is just an experiment to see if it triggers any memories in Cat's brain." He explains.

"Yeah, but this isn't stage kissing. I'm not playing a character. I'm actually really in love with…" Tori trails off, and looks away. I furrow my brow.

"Tori, if this is too much for you, just say." I murmur.

"Don't worry about me. Like I said, I… I want to. But I also, you know…" Tori starts chewing on her lip.

"She wants you to want to." Jade finishes for her. Tori blushes a deep red.

"Oh, I get it." Andre nods slowly. "This isn't about it not meaning anything. You actually _want_ it to mean something."

"Okay guys, you can stop psycho-analyzing me anytime now." Tori mutters, her fingers clenching at the material of her jeans.

"I guess it _is_ a little more complicated." Beck rubs the back of his head. Tori quickly looks up at me with desperation.

"Cat, I don't want to put you in this position. I want you to regain your memories. I do. But I have to take care of myself as well, and if you're doing this just because I want to, or for the soul purpose of creating association, then… I'd rather we find another way." Tori sighs.

She's right. It definitely wouldn't be fair to her any other way. But I think back to her bedroom not too long ago, when I couldn't stop looking at her lips. I still think of her as a friend but… I think the lines are blurring.

"I would like to attempt to feel some sort of association," I start, shifting my chair closer to her, "But I don't think that's all… Tori, I keep hearing about how great we were together, and how crazy I was about you…" I stop to read her expression. She's looking at me intently. "And I've found that, more and more, I really want to experience that again." I bite my lip. "But it's confusing and… if this causes more complications, then it's not worth it."

"So… does that mean you want to kiss Tori, or not?" Andre asks. I take a deep breath.

"I'd like to." I state, and my stomach twists nervously. It's not exactly butterflies, but I _did_ just admit I want to kiss my best friend. Who is in love with me. I have a reason to be nervous.

"Cat… are you sure?" Tori breathes.

"If you are." I nod. She closes her eyes for a moment, looking like she's trying to give herself a pep talk, or something. Thanks to my ability to read her every face twitch, I can tell she's conflicted. "Tori, we have to be 100% on this." I murmur.

"Oh, just kiss already." Jade groans. Tori huffs and throws her hands up in the air.

"Fine!" She exclaims.

"Fine?" Beck asks.

"Yes, fine!" Tori reiterates with a flush. She looks at me, her eyes soft. "Fine."

"Kay, kay." I nod slowly. "Fine."

"More like fine-ally! Let's do it!" Andre cheers, and we shoot him a look. He recoils in embarrassment. "Uh, I mean… you do it. The kiss."

"Thanks for the encouragement." Tori raises her eyebrow, and turns back to me. "So how do you want to… do this?"

I look around for a moment before noticing the back door. "We could kiss by the back door." I suggest.

"Why there?" Beck questions.

"It's where Tori and I had our first kiss." I explain. "Right?"

"Yeah… right." Tori smiles.

"I don't know… maybe that'll help with the association." I mutter. "Plus, this will be like our first kiss again, at least for me. Might as well try to recreate it. Can't do much about the lack of snow, though…"

"I could go outside and throw baking soda at the window." Andre offers.

"That won't be necessary." Tori huffs, standing up. She offers me her hand, and I take it, letting her pull me up. She gives me a smile through pressed lips and I'm hit with another bout of nervousness as she leads me in front of the doors.

"Okay. So…" I start, biting my lip.

"Yeah, um…" Tori mumbles, and we hear a groan from Jade.

"Oh my god could you two _be_ anymore pathetic?" She scoffs. "Cat, I get you have amnesia but Vega, you have no excuse. You know how to do this."

"Do you guys have to be here?" Tori glares at our three friends sitting at the table not far from us.

"Sure do." Andre nods. "What if Cat regains _all_ her memories from this and has a breakdown from all those awful feelings from before? She'll need her friends here for support."

My eyes go wide and Tori whips her head toward Andre. "Don't freak her out!" Tori snaps, and she softens when she addresses me. "That won't happen."

"Still, just to be sure." Beck leans an elbow on the table. "Besides, it's not like we haven't seen you two kiss before."

"I don't care either way." Jade shrugs, unwrapping a candy from Tori's pile and popping it in her mouth. They all eye us with a mix of support, and like we're starring in a soap opera.

"Ugh… whatever." Tori huffs. "You ready, Cat?"

"Mhm." I nod. She nods as well, her bottom lip caught between her teeth for a moment before stepping forward, very close to me. I feel my face heat up, and I lean up toward her a bit. Here goes nothing.

She reaches out slowly and cups my face gently in her hands. She stops short, an inch from my face. Her eyes are soft and comforting as she searches my eyes for approval a final time. I give the slightest nod, and with a deep breath, she closes the distance.

Dr. Faheem was right about the senses, because they're all suddenly going haywire right now at the touch of her lips. I'm not sure what I expected. I've kissed people before – from memory – but nothing felt like this. At the same time, I'm not sure it's _supposed_ to feel like this. Once again, my body remembers what my brain can't, and the confliction going on right now is… overwhelming.

But her lips are soft, full of endearing affection. Her kisses on my forehead can't even compare to this. I feel precious, loved… special. Just through a kiss. It's incredible. And she smells nice, and she's warm… and familiar, at least to part of me. One part of me is screaming that she's my friend, that I shouldn't be doing this. But the other part is screaming to pull her closer.

My hands go on auto-pilot, grasping at her waist and allowing myself to push into her more, deepening the kiss slightly. She reacts, one of her hands sliding to my back while the other cradles the back of my head. It feels like… you know… it feels…

Okay, it feels **really** great. I think I can admit that. It feels so natural. So perfect. And that's the problem! I know I was in love with her, but I'm not now! It shouldn't feel like this. It shouldn't feel like I could… stay like this forever. It's scaring me. It's too much. I don't want this. But I do. But… I… ugh!

I pull away quickly with a gasp. I take a few steps back, staring at the ground while my head tries to clear from the sensory overload. I feel light headed. That was intense.

I look up slowly at Tori, and she's looking at me with concern and anxiousness. I furrow my brow. Nothing's any clearer to me, really. If anything, I just confirmed that my brain is really messed up. That… and Tori makes a lot of sense to me, on some level. I can accept that, I think. With time.

"So?" Andre's voice pulls me from my thoughts.

"Cat… you look a little pale." Beck eyes me cautiously. "Did you feel anything?"

I try to shake myself off, taking a deep breath to calm myself down. Their hypothesis was wrong – kissing her wasn't enough to unlock my memories. There was still a connection with some old emotions, but nothing I haven't felt around Tori before at a tamer level. The association wasn't enough to make me remember, though.

"No, nothing." I confirm, shaking my head. He frowns, and I hear Tori whimper.

"Okay." She trembles. I look at her quickly, and I'm shocked by her state. She looks winded, pained, crippled. She seems so much smaller. "Okay, that's fine. It's fine."

"Whoa, Tor. You okay?" Andre asks quickly. She seems to shake a bit and she stiffly turns to him.

"Of course. Why wouldn't I be okay?" Tori mutters monotonously. I watch her, confused… and a little frightened. I don't like seeing her this fragile. "It's clear to me that I'll, you know, never get my girlfriend back. Doesn't matter. Sure she means the world to me and I hate the thought of being without her, but what can you do?" She seems to chuckle a bit, her arms slapping to the side. I approach her slowly.

"Tori…" I breathe, worried out of my mind. She looks at me, and I see the tears running down her face.

"I know, Cat. It's fine. You don't love me anymore. I get it. I _get_ it. You didn't feel anything when we kissed. So that's that. And why would you? It's okay. I'm… I'll just, yeah. I'll deal." Tori rushes out, seeming cluttered. Oh, chiz. She interpreted my 'nothing' meaning I didn't feel anything for her.

"Tori, no that's-" I start.

"But I'm allowed a little selfishness, yeah?" Tori cuts me off. "I'm allowed to express how much this sucks? How much I'm hurting? Because I am. This is tearing me up. I hate it. It's not fucking fair." She shudders.

"Okay, Tori, just relax…" Beck stands up slowly, reaching out carefully.

"**Don't** tell me to relax!" Tori snaps. "How would you feel, Beck? What if Jade forgot she ever loved you, and now she'll probably never love you again?" She glowers. "You're in a relationship going perfectly. You're happy. Content. Secure. There's _nothing_ that can tear you apart. And then this shit happens."

"Tori, please-!" I cry, but she's on a rampage.

"There's nothing I can do. And I'm just supposed to accept that sitting down? **I'm** not allowed to feel sorry for myself? To… to **not** be okay with my heart being ripped out!?" Tori shouts. Beck, Andre, Jade and I look between each other, silently trying to figure out how to deal with this. Tori's having a meltdown in front of us… and it's my fault. "My feelings are fucking valid! Even if it's nobody's fault, **why can't I be sad**? Why can't I mourn?"

"You're allowed to be upset, Tor." Andre says calmly.

"Well _fantastic_!" Tori exclaims. "So my relationships officially over, I guess. If that answers your damn question from earlier. I guess I should start the heartbroken ritual. Go eat a whole tub of ice cream. Listen to sad songs. Come to the realization that my heart may never fully heal from this, that Cat will forever be scar tissue on my heart. Because we didn't get to play it all out, see where it would go. No, the opportunity was _ripped_ from us and I'll forever be asking myself, 'what if'?" She looks over at me, and I freeze. "No. I can't recover from that."

"Tori…" I start to feel the tears stream down my face.

"Don't… don't do that. Don't look at me like that." Tori glowers. "Don't make me want to hold you and tell you it's okay when it's **not**." She whimpers. "I can't do that anymore. I can't… and I want to… and… fucking shit… I don't think I can keep my promise anymore, Cat." Tori tangles her fingers in her hair. "Not when it hurt this much. I can't go back to just friends like this. Not now. It's become too much."

"Tori, you don't mean that." Andre sighs.

"Like hell I don't." Tori scoffs. "Do I look like I'm kidding? This is killing me. It's killing me. Cat… Cat gets the luxury of forgetting. I don't. It's like having an infected, dying limb and all I can do is cut it off at the source before it spreads to the rest of my body."

At this point, Jade rushes up and takes Tori by the shoulders, forcing her to look at her. "Vega, you're not thinking clearly right now. Look at me. No, look. You've bottled up too much for too long and now you're making snap decisions that you wouldn't make normally. This isn't you. You're scaring us. Find your chill."

"**Get off**." Tori yells, pushing Jade back. Jade hits the table and winces, but she stays calm rather than hitting back. Tori's eyes widen, and something seems to click in her mind. "Oh my god… I'm sorry… I just…" She looks between all of us, her eyes lingering on me. "I can't be here right now."

"Tori!" I call after her frantically as she rushes up the stairs. I go to follow her, but Andre grabs me.

"I don't think that's the best choice right now, Lil Red." Andre warns.

"But… but she's freaking out! She can't be alone right now." I cry, thinking of the image of a suicide note, the image of walking in on a body passed out on the bathroom floor…

"I'll go talk to her." Andre assures me.

"No, it has to be me." I shake him off.

"No offense, Cat. I know you mean well. But I don't think you calmly explaining _again_ that you don't love her is what she needs right now." Jade huffs, rubbing her back tenderly.

"You okay, babe?" Beck asks, touching her back gently.

"Yeah. She's lucky she's not exactly herself right now… or I'd strangle her." Jade glowers.

"I'll be back." Andre states, but this time I grab his arm.

"No!" I protest.

"But Jade was right." Andre argues. "You can't just-"

"It's _not_ like that." I assure them. "Just… trust me."

He stares at me for a moment, and nods. "Okay. Do your thing."

"Thanks." I mutter, leaving them to head upstairs.

Poor Tori… I really underestimated the effect all this was having on her… I knew she was hurting but… chiz, I let her fall over the edge. I have to fix this.

I knock on her door, but she doesn't answer. Again, I have some scary thoughts about how some people may react when they're not in a great state of mind… something that I did.

"Tori?" I ask through the door. No answer. I bite my lip. I don't want to invade her space without her permission, but… I'm too worried to stand here and do nothing. I push open the door slowly, bracing for her possibly shouting at me to get out. The shout doesn't come.

It's dark in her room when I close the door behind me, and I look around.

"Tori?" I ask again.

"Down here." Her voice finally answers. I follow it to the side of her bed, where she's slumped on the floor and leaning against it. "You followed me."

"Of course I did." I express. "I was worried. You really scared me there."

"I'm surprised you still even want to talk to me. I let my emotions get the better of me… I didn't handle them well at all." She pinches the bridge of her nose. "I'm so embarrassed."

"Don't you worry about that. You were right. Your feelings were valid. They still are." I kneel down next to her. "What do you need from me right now? What can I do for you?"

She's silent for a moment, and I'm worried she's going to send me away. Then, "Just sit with me for a bit."

"Kay, kay." I comply, sidling up next to her. We sit silently, and I focus on her breathing. It's steady, deep, rhythmic. Expelling all that negativity, trying to sort her thoughts. I know I can't do that for her, but I'm glad I can be here with her in any way.

For a while, I think she's fallen asleep. But eventually her voice breaks the heavy silence.

"You think Jade's going to kill me?" She asks.

"No, I don't think so. Even she understands sometimes people have rough days." I state. I hear her choke a bit.

"…Are you going to kill me?"

"Never. Why would I?" I gasp.

"Because I… I said I'd cut you off." She croaks. "That I'd break my promise. I actually said I'd abandon you, even in your time of need."

"It's okay. I know you didn't mean it." I mutter. "Even if you did… if that's what you felt was best for you, I'd accept it. You should take care of yourself. I want you around, but not if I'm making it toxic for you."

"You could never be toxic, Cat." Tori sighs. "But yeah, I really have to work on that… taking care of myself thing. I didn't really give myself much of a chance to… absorb and cope with the new status of our relationship." She lets out another long sigh, leaning her head back.

"I should've made you take more breaks from your Cat-sitting." I murmur, but she shakes her head.

"It wasn't that. I was happy to help you. But I was just supressing, and things kept piling up, and then…" She pauses, "And then I did something really stupid."

"What?" I question, and she looks over at me.

"I let myself hope." She lets out a small laugh. "I wasn't supposed to. I wanted to let you deal with your own stuff because that was more important than our relationship. And maybe that was part of the reason I supressed my own feelings… but I guess, just recently, it started to get to be too much. And I found comfort in… believing we might have a chance to rekindle our relationship." She bites her lip. "That's why I was so hesitant to kiss you."

"You could've told me." I assure her gently.

"I tried, but… I didn't word it well enough. Suppression, remember?" Tori huffs, seeming frustrated with herself. She closes her eyes, taking some more time to calm herself before continuing. "When you said you didn't feel anything, I cracked."

"I should've been more sensitive. I'm sorry." I mumble, pulling my knees up to my chest.

"No. Your feelings are just as valid as mine are. I can't punish you for not loving me." Tori whispers. "I just thought that maybe, when we kissed, there would be something. I wanted to believe that our love, the love we had, was strong enough to break through the amnesia. That you'd feel it even without your memories." She continues, her voice shaking a bit. "I was wrong, and my heart couldn't take it. It still can't, really… but I'm thinking clearer, now."

"But Tori, you weren't wrong." I start slowly and carefully. I need to be cautious. She's coming down from a nervous breakdown – she must be feeling pretty sensitive. I can't afford to say the wrong thing.

"What? What do you mean?" Tori questions. I twiddle my fingers, trying my best to keep my usually-random thoughts in order for this.

"I should've told you this before, but I was confused about it myself and… I didn't want to give you false hope since, like you said… that doesn't work out well." I mutter. "But sometimes when we're together – when we talk, when we hug… even when you look at me, I'll feel something. Usually physical like my heart beat goes really fast, or my stomach twists, or I get all blushy…" I furrow my brow. "The best I can describe it as is muscle memory. My body is reacting to something even if my mind doesn't know it."

She stares at me a long moment. "And… what does that mean to you?" She asks.

"I think if means my feelings for you aren't gone. My _love_ for you isn't gone. I just can't really… recognize it, because of the whole memory loss thing." I shift myself to face her, and she watches me with wide eyes. "But it's there, and that became so clear to me when we kissed. Tori, when I said I felt nothing after the kiss, I just meant it didn't trigger some sort of flashback montage or something. It didn't unlock my memories." I pause a moment, preparing to say the next part out-loud for the first time. "But it felt right. It felt like I should've been kissing you this whole time."

"Cat… really?" Tori gapes.

"Yes." I nod. "But it's confusing. It's overwhelming. I don't understand it and it's scary to me because I kiss you and it's like I just see this black space where my love for you is supposed to be."

"Well… I don't want to cause you anymore grief. I mean, it's utterly amazing to hear that there's _something_, but-"

"Tori," I stop her. "I didn't tell you this to give you more false hope. I wouldn't do that to you, especially after tonight." I express, shifting closer to her. "Tori, it's there. It makes sense. I mean, why wouldn't I fall in love with you? You're…" I ponder for a moment, "You're probably the most beautiful person I know. Inside and out."

"Cat…" Tori starts to well up.

"And I know that. See? I know that. And yet, my memory loss is blocking me from really feeling that." I twist my mouth to the side, puzzled. "I guess that's the problem. On some level, I'm in love with you. Probably deeply, but I don't have the memories to back it up."

"Okay." Tori nods slowly. "What do you want me to do?"

"Go on a date with me." I request, and her eyes widen.

"Won't that just cause more confusion?" She asks with worry. "I don't want to overwhelm you, or scare you."

"I can't figure this out on my own." I mutter. "I need you, Tori. I need to explore this. And thankfully… I trust you with my life."

She seems to double over a second, and I'm worried I said the wrong thing when I see more tears stream down her face.

"And… and you're not just saying this to humour me, right? Not just because you pity me or… or something?" Tori chokes. "Please don't lead me on."

"Tor, I wouldn't do that. You know me." I whisper, taking her hand. "Let's figure this out together, alright?"

"And you're sure?" Tori breathes. I tilt my head to the side, and then I lean over to press my lips to hers again. And it's so… nice. I mean, there's still some confliction there, but it's nice.

I pull back with a smirk on my face. "Completely sure." I coo. She stares at me in shock for a moment, and then she pulls me back in for another kiss.

And she's crying. And I might be crying, too, but it's hard to tell because I'm so wrapped up in Tori. My best friend who is way more than just that, somewhere in my heart. I know she can help me find it.

I hold her for a while as she cries, soaking the shoulder of my shirt. But I don't really mind. She'd do the same for me. And I stroke her hair, and murmur comforting things to her like "we're going to be just fine" and "you're like a good book I get to read all over again for the first time".

I think that last one made her cry even harder, but I think it was a good cry. I'm glad she's letting herself face her feelings.

When she feels comfortable enough, we decide to head back downstairs to assure our friends everything was square again. Tori still felt embarrassed, though.

"I'm sorry I said so many… bad words. I know you don't like them." Tori sighs as we reach the stairs. "Apparently nervous breakdowns erase your filter."

I squeeze her hand, firmly clasped in mine. "You can make it up to me." I smile, and she blushes. We reach her living room, only to find it empty.

"Where is everyone?" Tori looks around, her brow furrowed.

"Look, there's a note." I observe, reaching the piece of paper on the table. For a moment, I get a shiver of worry thinking it might be another threatening note, but I'm relieved to see Andre's hand writing. I pick it up and read it.

"_Hey, I hope you're feeling okay, Tor. We're really worried about you – even Jade, but she won't admit it. She just punched me in the arm for writing that. That's going to leave a bruise. Anyway, I'm sure you'll be a lot better with Cat by your side. We… may have all been listening at the door. Sorry! It was Jade's idea! …Okay, THAT'S going to bruise too! Either way, we're happy for you two… I knew you'd work through this, somehow. We figured we should give you two some space and alone time for a bit, so we've left. Text me if you need anything though, okay? _

_- Andre_

_PS. Jade took all your candy winnings, including Cat's._"

I look up from the note with shock. "Jade took my candy!" I protest with a pout.

"Figures they would be eaves dropping." Tori chuckles. "We have some pretty great friends, huh?"

"Yeah." I smile. "Even if some of them steal my candy."

She gives me a soft look. "So we should probably take it slow, huh?" She asks, with a yawn.

"Yes, please." I agree.

"I'm okay with that." Tori states, yawning again.

"Tired?"

"Exhausted."

"I bet… that took a lot out of you." I bite my lip.

"Yeah, apparently feeling a lot at once is quite a work out." She stretches. I take her hand again.

"C'mon." I pull her over to the couch. "You need some rest. Sleep this off."

"That sounds wonderful." Tori agrees, practically collapsing on the couch. I crawl up behind her. "You feeling okay?"

"Yeah. You know I've always loved cuddling." I smirk, burying my face into the back of her neck.

"Mm… Yeah I do." Tori murmurs, and she falls asleep soon after. Thank god. I never want to see her so broken ever again. And now hopefully I never will… This feels right. This decision feels right. And I'm so content with that, I start to dose off as well.

Before I can fully lose consciousness, I sense a presence over us. I open my eyes to see Mr. Vega leering over us. I nearly yelp. He must've come home and I didn't hear him. His face is stern, and he gestures to me to follow him. I carefully crawl out from behind Tori, and she stirs a bit with some sleepy sounds, but she's way too tired to fully wake up. I follow Mr. Vega to the kitchen, where he lowers his voice.

"Remember what I told you on New Year's?" He questions.

"Yes, sir." I nod.

"I trusted you not to take advantage of my daughter's affections." He glowers, and I glower back.

"I would never do that." I state. "I want to be here for Tori in every way she deserves."

"And you're certain you have the capacity to give her that right now?" He interrogates. "If you get in too deep, and you fail, you might never be able to fix the damage you cause."

I glance over to Tori's sleeping form, so vulnerable and innocent. I feel the same sensation of my heart pounding, and a whisper of longing. I turn back to her father.

"I care about her too much to risk that ever happening." I assure him. "I know I have the capacity. One-hundred percent."

"For her sake, I hope you're right."

"Honestly, sir… this is the most 'right' I've felt since I woke up in the hospital."

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes: Anyone hear that? Is someone playing the Hallelujah chorus somewhere in the background or did CORI FINALLY HAPPEN! (Maybe both). They kissed, Tori had a breakdown, they kissed again... ahh, angsty fluff. You are why I write. <strong>

**But they have some things to work through now, don't they? They might be together, but it's... slightly unrequited? How will Tori remind Cat just how much they love each other? And, you know. There's still the whole amnesia issue and why that even happened and what's with her suicide attempt and is that still a threat and blargh it's so convoluted that it deserves a run-on sentence. Clearly we still have a ways to go. Now, my pizza is here so I'm going to post this and then go stuff my face. Leave a review if you want!**

**Fun Fact: "You're like a good book that I get to read all over again for the first time" is probably one of my favourite lines I've written. Cat can be such a romantic. **


	11. Preconceived Notions

**Author's Note: Sorry for the impromptu break. Life happens. Also holiday season is a busy time. Might have to take another week off after this? Who knows. Just know I won't give up on this story no matter what. You guys know me well enough by now that I wouldn't leave you hanging forever, right? **

**Disclaimer: Iway on'tday ownway Ictoriousvay **

* * *

><p>I think I'm dreaming about rain.<p>

I'm outside, lying on my back while tiny rain drops hit my face. But they're not wet, or cold. They're just soft and kind of comforting. I like this place. Not a care in the word. Just me and the rain.

It must be rain from the sea, too. Because it's kind of salty. It's a familiar salty. I open my mouth wide, and a raindrop catches in my mouth. I bite down – and it's solid, and flavourful. It's not rain at all. It reminds me of late nights with friends, and movies… and stomach aches if I eat too much. My eyes pop open.

"Wh-What the-" I gasp, sitting up in my bed. I look down and see popcorn all around me. Am I still dreaming?

"About time you woke up. Sleepy head." Sam scoffs. I look to the side to see her sitting on her bed with a bag of microwave popcorn, chewing on a popped kernel with a smirk.

"Were you chucking popcorn at me?" I pout.

"You've been sleeping forever. Had to make sure you didn't pop another bottle of pills." Sam shrugs.

"And you couldn't just say my name or something?" I gape.

"This was more fun. It was awesome when I got one in your mouth at the end, there. Wish I had filmed that." Sam chuckles. I huff and slide my legs over the side of the bed, ruffling my bed head.

"What time is it?"

"2pm." She grins, and my eyes go wide.

"Wow… guess yesterday took more out of me than I thought." I sigh, thinking back on it. Tori's probably still asleep, too. She actually had a nervous breakdown. That takes some time to recover from. I know I'm always really tired after I pass out from being scared, and that's sort of the same.

Sam's look softens slightly. "Yeah, you looked drained when you came home." She notes, standing up and offering the popcorn bag to me. I take a handful, nibbling at them slowly. Not the greatest breakfast, but I'm hungry. "Want to talk about it, or something?"

"Uh…" I hesitate, wracking my brain. "I'm sort of… dating Tori again?"

"Oh great." Sam rolls her eyes, and I glare.

"Sam."

"I mean… oh, great!" She expresses with mock enthusiasm. I shake my head and she sits next to me. "So… how'd that happen?"

"Um… well there were hugs and my body being like 'oh, this is nice' but it didn't make sense and then there was more and then we kissed and my body was like 'oh this is _really_ nice' but now I'm just more confused and-"

Sam raises her hand. "I get it. It's confusing."

"Yeah." I nod.

"So remind me why jumping back into a relationship will make you less confused?" Sam questions.

"Not… jumping back in… we just agreed to go on a date." I fiddle with my bed covers. "I can't figure this out if I don't try. I know my feelings are there so, what better way to get them to show themselves?"

"Or you might drive yourself insane. You have conflicting memories and feelings. That's probably not good." Sam states.

"Maybe, but…" I mutter. "She makes me happy."

"Happy in a… confusing, don't know why kind of way?" Sam raises her eyebrow.

"See! You _do_ get it!" I exclaim. Sam shakes her head and claps me on the shoulder.

"Well whatever makes you happy, dingus." She sighs, taking the rest of the popcorn out of my hands. "Try not to be a heart breaker."

"Uh… okay…" I agree, watching Sam walk out of the room with my handful of popcorn. I'm still hungry…

And I should probably check on Tori, after yesterday. I pull out my phone and dial in her number. It takes a few rings before she picks up.

"**Unngh… hello?**" A very croaky Tori voice answers over the phone.

"Hi Tori! Um… you okay?"

There's silence over the phone for a moment, and then…

"…**Oh, man. It's passed 2pm. The last thing I remember is falling asleep on the couch…**" Tori mumbles.

"Yeah. Your dad took me home." I explain. I knew she'd still be sleeping.

"**Good… good… I guess he took me up to bed, too.**" She sighs, her voice a bit raspy.

"How are you feeling?" I ask, concerned.

"**Just tired… I feel a lot better today, though**." She assures me. I let out a breath.

"That's great. I think you just needed a rest." I smile.

"**Yeah, and maybe a second chance from you**." Tori murmurs. "**I don't think I told you how much that means to me, by the way. I know it's just a trial run, I guess, but-**"

"Tori, don't mention it." I chuckle. "It was probably always going to go this way, eventually."

"**I can't believe I ever doubted you**." She breathes, and I can hear the smile in her voice.

"Honestly, I wasn't too sure for a while there myself." I admit. There's a pause for a moment.

"**You're still sure you want to try this out, right? No second guesses…?**"

"I'm 100% on board, Tor." I nod. "Just be patient with me. I mean… it can't go back to how it was completely. At least, not right away."

"**Yeah, that'd be hard without the whole memories thing. I understand**." Tori comments, still sounding half asleep.

"Mhm. But I'm excited to make new memories with you." I mumble.

"**Heh…**" Tori chuckles, then she pauses, clearing her throat and sounding more awake. "**Oh. Oh right! The date. We didn't really talk about it last night. Uhh, when? Where? Please not a dog show.**"

"I wouldn't put you through that again." I giggle. "We'll figure it out. For now, do you mind if I… come over? We can study for that test on Monday."

"**If you want to, yeah**." Tori agrees.

"Do _you_ want me to come over?"

"**Of course. I just don't want to confuse you more. You said you felt scared when we kissed. Never got that response from someone before…**" She mumbles.

"That's… not because of your kissing abilities. Trust me. I'll be fine. Probably. I'll let you know if my conflicting emotions are getting too… conflicty." I promise. "Besides… I miss you."

It's true, we've spent almost every waking moment together since I woke up in the hospital, and I feel safest around her. But it's more than that. I don't want to leave her alone when she went through such a distressing episode yesterday. She watched over me when I had mine – I can at least return the favour.

"**I miss you too.**" Tori sighs. "**Okay just um… let me look more presentable. I think there's still drool on my face**." She grimaces. "**I uh… maybe that was TMI. Still want to date me?**"

"_Yes_." I giggle.

"**Thank god. I promise I'll be more alluring to make it up to you. I'll pick you up in a bit?**"

"Kay, kay. See you then." I smile, and she chuckles a bye before hanging up.

I smile at my phone for a bit after the call has ended. She's definitely cute. I'm probably really lucky, in some ways. I basically woke up to magically having a beautiful, caring girlfriend. I feel like that would be a dream for most people. It'll still take some getting used to, but I mean, it could absolutely be worse. I could've woken up to find out I was actually dating Robbie.

_Oh god_.

Okay, I know. Mean. But it's _Robbie_ and after hearing about how he reacted and treated me… Yep, extremely thankful for Tori.

I get ready quickly and hope Tori will offer me food when I get to her place, because I'm still starving and those few pieces of popcorn weren't enough to satisfy me. Eventually, I hear the doorbell, mutter a ding-dong under my breath, and I go to get my school books. I pause when I see the green binder.

I had stuffed the notes I found back into the back pocket for safe keeping. If I bring this, I could potentially open up a conversation about the creepy notes. But she's pretty sensitive right now and bringing up more distressing information might not be… great. However, Dr. Faheem said it was important someone in my life should know, considering someone _might_ still have it out for me. Waiting much longer could be dangerous…

"Cat, door for you!" Sam calls from the living room. I bite my lip and take the binder. Just in case.

"Do you want me to have her home by 11, too?" Tori huffs to Sam as I walk into the living room.

"That depends. AM or PM?" Sam goads, causing Tori to flush.

"Do you really think my intentions are that impure?" She scoffs.

"Just reminding you that just because she's agreed to date you, that doesn't mean you can have your way with her." Sam lectures.

"_I know that!_" Tori snaps.

"Sam!" I scold, and Sam flinches.

"What? You know these teenage girls and their hormones." She shrugs.

"Ugh." Tori scoffs, and I roll my eyes pushing by Sam.

"Tori… you look good." I smile.

"Thanks. I um… I feel good. I feel better." Tori smiles back, and I shift my feet a little, staring at her. Sam looks between us.

"Holy chiz this is awkward. At least hug or something." Sam groans. We both glare at her.

"Goodbye, Sam." I sigh, taking Tori's hand and dragging her out the door.

"Remember, back by 11! PM!" Sam points at Tori.

"Yeah, yeah." Tori mutters.

"Ignore Sam. She's just being concerned in her own Sam way." I explain.

"I don't know how you deal with her." Tori sighs.

"She has her moments. Like Jade." I state. "Plus, you have to appreciate that brutal honesty."

"Uh huh." Tori sighs. I give her a cautious look as we approach her car.

"Um, I'm sorry if I am making this awkward, though." I mutter. "I just don't really know how to act. Would we have hugged at the door? Kissed? I don't know. You're the one used to this."

"It's not awkward. I'm just letting you take the reins until you… catch up to where you were before, I guess." Tori explains. "You were right on the phone. It can't be how it was before. So just go at your own pace. I'm just happy to be with you."

"Well for the record, I wanted to hug you at the door." I admit. I mean, that's not something I wouldn't normally have done, but you know. Now I'm hugging my girlfriend… lover… significant other… person.

"Just go with your instincts then." Tori suggests. "If you try to fight it, it probably won't help you figure out your forgotten feelings any faster. And I'm not just saying that because I want a hug."

"You want a hug?" I grin, and she leans against the car.

"Always." Tori sighs. I quickly jump on her with my arms around her neck and she chuckles, slinking her arms around me. As usual I sink into her so easily. She smells nice. "How's that feel?"

"It feels right." I mumble against her shoulder. "How about for you?"

"Prefect." Tori breathes, burying her face into my hair. I get the feeling she doesn't want to let go. I give her a tight squeeze and slowly pull away, giving her a smile. I wish I was at the same point as her – feeling comfortable with hugging against a car forever. But she doesn't seem too disappointed.

"Kay, kay. Let's go study." I exclaim, and Tori laughs, opening the car door for me. While she goes over to the driver's side, I notice I can't stop smiling. I thought it might be weird, hugging Tori as my girlfriend… lover… significant other… person. Especially after thinking of her as merely a best friend for so long. But instead I just feel… giddy.

"What're you thinking about?" Tori asks as she turns on the car. I feel myself blush.

"Oh, you know. I just think I might be crushing on my best friend." I sigh.

"I didn't know you were into Jade." Tori jokes.

"Tori!"

"You should probably tell Beck."

"Very funny." I cross my arms and pout. She lets out a full laugh, and she sounds so alive. I can tell she's still drained, but really… this is the happiest I've seen her in a month, I think.

"For the record, I think she likes you, too." Tori states.

"Jade does?" I question.

"No! Silly." Tori chuckles. "The other best friend you think you might be crushing on."

"Oh. Right." I smile, fiddling with my hands. I admit it's still weird to hear that… to think that Tori loves me. But I'm not complaining.

I'm sifting through my thoughts and when we're almost at Tori's, I get a horrifying notion.

"Oh _god_!" I gasp, and Tori swerves in shock.

"What?! What happened?" Tori rushes out.

"Nothing! I just… earlier I was thinking how lucky I am to have woken up dating someone like you instead of someone else." I explain, and Tori blushes. "Then I just had the worst thought. What if I had woke up dating _Sinjin_?"

Tori lets out another full-of-life laugh.

* * *

><p>"It's fine. I don't need an education anyway." I huff, tossing my textbook down in front of me.<p>

"Cat, you'll get it. You're smart." Tori assures me. What? Me? Smart?

"I'm not smart." I state. I've been called dumb and ditzy enough in my life to know that. Plus on essays I'm always told I 'miss the point of the assignment'.

"I beg to differ. You have a beautiful mind." Tori argues. I look away, feeling my face heat up.

"Then you're the only one who thinks that." I mutter. I didn't mean to get so dark during our study session, but… my IQ is kind of a sensitive subject.

"No, I'm not. Cat…" Tori sighs, pausing for a minute. She leaves her desk to sit cross legged from me on the bed. "That's right. You don't remember."

"Ugh. What'd I forget this time?" I huff. Tori tilts her head.

"One time we got in a really bad argument. It was probably the worst we've ever had. It started out like this." Tori recalls. I look up at her, blinking.

"What do you mean?"

"You were so convinced you weren't smart, even though you have these really deep and wonderful thoughts." She sighs. "And I tried to tell you that wasn't true, and you got really angry. You wouldn't talk to me for a few days."

"Really?" My eyes go wide.

"Yeah. You thought I was just lying to make you feel better. You wouldn't believe that you're intelligent." Tori says sadly. "But just so you know, I end up winning this argument."

"That's not fair. It's like you have a cheat sheet or something." I pout, and she chuckles.

"Hmm, well we _have_ lived through this before, you know." She states.

"Okay, so how'd you win the argument?" I challenge, and she smiles softly.

"Well there weren't some magic words to convince you. If there were, I would've already said them." Tori muses. "It just took time, working closely with you and pointing out the intelligence in you whenever I saw it. Which was often. And then slowly getting you to recognize it, too." She sighs. "Plus, pointing out that our education system, even at Hollywood Arts, isn't completely suited for someone like you. Which isn't your fault. It's not suited for a lot of people. Everyone needs to adjust in some way."

"I guess." I mumble. It's a nice thought, but… it's hard to believe.

"Just… Cat… do you trust me?" Tori touches my knee gently. "Trust me on this. You're smart."

"I… I don't know." I mumble. She presses her lips together.

"Then I'm willing to go through all that again. Over and over. I won't let you sell yourself short." She declares, shifting to sit next to me and points at my notes. "Okay. Molecular genetics. Let's see… alright, how many types of amino acids are there?"

I wrack my brain for a minute, trying to come up with a number related to the unit. "Um… 46?"

"Nope. It's 20."

"Ugh! See!" I huff.

"But wait, why'd you say 46?" She questions. I blink for a moment. "Was it a random number?"

"No. I just thought 46 was the answer." I mumble.

"46 is the number of chromosomes we have." She states. "I bet if you had a multiple choice asking about how many chromosomes we have, you would've saw the 46 and known right away. Cat, you do know this stuff. It's not about intelligence, it's about organizing the information. It may take some extra studying but, hey. I'm here to help in any way I can."

"Oh…" I gape. Maybe I do know more about this stuff than I thought.

"And don't forget, just because you can't recall how many nucleotides are in a DNA codon, that doesn't mean you're stupid or slow." Tori states. "You're brilliant at so many things, Cat. Nobody is brilliant at everything, but you _do_ have the capacity to do well at anything. Just don't underestimate yourself." She murmurs. "Now, speaking of amino acids, let's look at the tRNA anticodon…"

"Tor," I stop her, and she looks up at me.

"Yeah?"

I bite my lip. I can't believe I missed out on that… on her putting so much effort forward to help me overcome my insecurities. It still seems unbelievable, but… I trust Tori. I trust that it happened. She helped me see a better version of myself, and isn't that what love is supposed to do? And she's willing to put that effort in for me again and she's just… she's pretty much amazing, and I don't know how to express that to her without crying right now, so I just lean forward.

She sighs against my lips when I press them to hers. I linger them there for a bit before pulling away and blushing.

"Um… yeah." I mumble. Still feels a bit weird, but it's what I wanted to do in the moment, and I wasn't going to fight that feeling. I'm glad I didn't.

"Uh…" Tori blinks rapidly. "What… were we talking about again?" She inquires, a dreamy look on her face. I can't help but giggle.

"tRNA anticodons." I remind her.

"Right. That. Um… chiz, now I need a refresher." Tori combs her fingers through her hair. "Do you have any notes on it?"

"Yeah. Green binder." I blurt out before I can stop myself. Tori goes to grab it but I snatch it away from her. "Uhh, I'll find it!"

"Whoa, okay." Tori stares at me, her giddiness gone. "Got something to hide?"

"What? No." I scoff. She narrows her eyes slightly.

"You know, I can tell when you're lying." She comments. Chiz. I guess I'm not the only one who can pick up on small movements to tell how she's feeling.

"I, uh…" I stumble. Ugh I wish I hadn't reacted like that. Then she wouldn't be questioning anything. But she puts on a playful smile.

"If you wrote 'Mrs. Cat Vega' all over your notes, it's nothing to be ashamed of." She assures me.

"Ha, ha." I roll my eyes, pushing the green binder into her arms. "Here. If you wanna look through it so badly."

She chuckles, flipping through it to find the information about tRNA. I bite my lip again. I feel bad about lying to her, especially with how sweet she just was. And since she felt so guilty before about keeping things from me to protect me, when she could've just told me. Ugh, I know I shouldn't stir up her emotions too much today but… we're in this together, right? Maybe she should know…

Or, maybe she already knows. Maybe I've been blowing this whole thing out of proportion this whole time and she's completely aware of the creepy note project Sikowitz had us do last semester. Or she might confirm that they're really death threats…

She does seem to be a lot better today, so… It might be worth just to find out.

"Um, Tori, last year at any point, before I lost my memories… did I ever talk to you about post-it notes?" I ask. She thinks for a moment.

"Actually sometimes you'd leave me cute messages in random places. Why? Do you remember something about that?" Tori inquires. I shake my head.

"No. I mean… something about me getting notes." I say slowly.

"Cat, what are you talking about?" Tori questions. Great… guess I have to show her…

"Okay, don't freak out. Please?" I sigh.

"Uh… okay." Tori nods. I take the binder back from her, and she watches as I pull the notes out of the back pocket. She raises her eyebrow when I hand them to her, and then her eyes widen when she reads them. "Where did you get these?!"

"I found them! At some point… and then I found them again recently. But these, um… I got these before the suicide attempt. I figured that much out." I explain.

"Oh my god." Tori breathes, her eyes bugging out.

"Tori, Tor I told you not to freak out." I plead.

"I'm not! I'm… I'm just thinking." Tori scrunches her brow. "Why didn't you tell me about these?"

"Because at first I didn't think they were a big deal." I mutter.

"Of course they're a big deal!" Tori exclaims. "Cat, if you were getting these, someone may have been _harassing _you. And that harassment may have been what led to… to…" She trails off. "Oh god. Is this why you asked me if there was a chance someone tried to make it look like a suicide?"

"Yes." I nod. She cups her hands over her mouth, eyebrow scrunching even more. I rub into her shoulder a bit. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you."

"It's okay. I'm glad you told me. I'm just… trying to figure out why you wouldn't have told me before." She sighs, and I feel guilty.

"I told you, I didn't think it was a big deal, or anything seriously threatening-"

"No, not you now. I mean, you before you lost your memories. Why wouldn't you have told me when you were first getting these notes?" Tori ponders.

"I… don't know. I have no idea what I was thinking then." I mumble. "I'm guessing it was the same kind of thing, though. Maybe I didn't take it seriously at first."

"Maybe…" Tori trails off, but she shakes her head. "No. There has to be more to it. There had to have been more notes. You had to have had some idea of what was going on."

"How do you know?" I question.

"Because," Tori pulls me up to her desk in front of her laptop, pulling a box out of her drawer. It's the same box I gave her for Christmas. She plugs in the USB. "I've been watching this very frequently since you gave it to me. Not just because it's really sweet and you have the voice of an angel, although that's the large part of it." She rushes out, skipping ahead a bit in the video. "Watch this."

She presses play, and video-me springs back to life.

"So I decided to record a medley of my favourite love songs for you. That way, if I'm not around for… whatever reason-"

She pauses it. "There. See?" Tori points. I look at my face in that moment. It's really there in only a flash. I didn't even catch it when I watched it. I look pained and full of regret, like I'm resigned to some sort of horrible fate. I look like I'm about to cry.

"Are you saying when I made this… I knew I might not be around much longer?" I gape.

"That's _exactly_ what I'm saying. You recorded this a couple days before Christmas, right? There's a chance you could've already been planning your attempt when you recorded this. In fact, the whole video is pretty bittersweet. The way you're talking, and even the way you sing… it's almost like you were saying goodbye."

"Oh my god." I stare at my face again, and I can see what she's talking about.

"I thought before maybe I was reading too much into things because of what happened. But now that you showed me those notes… It's coming together a bit." Tori concludes.

"But it seems like in the video I still planned to give you this on Christmas. But my attempt was on Christmas Eve." I point out.

"I don't know. A lot of it still isn't clear. Maybe you got another note and your plans changed. You couldn't take it. Either way… I'm starting to think what happened to you definitely wasn't spur of the moment. Not if you were being harassed like this suggests." She bites her lip. "Cat, this is serious. If you were getting harassed before, to the point of suicide, the harasser is probably still out there. And they might be serious. I mean, the stage light… oh god."

In a flash she yanks me into her arms, holding me tight as she kisses the top of my head.

"And I thought I didn't want to let you out of my sight before. Damnit." Tori whimpers.

I want to tell her not to worry, but I can't. Now I'm even more worried than I was before. I clutch at Tori's shirt and try to pull her closer to me, because she feels safe, but I can't help the tears that start falling.

"I wish this would all go away." I sob. "I don't want to fear for my life, Tori."

"Hey, no." Tori pushes me back gently by my shoulders and wipes my cheeks. "Now that I know, I won't let anything happen to you. Okay? I promise." She pulls me back into a hug. "I'm going to tell my dad, show him the notes. He can probably open a case about it and he'll find this person before they can do any harm. In the meantime you should lay low. And tell me if you find any more notes."

"Kay, kay." I sniff, nodding against her.

"Don't worry, baby. I'm not going to lose you again. I swear to god. I won't lose you again." Tori assures me in a determined yet soft voice. I pull back and wipe my own eyes.

"I won't let you lose me again, either."

And I kiss her, because screw my inner battle between platonic and romantic. I just needed to kiss her.

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes: Continuing the angst fluff from the pervious chapter. Maybe next chapter there will just be fluff fluff. Anyway, the pieces of the puzzle are starting to come together...ish. There's still some questions. Maybe they're not even on the right track? Maybe I'm trolling you? Possibly.<strong>

**So as usual reviews are greatly appreciated. I love hearing your thoughts. But I thought I should tell you I created a tumblr. It's uhh... not really a tumblr of any specific kind, just my interests, which is mainly Carmilla at the moment (and you don't know what that is - if you like my stories, you should look Carmilla up and WATCH IT). But there's an ask box and stuff if you want to know more about me and my writing and what it's like to be Canadian. The URL is queserasarabi. I'll put my link in my profile on here. **

**Fun Fact: I deeply relate to the complaint that the education system isn't set up for people like Cat. You know. The daydreamers. **


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